Author: afm

What to Expect at the First OB Visit in Your Surrogacy

Prior to your surrogate’s first visit with her obstetrician (OB), she and you will have primarily worked with your fertility clinic, which will be very familiar with the surrogacy process. But your surrogate’s OB may have never experienced a surrogate pregnancy before and may not know what to expect. You and your surrogate may not know what to expect, either!

We know how confusing this time can be, which is why we’ve answered some of your biggest questions about prenatal appointments in gestational surrogacy journeys below.

What the Average OB Experience Is Like

The first OB visit generally occurs between 8 and 12 weeks of pregnancy. The surrogacy process won’t affect this first OB visit much, although the doctor may ask a few questions about gamete donors, if applicable.

If you’ve never experienced one before, a prenatal visit can be a little scary. Here’s what happens in the standard first trip to an OB for surrogates, depending on the week of pregnancy and the doctor’s recommendations:

  • The surrogate’s health and vitals will be checked, and she’ll be asked a lot of questions to make sure her first trimester is going well so far.
  • Your surrogate may receive a full physical, so you’ll need to step out and give her some privacy.
  • Your surrogate will have her blood drawn to test for fetal abnormalities.
  • There may also be a urine test, a pap smear, or other tests to check fetal and maternal health.
  • A transvaginal ultrasound may be performed to evaluate early development.
  • You may be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat.
  • The doctor will review the next steps and schedule the next routine appointment.
  • You and your surrogate will sign a lot of paperwork, usually HIPPA consent forms to release medical information. Most of this paperwork will be completed by your gestational carrier.

The first visit to the OB consists mostly of the doctor asking questions, some of which may be rendered inapplicable as a result of the surrogacy process. This is usually an exciting time for surrogates and intended parents alike, so enjoy the moment together!

How to Prepare for Your Surrogate’s First OB Appointment

These five steps may help you navigate your first visit together at the OB:

Step 1: Jointly Decide How Much You’ll Participate in Your Surrogate’s Pregnancy

You’ve probably already talked about this when you created your surrogacy contract together, but you’ll need to have an honest conversation with your surrogate about how much of your involvement she feels comfortable with during the pregnancy and about how much you’d like to participate, if possible.

Not all intended parents accompany their surrogate to her first OB visit — maybe they’re unable to due to distance, or maybe the surrogate feels more comfortable going to this appointment without them. Regardless, you’ll have the rest of your child’s life to participate in important milestones, so missing the first OB visit certainly isn’t the end of the world.

Step 2: Talk to the OB Before the Visit

This may require leaving multiple messages, talking to several nurses and playing phone tag, but it’s important that everyone involved (especially the doctor who’ll be overseeing the surrogate’s care) knows about your surrogacy partnership, and is aware of everyone that will be attending the appointment. The OB may need to talk to the patient (your surrogate), as well as you, prior to this visit.

If they’re prepared for intended parents and the surrogate, plus her spouse (or whoever might be attending the doctor’s visit), then they’ll be better prepared to do their own job of walking you through what comes next in your surrogate’s pregnancy.

Step 3: Be Prepared for Some Insensitivity

Not everyone at the OB’s office will be aware of your surrogacy partnership. Even those who are aware may slip up and say things that are insensitive. Try to be patient and understand that out of the many pregnancies this office sees daily, surrogate pregnancies are rare.

Remember that you’re in this together with your surrogate. People may congratulate her on “her” baby or ask her unwelcome questions about surrogacy. Remember that both of you will likely be subject to uncomfortable moments, but that you’ll get through those moments together.

Step 4: Remember that Conflicting Feelings Aren’t Unusual for IPs

It’s not uncommon for intended parents to have complicated feelings throughout a surrogate pregnancy, and these feelings may be especially heightened at your first OB visit. You may:

  • Feel jealous that your surrogate is the one experiencing this visit with the doctor.
  • Grieve that you’re unable to carry your baby.
  • Be hurt or feel awkward when office staff ask questions or make assumptions about the baby’s genetic background.
  • Feel frustrated that you’re not in control of the pregnancy and your baby’s health and protection.
  • Be scared that you’ll lose the baby, especially if you have experienced previous pregnancy loss.

These types of emotions are usually coupled with the excitement, joy and nervousness that is typical of parents in an OB’s office. If you need to talk to someone, remember that you can always turn to your American Surrogacy specialist for support.

