Author: afm

Why Don’t Intended Parents “Just” Adopt?

It’s a common question that intended parents pursuing surrogacy receive:

Why don’t you just adopt?

For those unfamiliar with gestational surrogacy, choosing this method to build a family may be hard to understand. For them, surrogacy brings up concerns over financial burden, genetic relationships, time and emotional complications.

While their concerns are often well-meaning, they can be hard for intended parents to hear. People who have struggled with infertility go through a lot before deciding on gestational surrogacy. They’re excited about this next step to build their family! But, when people ask them why they don’t “just” adopt, intended parents can feel judged for the personal decision they’ve made for their family.

The decision between adoption and surrogacy is a big one to make. So, before you start prying into this personal decision of intended parents, think about these reasons why adoption may not have been right for them:

1. They want a biological connection to their child.

People who have never struggled with infertility often take for granted their ability to have a genetically related child. It was easy for them to conceive a biological child, so they likely don’t think about the emotions tied to this seemingly simple connection.

But, intended parents have.

A biological connection is the biggest reason why intended parents choose to pursue surrogacy over adoption. Like many other parents, intended parents want a child who looks like them and shares their blood. While genetic relationship does not make a family, many intended parents want to have this relationship, if at all possible.

It’s not a simple decision to give up dreams of having a biological child. Parents who pursue adoption must go through a grief process as they accept their child will not have a genetic connection. It’s not as easy as “just deciding” to start the adoption process.

2. They have remaining embryos from infertility treatments.

For some intended parents, the idea of discarding or donating perfectly usable embryos is a difficult one. So, instead, they decide to use those embryos in a gestational surrogacy situation. This way, they feel better about the money they put into creating those embryos in the first place, and it gives them another chance for those embryos to develop into babies.

If you have leftover embryos you’re considering for surrogacy, you can always call our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) for more information on the surrogacy process with our agency.

3. They want more control over their baby’s development in utero.

Parents who choose adoption to bring a child into their family must give up a great deal of control. No matter what kind of adoption process they use, there are likely unknowns when it comes to the child’s health history and the personal history of their birth mother.

Intended parents who choose surrogacy have a bit more control over their surrogate’s pregnancy than adoptive parents have over a prospective birth mother’s. Every preference and expectation for a gestational pregnancy is outlined in a legal surrogacy contract. Intended parents can be involved in medical appointments and the birth of their child, and they are reassured in knowing the personal health history of their child — because the child is genetically related to them. They also have the confidence that their child will be theirs at the end of the pregnancy — unlike in adoption, when a prospective birth mother always has the right to change her mind.

Don’t get us wrong: Intended parents do have to give up a certain amount of control. But, they are often more comfortable with this sacrifice in gestational surrogacy than in adoption.

4. The adoption process isn’t right for their family.

Just as gestational surrogacy isn’t right for everyone, neither is the adoption process.

Sometimes, intended parents don’t have the option of adoption. Perhaps they’re an LGBT individual or couple, and they are worried about finding an LGBT-friendly agency in their state or country. Maybe they’re too old (or too young) to meet adoption requirements. Maybe they simply aren’t prepared to raise an adopted child and cope with the challenges along the way.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Adoption isn’t “easy”; it’s a path that parents often take after they have exhausted all of their other options and have spent months and years preparing. Intended parents who choose surrogacy may not have been ready for that challenging process at this time.

5. They have the right to choose the family-building option that is best for them.

Finally, for people asking, “Why didn’t you just adopt?” ask yourself this: Why didn’t you adopt?

Every hopeful parent has the right to choose the family-building process that is best for them. Just as you may have never considered adoption yourself, perhaps intended parents considering surrogacy didn’t either. There’s a lot that goes into this decision, including costs, emotions, timeline and more.  After considering all of this, intended parents discover that gestational surrogacy is the right option for them.

No matter how you built your own family, it’s never your place to judge or question why people build their families in specific ways. It’s much better to support someone’s family-building journey, whatever it is. Offer your practical and emotional support, and your friends going through surrogacy will be thankful.

Trying to decide whether gestational surrogacy is right for your family? Reach out to our surrogacy specialists for more information and professional advice.

What are Travel Restrictions All About in Surrogacy?

There’s a reason why surrogacy professionals encourage gestational carriers to clear their family calendars for the year or so of the surrogacy process. As part of your surrogacy requirements, you may be subject to a travel restriction during certain parts of your pregnancy.

On top of delaying any family vacations or travel plans, travel restrictions can seem like a bit of a nuisance — until you understand exactly why they’re a thing.

The best person to talk to about the restrictions of being a gestational carrier will always be a surrogacy professional. At American Surrogacy, our specialists are happy to answer all of your questions about the surrogacy process, including any you have about travel “do”s and “don’t”s. You can give them a call anytime at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

In the meantime, you can learn about the basics of travel during a gestational pregnancy below.

