The holidays are coming up. Although we’re still in the midst of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, we’re all trying to find ways to safely come together to observe family traditions, whether that’s virtually or in-person. On top of that, if you’re an intended parent in the middle of a gestational surrogacy journey you’re about to be on the receiving end of a slew of questions and comments from well-meaning (but sometimes insensitive) loved ones.
So, to help you handle the holiday season (and the resulting inquiries) as an intended parent, here are 10 things you might hear and some ways in which you can respond:
1. “How much are you paying your surrogate?”
You wouldn’t casually ask each other how much someone makes in a year, or what their home cost. So why would it be appropriate to ask about financials now?
It can also be frustrating that so many people focus on the compensation aspect of surrogacy, when it’s such a small part of your experience. Gestational surrogates do this because they want to help a family, not because they’re making it rich (which they’re not).
Keep it simple with:
- “That’s confidential, as per our surrogacy contract.”
- “Surrogates aren’t in it for the money.”
- “That’s not your business.”
2. “Why didn’t you just adopt?”
This person clearly doesn’t know much about the intricacies of the adoption process. Plus, this kind of question is often asked because the person believes that adoption is “saving” a child, which is a problematic attitude.
Stand your ground:
- “Adoption is a lot more complex than you might realize.”
- “Why don’t you adopt? Everyone has their reasons.”
- “That’s not your business.”
3. “How do you know the baby is yours?”
They don’t know the steps that are taken to avoid this situation. If you’re feeling especially patient, you can elaborate.
Or, close the case by saying:
- “There are rules that gestational surrogates have to follow, which ensures that the baby she carries is not biologically related to her.”
- “Our surrogate is working closely with our doctor. The baby is ours.”
- “That’s not your business.”
4. “It must be nice not to have to be the one who’s pregnant and giving birth!”
…Ouch.
Here are some gentle-but-firm answers:
- “I would give anything to be able to carry and deliver this baby.”
- “Pregnancy and childbirth is tough, but not being able to have a child is harder.”
- “That’s not your business.”
5. “What if the surrogate decides to keep the baby?”
Nope. Defend your surrogate with all you’re worth, and just tell them it’s not even possible.
- “That’s not legally an option.”
- “Even if she technically could, she wouldn’t want to. She has her own children. She doesn’t want to raise ours.”
- “That’s not your business.”
6. “I don’t know how you can let someone else carry your baby. I’d be a nervous wreck.”
Of course you’d like to be the one carrying your baby. So, thanks a lot for the “encouragement?”
Big sigh. Tell them:
- “We are nervous, but this is how we’re going to become parents.”
- “This was the best option in front of us.”
- “That’s not your business.”
7. “So, who is the baby biologically related to?”
This. Is. Your. Baby.
Feel free to let them know they’re being awkward:
- “Does it matter?”
- “This baby is ours, regardless of genetics.”
- “That’s not your business.”
8. “How are you going to explain this to your kids someday?”
I don’t know, Janet, how did you explain where babies come from to little Bobby over there?
Tell them that you’ve got it handled, and that surrogacy is nothing to be ashamed of:
- “We plan on talking about it together from day one, and we’re prepared to do so.”
- “Everyone talks to their kids about their birth and coming into the family. This will be no different.”
- “That’s not your business.”
9. “Is it awkward? Don’t you get jealous?”
OK, sure. Maybe you’ve felt a little jealous or awkward at times. But 99.9% of the time you’re just really amped to be a parent.
Once again, it’s time to come to your surrogate’s defense:
- “Our surrogate is our partner, not our rival.”
- “We’re just excited to be parents, and our surrogate is helping us achieve that.”
- “That’s not your business.”
10. “I heard this story about a surrogate who…”
And I heard that you finally learned how to behave in social situations, Deborah, but clearly that was just a rumor.
- “Cool story, bro.”
- “Horror-story situations are the ultra-rare exception to the rule, and most occurred in situations of traditional surrogacy and usually happened before surrogacy contracts and agencies were a thing. This isn’t like that. At all.”
- “That’s not your business.”
One More Time, with Feeling: “That’s. Not. Your. Business.”
Because, honestly — it bears repeating. As long as you’re honoring your surrogacy contract and you’re respecting the privacy of your surrogate, it’s entirely up to you how much (or little) you choose to disclose. These types of questions and comments are always a great teaching moment when talking with your loved ones. But, nobody would blame you if you just respond with a plain old, “That’s not your business.”
Not sure how to navigate conversations with family during the holiday season? Reach out to your American Surrogacy specialist for information and support at any time.