Step 5: Your Surrogate May Look to You

Surrogates have their own emotional support systems, but they’re doing this to complete your family. They want to make sure that you enjoy this appointment at the OB, too.

This appointment is a good opportunity for you to grow closer together and to remind your surrogate of how much you appreciate her and how much you’re looking forward to meeting your baby. Some ways to affirm your excitement to your surrogate can include:

  • Going out to lunch before or after your appointment together
  • Bringing her a little gift, like a card or a pregnancy pampering kit you put together
  • Giving her a hug
  • Taking a photo together to mark the occasion
  • Showing her something you plan to give to the baby, or telling her about name options
  • Or simply telling her how excited you are and how happy you are to have her in your life.

Seeing that you’re excited is what makes surrogacy worthwhile to surrogates!

Remember that if you have any questions about the medical processes of surrogacy, including the upcoming OB appointments, you can always call American Surrogacy at 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

Someone You Know Offered to Be Your Surrogate: How Do You Tell Them ‘No’?

“I’d be honored to carry your baby!” “I’d be your surrogate for free.” “Why would you go to a surrogacy agency when I could just do it for you?”

When someone you know says something like this to you, it comes from a place of love. Becoming a surrogate for someone is one of the most loving things a person can do. But identified surrogacy, — where you partner with someone you know, like a friend or family member — can come with some emotional complications and can sometimes make the process riskier for those involved.

So, how do you convey to this woman that although you’re grateful for her expression of love, you have to decline her generous offer? Here’s how:

Step 1: Thank Her!

She may be a little hurt that you’re declining, but growing your family is a big deal, and you need to do this your way.

Start by thanking her (a lot) and letting her know how much her offer means to you. Understanding where her offer to carry your child comes from can help her to feel more heard. She probably loves you, sees how much you want to have a baby and wants to help.

Your relationship with this woman is unique, so you’ll probably know best how to approach this delicate topic. Just a few tips to keep in mind:

  • Trust your instincts and your knowledge of your relationship.
  • Make sure she knows how you feel about her offering such an incredible gift to you.
  • Let her know how much you love and appreciate her.
  • Maybe offer other ways in which she can help in your journey to grow your family.

Step 2: Explain Why You Need to Decline

She may feel better if she understands the complexity of surrogacy and your reasons for declining her offer. Sometimes over-explaining can feel like a cop-out, so use your best judgment and your instincts of your relationship with this person.

There are a number of reasons why you might be turning down her offer to be your surrogate. Some of the reasons you might have, and feel the need to explain to her, can include:

  • You don’t want to jeopardize your relationship with her. The surrogacy process is an emotional one. Jealousy isn’t uncommon, finances are something that needs to be worked out in detail, things like pregnancy complications or selective termination are difficult topics you’d need to talk about, and more. All of this can put strain on even the strongest relationship.
  • She doesn’t meet the requirements. There are strict health, emotional and legal requirements for prospective surrogates, and not every woman is going to meet them. You may have greater knowledge of these requirements, so you already know she won’t be eligible for surrogacy.
  • She doesn’t have much knowledge of the surrogacy process.Becoming a surrogate, although rewarding, can be demanding, and the women who do so go into the agreement knowing what they’re in for. They’ve carefully researched the process, and they’ve signed on with an agency after being thoroughly screened and proving their commitment. Offering to become a surrogate is a kind thought, but actually committing to do so after seeking out the process is another matter.
  • You don’t want to have your surrogate present in your everyday post-surrogacy life. Feeling constantly indebted to this woman — who is likely a friend, family member or peer — would become too much if you see her on a regular basis after the baby is born. However, when you work with a surrogate that you only see occasionally, you don’t have the same kind of pressure on a relationship.
  • You know you would worry about the baby and pregnancy more often if you saw her more. Sometimes, a little distance is good in a surrogacy relationship. There’s a lot that’s out of your control in surrogacy, and if you see your surrogate regularly, it can be tempting to micromanage her pregnancy or obsess about her health. A surrogate who you see a little less can be equally stressful, but you wouldn’t have the constant visual reminder stirring up anxieties.

Step 3: Avoid Identified Surrogacy, Avoid More Hurt Feelings

If you agree to any identified surrogacy situation, you’ll have a potential for legal, financial and emotional issues. You may damage your relationship with the person who offered to be your surrogate. For these reasons and more, it’s generally recommended to avoid partnering with someone you personally know — unless you and she have discussed the process of surrogacy and your personal expectations for a long time and in detail.