Why Do Surrogacy Contracts Set Travel Restrictions?

You’ve been pregnant before, so you should be aware of the realities of traveling while pregnant. But, in case you need a refresher, here’s a recap:

In general, it’s safe to travel throughout your pregnancy, although many doctors will recommend you stay local once you reach 36 weeks. (There’s no telling when that baby will decide to come!) For most women, the safest time to travel is during the second trimester — after the morning sickness of your first trimester and before the fatigue that comes with your third trimester.

However, there are certain risks that come with traveling with pregnant, especially if you have a history of complicated pregnancies. Sitting for long periods in the area can increase the risk of deep vein thrombosis, a condition in which blood clots form in the legs or other areas of the body. Women who have a history of anemia, respiratory disease, or cardiac disease should be wary of traveling while pregnant. Pregnancy is hard enough on your body, and travel can only increase the physical stressors on your body during this time.

For this reason, many surrogacy lawyers and professionals will advise that a gestational carrier stop traveling once she reaches a certain point in pregnancy. After all, the baby she is carrying is not hers, so any additional risks she incurs will tend to make the intended parents nervous. Remember: The goal of gestational surrogacy is to maximize the chance that the intended parents will have the healthy baby they’ve been dreaming about — and that you will have as healthy a pregnancy as possible. For that reason, certain sacrifices must be made, including your ability to travel at a certain point.

Intended parents are giving up a great deal of control by choosing gestational surrogacy, and stipulations over your pregnancy are some of the only ways they can play a part in their unborn baby’s development.

What Should You Expect in Your Surrogacy Contract?

That said, every surrogacy is different — and so is every set of intended parents. That’s why the negotiating of your surrogacy contract will be a back-and-forth conversation. This will ensure you and the intended parents come up with terms that you are both comfortable with. Don’t forget that you will have a personal surrogacy attorney protecting your rights and interests during this negotiation.

When it comes to travel restrictions, most surrogacy contracts will leave the decision up to the surrogate’s obstetrician. After all, things can change drastically as a pregnancy progresses; unforeseen occurrences can make what seemed fine early on impossible in the third trimester. Most gestational carriers and intended parents will be comfortable with this kind of travel arrangement. After all, they only want what is best for the health of the baby.

On the other hand, some intended parents will have specific ideas about their surrogate’s travel during pregnancy. Some intended parents will specifically request that their surrogate not travel in her third trimester; others will be okay with travel, but only if it is within her state. The latter is for several reasons — states have different surrogacy laws (which can be an issue if a surrogate delivers unexpectedly) and a surrogate will be far away from her obstetrician. All of this can make an intended parent nervous, which is why they may suggest certain travel rules.

Other intended parents may be stricter in their travel desires. If an intended parent requests that you not travel at all during your pregnancy, you may not be comfortable with that kind of restriction. What happens if there’s a family emergency and you have to travel on short notice? The resentment you would feel toward them would likely harm your relationship.

This is why being honest and open about your surrogacy preferences is so important. If you match with intended parents who request a strict travel policy, and you don’t think it will work for you, you’ll need to bring that up before your final contract is signed. If need be, you can find another match with parents who better share your ideals for the surrogacy journey.

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Travel restrictions in a surrogacy contract are a sensitive subject, which is why having a surrogacy professional by your side from day one is so important. Your specialist and attorney should speak with you at length about this topic, so you are fully informed before starting your surrogacy journey. Remember: Surrogacy is not right for every woman at every period in her life, and the possibility of travel restrictions may highlight that for you during this time in your life.

Want to learn more about surrogacy contracts and what is expected from you as a gestational carrier? Contact our specialists today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

4 Ways to Choose the Best Surrogacy Clinic for You

Just as selecting the right surrogacy partner and primary surrogacy professional is integral to a successful surrogacy experience, choosing the right surrogacy clinic is an important decision. Whether you call them “surrogacy clinics,” “fertility clinics,” or “IVF clinics,” intended parents and their gestational surrogate will all need to coordinate with this type of professional to complete the medical steps of the surrogacy process.

Here are four things you should always take into consideration when choosing a fertility clinic:

1. Location

Typically, both the gestational surrogate and the intended parents will work with the same fertility clinics individually in coordinating for certain appointments. The intended parents will work with a fertility clinic to create and prepare embryos, using gametes from the intended parents or donors. There may also be egg retrieval involved for the intended mother in some surrogacy situations.

Meanwhile, the surrogate will work with the intended parents’ fertility clinic to prepare for embryo transfer by taking the necessary fertility medications. She’ll need access to the clinic for scheduled testing, monitoring and more. For a surrogate, a conveniently located surrogacy clinic is a very important consideration, because she may be traveling back and forth to this location for appointments regularly until she’s pregnant.