While surrogacy partnerships often lead to close emotional bonds and friendships, in some ways, the process is often a little business-like. You wouldn’t think that a group of people who are excitedly joining together to have a baby would ever want to avoid emotions, but due to the by-the-book nature of surrogacy, sometimes having a surrogacy partner to whom you’re not already close can help those clinical moments feel less awkward. When you enter into a surrogacy journey with a woman you already know, your relationship will change forever — for good or for bad — and there will be no going back to the relationship you had before. Are you and your loved one prepared for that?

Turning down an identified surrogacy offer can be uncomfortable, but hopefully the woman who offered will understand that building a family is a deeply personal path and that you need to do it in your own way.

If you’re ready to match with a surrogate who shares your surrogacy goals and whom you feel a connection with, contact an American Surrogacy specialist at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

5 Steps to Take When Something Unexpected Happens in Your Surrogacy

In an ideal surrogacy, everything would go according to plan. The surrogacy plan set by intended parents and their gestational carrier would outline everything to expect in the months ahead, and both parties would follow their step-by-step process to successfully bring a new child into the world, with little to no stress for either party.

However, not all surrogacy journeys go this way. In fact, it’s more likely than not that something unexpected will happen during your surrogacy journey. Surrogacy is a process with many moving parts and complex factors, and it’s highly likely that something may not go as planned in the many steps along the way. This is completely normal — but it can be stressful, whether you are an intended parent or gestational carrier.

Remember, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy will be there to guide you through every step of this process. They will be there to answer any questions you have and help alleviate any concerns that come up along the way.

That said, if you find yourself facing an unexpected development in your surrogacy journey, what should you do?

Step 1: Take a deep breath.

When something doesn’t go according to plan in life, it’s normal to be frustrated or even panicked. This is even truer in a surrogacy journey; adding to a family is an incredibly important journey, and feeling like something is going “wrong” is incredibly stressful for both intended parents and gestational carriers.

That’s why the most important thing to do when something doesn’t go according to plan is to first take a deep breath. It’s important to have a clear head when your journey goes off-book; otherwise, you can easily say and do things in the heat of the moment that you will later regret. Before doing anything else, sit down and take a deep breath (as long as there is no immediate medical risk to you or your surrogacy partner).

Step 2: Contact your surrogacy professional.

The first person you should always contact if something unexpected occurs should be your surrogacy professional. Your surrogacy specialist is trained to handle many kinds of difficult situations, and they will be able to guide you step-by-step through this situation that you find yourself in.

Believe us: We are always here for you, no matter what. As your full-service surrogacy agency, American Surrogacy is prepared to help you through every step of your surrogacy journey, even those which pop up unexpectedly. Some situations may require professional intervention, while others may not. Either way, we want to know about everything that happens in your surrogacy journey.

Step 3: Calmly think about your options.

As mentioned above, panicking or stressing about an unexpected development in your surrogacy journey is often counterproductive. When something unexpected occurs, it’s important to calmly think about the paths available to you. Obviously, they will vary based on your situation — but many surrogacy participants automatically jump to the most extreme, worst-case-scenario paths when there are so many gentler ways to address the situation.

This is where our surrogacy specialists can be so helpful. Because they have experience in these situations, they can calmly offer you the paths you may wish to take, as well as the pros and cons of each. Rather than jumping into the first option presented, take the time to evaluate what’s best for your family. For example, if your gestational carrier is having contractions earlier than expected, you may be tempted to book a flight and hop on a plane to her right away. However, she may be simply having Braxton-Hicks pre-contractions, and waiting for more information from a doctor can save you lots of time and money.

Step 4: Keep your surrogacy partner informed.

Just as you will want to inform your surrogacy professional of any unexpected developments along the way, your surrogacy partner should be your second call. Surrogacy is a partnership, and the process only works when both partners trust and respect each other. Keeping each other informed is an important part of maintaining that mutual trust and respect.

Of course, there may be certain unexpected situations that arise because of your relationship with your surrogacy partner, and those situations may be best solved with the mediation of your surrogacy professional. In all other cases, we recommend that you make sure your surrogacy partner is aware of your situation as soon as you can describe it calmly and clearly. They will appreciate being in the know, especially because your surrogacy plan is their surrogacy plan, too. Any changes you have to make will impact their upcoming journey.

Step 5: Remember that unexpected developments are normal.