Convenient and consistent access to a reputable surrogacy clinic isn’t always easy to come by, especially if you live in a rural area. Does a larger national clinic have a branch or an affiliated doctor at a local hospital near you? Can you realistically travel back and forth to a certain location? Location is something you’ll need to consider at the beginning of your surrogacy journey.

At Surrogate.com, you can find local surrogacy resources listed by state, including surrogacy clinics. Just click on your state, and go to the “Surrogacy Professionals” page listed there.

2. Cost

Surrogates will have the medical costs of their surrogacy journey covered, but finding a cost-effective fertility clinic that accepts your insurance is an important consideration when choosing a surrogacy clinic. Intended parents have probably invested a large sum of money toward having a child already, and they’ll need to budget their expenses at the fertility clinic carefully.

Your reproductive endocrinologist can help walk you through different IVF package options that a prospective clinic may offer, so you can choose what’s most cost-effective (and what’s most likely to be successful) based on your individual situation. That way, you’ll know you aren’t paying for anything you don’t need. We’ll also help intended parents and surrogates sort out their insurance policies, so everyone is covered as much as possible before you begin.

Of course, choosing a clinic exclusively on cost isn’t a good idea. The cheapest options aren’t always going to be the best options. You can always ask American Surrogacy for recommendations when you’re comparing costs of fertility clinics.

3. Success Rates

You’ll likely see intended parents and gestational surrogates discussing statistical success rates of fertility clinics in online forums. Another quick scan of these discussions, and you’ll also learn that some fertility clinics consistently accept patients with a lower (or higher) chance of success, which can skew their overall success rates.

There are organizations in the U.S. that track the reported success rates of surrogacy clinics, but you always have to take those reports with a grain of salt. Those numbers often don’t reflect the types of patients they work with, the cases they’re best qualified to handle, the experience of the providers, how many cases they take on, and other factors — so choosing a surrogacy clinic based solely on their statistical rate of success is never a good idea.

You can certainly take a clinic’s reported success rate into account when selecting the clinic you’d like to work with, but it shouldn’t be the only criteria you examine. You can view reports of IVF success rates for fertility clinics in the U.S. with these resources:

4. Ability to Meet Your Needs

Finding a surrogacy clinic that offers the services you’ll need may take a little research. For example, you may need to check to make sure a particular clinic offers:

  • Medical screening
  • Cryopreservation
  • Genetic screening of embryos
  • In vitro fertilization (IVF)
  • Connections to gamete banks
  • Gamete retrieval
  • Pregnancy testing for gestational surrogates
  • And more

What you’re looking for in terms of services will depend on your individual surrogacy situation, but take note that not all fertility clinics or endocrinologists will offer the same range of services. Know what you’ll need, and what you can do without. Your American Surrogacy specialist can be a good voice of experience here.

Asking plenty of questions will be a good way to assess whether or not a surrogacy clinic is going to be the right fit for you and your surrogacy partner, so write down everything you can think of! Not sure what to ask? Your American Surrogacy specialist and former surrogates/intended parents who have been through this process themselves can give you suggestions to start with, so ask others for their advice. It’s a big decision, but you don’t have to make it alone.

Need some help finding the right surrogacy clinic? Ask an American Surrogacy specialist now by calling 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

Spending Father’s Day as a Hopeful Parent in the Surrogacy Process

If you’re an intended father in the middle of the surrogacy process, Father’s Day can be a hard reminder that you’re still waiting for your baby. If you’re experiencing some mixed emotions today, you’re not alone.

To help you through it, here are a few different ways you can spend the day, as well as some important reminders for the waiting dads of surrogacy:

Check In With Your Surrogate

Checking in with your surrogacy partner can be reassuring, especially if you’re feeling a little adrift today. Do what feels right depending on the type of relationship you share with your gestational surrogate, but here are a few suggestions:

  • Ask how she’s feeling and how things are going on her side of things.
  • Schedule a time to meet for lunch and catch up, if you live in the same area.
  • Get her a small gift to commemorate your journey together and show your appreciation, if you think it’s appropriate.

Take a Self-Care Day

The surrogacy process can wear on everyone, including intended fathers. Take a break for the day. If you need to distance yourself from all mentions of surrogacy, Father’s Day and babies (all of which can be painful reminders that you’re not a dad yet), then do so. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie, a massage, or even just a day on the couch. The physical, mental and emotional well-being of intended parents needs to be looked after, too.

Do Something for Your Future Child

Letting go of so much control in the surrogacy process is hard for intended parents. Actively doing something, even something small, can be comforting.

How about meaningful preparations for your future baby? You could:

  • Write your future baby a letter on this Father’s Day without them, letting them know how excited you are to meet them and the promises you’d like to make to them as a father.
  • Start a journal or baby book to document the journey that your family and your surrogate are experiencing, which you can share with your child.
  • Frame a photo of an ultrasound, of you and your surrogate, or of you and your spouse. You can add it to the nursery or your desk at work.
  • Work on the nursery, or purchase something meaningful for your surrogate or child. For example, you could give your surrogate a special stuffed animal to sleep with to later give to your baby as an emotional transfer object.

Celebrate With a Not-a-Father’s-Day

This may seem a little counterintuitive when becoming a parent has been the focus for a long time, but consider: This may be your last Father’s Day of “freedom.” A freedom you’ll gladly relinquish, yes, but that freedom allows you to stay out late without a sitter, sleep in, bask in a toy-free living room, and more. When you’re a dad, those little pleasures will be harder to come by, so enjoy them while you can!

If You’re Struggling with Father’s Day, Don’t Forget These Important Things

In case you needed to hear them, here are a few important reminders for today (and every day of your wait):

  • You will be your child’s dad, regardless of whether or not you’re biologically related to him or her.
  • If you’re going to be a single father through surrogacy, remind yourself that you’re not the only person who’s chosen to parent solo; there’s a small-but-growing community (as well as your surrogacy specialist) you can always talk to.
  • If you’re a member of an LGBT couple and one of you will be genetically related to your baby, remember that you are both equally your child’s fathers.
  • If you struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss, take a moment to acknowledge what those losses meant to you today.
  • Even though you’re not the one going through the physical experiences of fertility treatments or pregnancy, you’re still equally emotionally affected by your journey to parenthood and the struggles you’ve faced. Your feelings deserve recognition, too.
  • You will be a dad, even if it sometimes feels like it’ll “never happen!”

Your American Surrogacy specialist is always here for you if you need to talk this Father’s Day, or any day. Contact us at 1-800-875-BABY (2229) anytime.

How to Explain Your Surrogacy Journey to Your Older Children

Secondary infertility is more common than you think. If you’re pursuing gestational surrogacy after having a biological child naturally, you have a lot to think about.

One of the questions you may be asking yourself: “How do I explain this to my child?”

It’s likely that your child has grown up only knowing about the traditional way to bring a child into the world. Explaining gestational surrogacy may seem impossible. But, it’s not — and many parents have successful done it.

Here at American Surrogacy, we are dedicated to proper education about the surrogacy process and to helping intended parents however we can. You can always speak to your specialist at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) as you prepare for this important conversation.

We’ve also gathered a helpful list of tips and advice below:

Explaining Surrogacy to the Child You Birthed Yourself

When many would-be adoptive and intended parents explain nontraditional family-building to their older children, they try to keep it age-appropriate. Rather than go into the details of how reproduction works, they say that “Mommy’s tummy is broken,” so another woman (whether a birth mother or a gestational carrier) will carry their sibling, instead.

Often, this is a great way to introduce infertility. But, if an intended mother carried her first biological child, this explanation may be followed up with a bigger question from their child: “Did I break Mommy’s tummy?”

Children are smarter than many people give them credit for and, while they may accept the idea of surrogacy easily, they may also make leaps of comprehension you don’t anticipate. So, when explaining that you are pursuing the surrogacy process, emphasize that your older child was not the one who “broke” your tummy. Sometimes, these things happen, and it’s nobody’s fault. Remind them that you were so happy to carry them in your stomach, and you wouldn’t change anything about it.

If you’re having trouble with this conversation, there are a few books that you can use to introduce the topic of gestational surrogacy:

Explaining Egg and Sperm Donors

Explaining gestational surrogacy can be hard enough — but how do you explain to your children that their younger sibling is going to be their biological half-sibling?

As you should with any nontraditional family-building method, you should always be open with your children (both older and younger) about their genetic relationships. It’s incredibly harmful for children to find out that their birth story and genetic relationship is a lie later on, so positive celebration of their unique story should start from the moment you bring them home.

If you are pursuing surrogacy with gamete donation, you may worry about what this will mean for your older child — and your child yet to be born. Will it cause resentment about genetic relationships?

Any adopted sibling will tell you that’s not the case. It’s love that makes a family, not blood. While you may have difficult conversations ahead of you in the future, your children will love each other no matter their genetic connection.

How you tackle this subject will depend upon your child’s understanding of the reproductive system. Here’s an example of how to explain a sperm or egg donor to younger children, provided by an intended mother herself:

“Mommy was able to grow you in my tummy but later after you were born, Mommy’s tummy stopped working for growing babies. Mommy was very, very sad because you are so special that Mommy and Daddy really wanted to have more children and you to be able to have a brother or sister. Then, we met some very loving, giving women/men who were willing to help us give you a brother or sister. Babies are made from a little bit of a man and a little bit of a woman. Since Mommy/Daddy didn’t have any little bits to give, another woman/man let our family have a special lit bit of themselves. Doctors took that and made your siblings, but babies need to grow in a woman’s stomach before they are big enough to come home. Another woman let your brother or sister grow in her tummy until she/he was big enough to come out and come home with us. So, you are so loved that four people came together to give you the chance to have a brother or sister that we wanted so much.”

Take this example, and tweak it to your situation. It’s a great place to start when introducing this topic.

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When it comes to explaining gestational surrogacy, it’s always good to use age-appropriate language — but don’t use that as an excuse to hide the facts from your child. More and more families are being created in nontraditional ways, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s something to be proud of! Your older child may soon be telling the world about their excitement for their new sibling, including the way in which he or she is coming into their life.

Still, this conversation can be tricky. And that’s why your surrogacy specialist is here to help. When you contact your specialist, she can give you tips and advice for explaining surrogacy to older children for as positive a conversation as possible.

Ready to share your news with your children? Talk to a surrogacy specialist today. 

Tips for Surviving a Failed Transfer: Surrogates

You’ve spent weeks preparing for your embryo transfer date. You’ve taken the pills, given yourself the shots, gone to the appointments and “thought sticky thoughts” at your transfer procedure. Now, you learn that this transfer failed.

Every gestational surrogate will have a different reaction to a failed embryo transfer. However, the following general tips may help you cope with this loss and begin to take the next steps in your journey as a surrogate:

Do:

Acknowledge your intended parents’ feelings.

If your intended parents struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss prior to pursuing surrogacy, this failed transfer may come as a serious emotional (and financial) blow to them. They may pull away for a while, or they may turn to you for support. Try to be aware of their needs, and acknowledge the importance of this loss for them. It can be tempting to want to “fix” this for them, but letting them know that you’re there for them will be more important.

Acknowledge your own feelings.

The intended parents aren’t the only ones who will need to grieve a failed transfer. Gestational surrogates often say they feel a sense of guilt or failure, in addition to sadness and disappointment. You put so much effort and hope into this transfer, and finding out that it failed is a loss for you, too. Talking through what you’re feeling can help you begin to process this. Talk to your loved ones, your surrogate specialist, a counselor or other gestational surrogates who have been in your shoes. You’re not alone!

Understand the many reasons why this happens.

An embryo’s failure to implant can happen for any number of reasons, but ultimately, this particular embryo would not have been able to survive a pregnancy. All of the conditions have to be absolutely perfect for a human being to be created — on a chemical level, within an embryo, within a woman’s body and more. This is nature’s way of trying to create only healthy babies. That doesn’t make this loss any less sad; it’s just important to remember that this was out of your hands.

Don’t:

Blame yourself.

Again, those feelings of guilt are not uncommon for surrogates (and women in general) who have experienced a failed transfer. You may feel as if you’ve let your intended parents down somehow. You might wonder, “Did I do something wrong? Could I have done something more carefully?” The answer is, emphatically: No.

You’ve done (and are doing) an amazing job! Failed transfers are not uncommon, and they’re not anyone’s fault. If you’re struggling with a sense of guilt, please reach out to your surrogate specialist and your support system. We’re always here for you!

Lose sight of the big picture.

After weeks of a careful routine, medications, preparation and excitement, only to be let down by a failed transfer, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and a little lost. In the emotions of a failed transfer, you can become caught up in second-guessing and questions like, “Is this worth it? Will this work?”

It’s not always easy in these low moments, but try to remember why you wanted to do this in the first place: to help your intended parents. Don’t forget that a failed transfer doesn’t mean a failed surrogacy journey.

Rush into another cycle if you’re not ready.

The preparation necessary for an embryo transfer is physically and emotionally taxing. You may still be recovering from the physical effects of the medication involved in the last cycle, and you may still be emotionally recovering from this failed transfer. Regardless, you might feel like you need some time before you try again.

This is something you’ll need to talk about with your intended parents, surrogate specialist and fertility clinic. That way, your next transfer attempt can be timed correctly with your cycle while still giving you space to rest.

Need to talk to someone after a failed embryo transfer? You can always contact a surrogate specialist at American Surrogacy by calling 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

Tips for Surviving a Failed Transfer: Intended Parents

You’ve waited for this moment and put a significant amount of hope and money on the line — only to find out that this embryo transfer failed and your gestational surrogate is not pregnant this time. Now what?

Everyone’s reaction to a failed transfer is going to be different. But, these general tips may help you cope with this loss, so you can start to move forward with the next steps in your surrogacy journey:

Do:

Allow yourself a moment to feel whatever you’re feeling.

If you experienced infertility prior to pursuing surrogacy, then you already had to grieve that loss. For some, a failed transfer can feel like an IVF failure all over again. It’s OK if you’re feeling hopeless, frustrated and disappointed. Talk to your spouse, partner, surrogacy specialist, counselor or whoever you lean on for support to help you deal with this loss in a healthy way.

Connect with your surrogate and with other intended parents.

Your surrogate is also grieving for, and with, you. It wasn’t her embryo, but her hopes were high for you, and she’s probably going through some guilt and sadness of her own. Turning to one another for support can be comforting — you’re in this together, after all. Talking to parents via surrogacy or IVF who experienced similar setbacks can also be reassuring, and they can often offer perspective and tips for coping.

Focus on your surrogacy plan.

When you created your surrogacy contract, you agreed on a maximum number of embryo transfers with your gestational surrogate. This wasn’t your only chance. Failed transfers aren’t at all unusual. Your fertility clinic and surrogacy specialist know that, and they’ll help you to stay focused on your next step.

Don’t:

Indulge the urge to jump ship.

It can be tempting to switch fertility clinics, gestational surrogates, surrogacy professionals, or even run from your surrogacy journey altogether when something goes wrong. It often takes more than one transfer to become pregnant, and failed transfers aren’t a sign that any person within your surrogacy team is failing you. Stick with it, and stick with them for a while longer. Everyone is doing their utmost for you.

Blame yourself.

You might look for someone else to blame, or you might try to blame yourself. Ultimately, there’s no one at fault. Somehow, it’s more frustrating to shrug and say that, “These things just happen,” but unfortunately, it’s true. You’re doing everything you can for your future baby, and nothing you or anyone else could have done would have made this transfer magically successful.

Become overwhelmed by this loss.

Again, a failed embryo transfer can be incredibly devastating — even more so if you have experienced pregnancy losses in the past. However, it’s important that you don’t lose sight of something important: If you stick with this, you will become a parent. This is easier said than done when you’re grieving a loss, and it sometimes feels like it’ll “never happen,” but it will.

If you’re struggling after a failed transfer, or you need some guidance about emotionally moving forward with your surrogacy journey, you can always contact a specialist at American Surrogacy for help.

What Can Surrogates Do to Make Their Intended Parents’ Journey Easier?

Everyone knows: Being a surrogate is hard work. But, between all of the focus on your health, pregnancy and well-being, intended parents can sometimes get lost. And that’s not fair!

While intended parents may not go through the same physical process as their gestational carrier, they go through an equally difficult emotional process. It’s hard to give up control of their baby’s development in utero, even to a woman that they trust deeply. For them, surrogacy is the last step in the long, hard journey they’ve taken to become parents — and this step can sometimes be the hardest yet.

If you’re a surrogate, you want to make your intended parents’ part of the surrogacy journey as easy as possible. That’s a very generous and selfless thing to do, and we commend you for it. But, how can you go above and beyond to help them during your pregnancy?

Below, find a few tips for doing exactly that. Remember, you can always speak with your surrogacy specialist for more advice on what is and is not appropriate in your surrogacy relationship.

1. Keep them informed of your pregnancy and the baby’s development.

The biggest thing you can do to ease your intended parents’ minds? Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Your intended parents are giving up a great deal of control by using the surrogacy process. Even though they trust you to carry their child safely, there are still a great deal of questions and concerns that will pop up before and during your pregnancy. When you’re a surrogate, the best way to help them out is by anticipating those needs. Share your pregnancy experience, and share often.

Frequent updates — such as how you’re feeling, whether the baby is starting to move and more — are extremely reassuring to your intended parents. Phone calls and texts are easy for you to do, but they will mean more to your intended parents than you could ever know.

2. Involve them in your medical appointments and important moments.

If possible, don’t just tell your intended parents about your baby’s development — let them be an active part in it.

Many intended parents are thrilled when invited to a surrogate’s medical appointments. Keep them up to date on your scheduled ultrasounds and other important appointments. That way, they can make the decision to attend if it is in their power.

On the same note, make sure to inform your intended parents about some of the smallest medical changes. If you see a different doctor at one appointment, tell them. If your doctor anticipates changes in your delivery plans, make sure to let your intended parents know. Even something as small as a minor illness should be known by your intended parents, especially if you have to take a prescription to clear it up.

Trust us: The last thing you want is for your intended parents to hear about your medical situation secondhand.

3. Share special experiences with them.

While telling your intended parents about the day-to-day details is important, you can also try to include them in special ways!

Remember that your intended mother (if applicable) would give anything to experience pregnancy the way you are. So, find a way to replicate those experiences for her. Have your obstetrician record your sonograms or the baby’s heartbeat, and you can create a sweet DVD gift for your intended parents to cherish. Try to capture their baby moving on film or, better yet, arrange a date with the intended parents when you anticipate the baby being particularly “active.” Giving them the opportunity to feel their baby move will be a priceless gift.

4. Stay open to their suggestions and wants.

While it’s important that you talk about your experiences with the intended parents, it’s equally important that you listen to them throughout the surrogacy journey. Even though they are not the ones carrying their child, their preferences and desires should be respected at every step along the way.

In most surrogacies, what your intended parents expect of you will be discussed as part of your surrogacy contract. But, it’s not uncommon for intended parents to think of something new they want during the pregnancy. You should make all efforts to abide by those wishes.

For example, even though it may require extra time and effort from you, be enthusiastic about playing recordings of music and their voices to the baby in utero. Read stories to their baby, if they desire, and try to incorporate their pregnancy preferences into your everyday routine — as long as it is safe for you to do so.

Remember: While this is your pregnancy, this is not your baby. Your intended parents will appreciate you having as close a pregnancy to their own desires as possible.

5. Be organized with your financial needs.

Finally, one of the most helpful things you can do for your intended parents involves a more sensitive topic: financial issues.

Your intended parents are responsible for all of your medical expenses during your surrogacy, whether they have set up an escrow service or will reimburse you for your expenses as they occur. Either way, organization is key. Having all of your expenses itemized will prevent headaches for your intended parents.

For example, when it comes to your fertility medication, it’s a good idea to keep an inventory of all the medication you are on, how much is left, when you’ll need a refill, and how much it costs. Similarly, when you start attending medical appointments, keep all of your itemized receipts in a clearly marked folder, organized by date. Your intended parents will thank you — and it will be less likely that you’ll have to pay for certain expenses out-of-pocket.

Remember that your surrogacy specialist will be by your side to support you through the entire journey, and that includes mediating complicated conversations about finances and compensation. But, the more organized you are, the easier these conversations will be!

Want more tips on maintaining a positive relationship with your intended parents? Speak with our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) today.

Dual Transfers: What to Know Before Considering This Path

As you consider your medical options for surrogacy, you may have heard one phrase pop up: “dual embryo transfer.”

If you’re an intended parent, the promise of a dual transfer may seem exciting. But, there are a few things to know before you decide to take this path.

Below, find out a bit more about this medical option. Remember, our surrogacy specialists are always available to answer your questions, as well.

Keep in mind: In this blog post, “dual transfer” and “double-embryo transfer” are two separate things. Read more about the latter here.

What is a Dual Transfer, and Why Do People Choose this Option?

A dual transfer occurs when both a gestational carrier and her intended mother undergo an embryo transfer at the same time. Usually, it’s a way for an intended mother to have one more chance at getting pregnant. It also sets up the possibility that both women will experience pregnancy together.

While there are no official statistics on dual transfers in gestational surrogacy, it’s reasonable to assume that this occurrence is fairly rare. After all, many intended mothers come to surrogacy after failed IVF attempts; that’s why they’ve chosen someone else to carry their child for them.

For the women with the means to do so, however, dual transfers are one final way they can try to become pregnant and carry their own child. This can be a complicated process, though, so it’s only one to be pursued after much discussion with surrogacy and medical professionals — not to mention a prospective surrogate.

What are the Pros and Cons of a Dual Transfer?

The decision to pursue a dual transfer should only be made after intended parents and their gestational carrier have talked at length about it. The worst thing you can do is surprise your gestational carrier on embryo transfer day when you get prepped for the procedure, too.

As you discuss the possibility of dual embryo transfer with your prospective surrogate, refer to these advantages and disadvantages:

Pros:

  • There is a higher chance of a successful pregnancy. Looking solely at numbers, having both a gestational carrier and an intended mother undergo an embryo transfer increases the chance that there will be a successful pregnancy. However, if a reproductive endocrinologist has determined that an intended mother is highly unlikely to become pregnant, a dual transfer may not increase the overall chances of pregnancy that much.
  • An intended mother gets another shot at carrying her own child. If an intended mother has unexplained fertility or a doctor has determined she may be able to get pregnant, a dual transfer gives her one more chance at becoming pregnant. In this way, she can pursue her own pregnancy dreams with the simultaneous “backup” that her gestational carrier may become pregnant instead.
  • There are fewer “leftover” embryos. One of the biggest questions for intended parents is what to do with their remaining embryos. It can be emotionally difficult to discard or donate them, but frozen storage is not a permanent solution. If an intended mother undergoes an embryo transfer, she may feel like she “used” all of her embryos, even if a pregnancy does not result.

Cons:

  • Dual transfers are emotionally complicated. If an intended mother is interested in a dual transfer, it’s usually because she has not properly grieved the loss of the pregnancy experience. In the best case scenario, she gets pregnant during her dual transfer — but what if she doesn’t? She may be devastated by another failed pregnancy, and her emotions will likely be compounded if her gestational carrier becomes pregnant. What should be a happy time will be a sad one — not a wonderful start to their partnership together.
  • Dual transfers will cost more. It seems obvious, but just because you are doing two transfers at the same time doesn’t mean you will get two-for-one pricing. And, with the average IVF cycle costing $12,000, an intended mother is looking at a huge increase to her overall surrogacy costs.
  • Many surrogates will not agree to a dual transfer. Intended mothers who are thinking about a dual transfer should be upfront with their surrogate about their desires — before even signing the legal contract. Ideally, your plans to do a dual transfer should be a part of your initial search for a surrogate. Many women will not be comfortable with the complexities and unknowns of carrying a pregnancy at the same time as their intended mother, so it may be harder for you to find a surrogate with whom to take this path.
  • Intended parents can get more than they bargain for. Those who consider dual transfers often don’t consider the possibility of both transfers being successful — but it can happen. Are you prepared to care for two babies if so? Or four, if you both receive a double-embryo transfer?

Choosing to move forward with a dual transfer is a highly personal decision — but it is one that must be approved by your reproductive endocrinologist and your surrogacy professional. To talk to one of our surrogacy specialists about our agency policies on this and other procedures, please call us at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) or contact us online.

“Snowflake” Embryo Adoption: A Warning to LGBT and Single Parents

It’s becoming more and more common for intended parents to use donated embryos as part of their gestational surrogacy. For many people, it makes sense: Embryo adoption is usually much cheaper than a fresh IVF cycle, and gestational surrogacy gives a degree of control over pregnancy that private domestic infant adoption cannot.

However, embryo adoption — increasingly called “snowflake adoption” — is not for everyone. In fact, if you’re a single or LGBT intended parent, embryo adoption could likely be much harder for you than it would be for a married, heterosexual couple.

Why? Keep reading below to learn more.

The Religious Overtones of Embryo Adoption

As more hopeful parents go through the in vitro fertilization process to become pregnant, there’s been an unanticipated result: a growing number of frozen embryos being stored indefinitely. For many intended parents, the idea of discarding embryos that they worked so hard to create is emotionally difficult. And, for a group of certain intended parents, discarding embryos would be akin to “killing” frozen children.

For many reasons, leftover embryos have been donated to organizations promising to give these “snowflake babies” a chance at life with someone else desperate to become a parent. In turn, the process is frequently called “embryo adoption” — invoking the same emotions as the adoption of a child already born.

As a New York Times piece reveals, embryo “snowflake” adoption is increasingly tied to organizations affiliated with anti-abortion rights or Christian organizations — many of which receive federal funding. Whether intentional or not, many of these organizations have closely affiliated themselves with the mindset of “pro-life” advocates. In their views, donated embryos are not just cells that can become a child; they already are a child.

An intended parent need only look at advertising materials from some of the biggest embryo adoption centers to see the evidence:

  • From the National Embryo Donation Center: When couples decide that their family is complete but still have embryos remaining… they can thaw them out and let them die… Embryo adoption allows the genetic parents to give their embryos a chance for life.
  • From Nightlight Christian Adoptions: Just as each snowflake is frozen, unique and a gift from heaven, so are each of our embryo adopted Snowflake Babies. We hope to help each donated embryo grow, develop and live a full life.

For these professionals, an embryo is more than just a collection of cells; they are children waiting to be born. This viewpoint overlooks the fact that, for many intended parents, a created embryo may or may not grow into a fetus for many reasons — quality of embryo, likelihood of implantation and more.

What This Means for LGBT and Single Parents

Putting aside the never-ending controversy of that position, what does this ethical viewpoint mean for intended parents wishing to use a donated embryo in their gestational surrogacy?

Here’s the quandary: Organizations that have this view of life at conception often have specific ideas of who should be a parent — specifically, that only heterosexual couples should pursue embryo adoption.

Both the National Embryo Donation Center and Nightlight Christian Adoptions have specific requirements for hopeful adoptive parents. In the case of NEDC, only a couple of a “genetic” male and female who are married can adopt, and embryos cannot be adopted to be used in a gestational surrogacy. Similarly, Nightlight’s initial application requires a mother and father to fill out their information, and the agency’s overarching requirements necessitate that an adoptive couple have a “spiritual home environment,” among other things.

Clearly, those who don’t fit the heteronormative expectations of these adoption agencies don’t have this option with those agencies — no matter how well-prepared they are to become parents.

If you’re a single intended parent or a member of an LGBT couple, embryo adoption may not be possible for your gestational surrogacy. That’s why it’s so important to seek out LGBT-friendly adoption agencies and donor centers. Unfortunately, there is still a great deal of prejudice out there for nontraditional families, and the steps it takes to bring your new addition home may be a bit more complicated than for a heterosexual married couple.

For a more comprehensive look at requirements of embryo adoption agencies, check out the Embryo Adoption Awareness Center’s list. It’s always a good idea to speak with a professional in person to determine whether you are eligible for their embryo adoption program.

Even if embryo adoption is not a possibility for your family, there are many other paths you can take to achieve your gestational surrogacy. To learn more about them, give our surrogacy specialists a call at 1-800-875-2229(BABY). Our agency happily works with all intended parents — regardless of marital status or sexual orientation — and we’d be honored to help you bring a child into your life.