Finally, it’s important to remember that, should something unplanned happen, it’s completely normal. In most cases, it won’t mean the end for your surrogacy journey. Because surrogacy involves so many complicated steps, it’s completely natural for something to occur in a more complicated way than expected. Instead of panicking, try to see this as a special part of your unique surrogacy journey. You’ll likely find that, once everything is complete and a baby is born, the things that caused you the most anxiety during your surrogacy journey will only be little blips on your radar — or even something that you laugh about later on!

Remember, if you ever have any questions about what is and isn’t normal during your surrogacy journey, don’t hesitate to reach out to American Surrogacy today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

How Strict Are Surrogacy BMI Requirements?

The Body Mass Index (BMI) is a measurement of body fat based on your height and weight, taking into account whether the two are proportional. In surrogacy, almost all professionals will require that you fall within a certain BMI range in order to become a surrogate. This may seem like an insensitive requirement, but, like most rules, they’re there for an important reason.

Here’s what you should know about the BMI requirements for surrogates:

Why is a Surrogate’s BMI Important?

There are a number of reasons why a woman’s BMI is important to her eligibility as a surrogate.

  • A higher BMI has been associated with preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, pregnancy hypertension, an increased rate of cesarean section, postpartum hemorrhage and other pregnancy complications.
  • A higher BMI has been linked to complications with the baby after the birth.
  • A too-low BMI has been associated with an increased risk for preterm delivery and small-for-gestational-age (SGA) babies.
  • A too-high or too-low BMI takes longer for you to become pregnant — about twice as long if you have a higher BMI versus a healthy BMI. With surrogacy, time is literally money for the intended parents, because it means more embryo transfers.

These requirements can be frustrating for healthy women who don’t seem themselves as “malnourished” or “obese,” as the BMI index may label them, or who fall outside the required range for surrogates.

However, your BMI when you’re trying to become pregnant can directly affect your health and safety, the baby’s safety and the legal safety of the intended parents you’re hoping to help. By applying to become a surrogate, it can be assumed that you’re an incredibly loving and generous person who wants to help others. If you don’t meet the health requirements, you could put yourself and others at physical, emotional, financial or legal risk. So, to minimize the possibility of these risks as much as they can, surrogacy professionals establish rigorous health requirements for surrogates, like BMI.

What is the Typical BMI Requirement that a Surrogate Must Meet?

These can vary slightly from one surrogacy professional to the next. At American Surrogacy, we work with women who have a BMI of 19 to 32, based on the fertility clinic’s recommendations. This is what health professionals have determined to be a healthy BMI range for adults, so most surrogacy professionals stay within that range fairly closely.

Remember that the BMI requirement is just one of many requirements that prospective surrogates must meet. There are also emotional, legal and other health requirements that you’ll need to complete, which can vary slightly depending on the state you live in and the surrogacy professional you work with.

If you’re not sure if you meet the BMI requirements to become a surrogate, ask your surrogacy professional.

What Happens if a Surrogate Doesn’t Quite Meet the BMI Requirement?

While most of the health requirements are pretty strict for a very good reason, the BMI requirements may be a little more flexible, depending on the clinic you’re working with and your individual situation.

Many surrogacy agencies are adamant about their BMI requirements, but if you’re close to the target range, we tend to evaluate things on a case-by-case basis and will simply prioritize overall health.

American Surrogacy may work with women who have a BMI as high as 35, as long as the surrogate is in good health, meets the other requirements and her fertility clinic approves her. If her BMI is high, we usually ask that the surrogate start working to safely bring down her weight before she becomes pregnant, so that we can minimize health risks wherever possible.

So, if you’re close to the required BMI range for surrogacy but aren’t quite in the target range, don’t panic. Talk to an American Surrogacy specialist at 1-800-875-2229 to see if you’d still qualify to become a surrogate, and talk to your doctor about creating a health plan to help get you closer to the ideal BMI range.

What You Need to Know Endometriosis Awareness Month

Throughout the month of March, a spotlight is placed on the biggest cause of infertility in women: endometriosis. Not only does endometriosis affect a woman’s ability to carry a child, it’s an extremely painful disease that can be debilitating in many ways. Endometriosis, however, is still widely misunderstood and dismissed by many.

Join American Surrogacy in taking part in Endometriosis Awareness Month!

What You Need to Know About Endometriosis

If you know someone who deals with this condition, or if you think you may have endometriosis, here’s what you should know:

  • Endometriosis is a chronic inflammatory condition that can affect the uterus, pelvic peritoneum, ovaries, recto-vaginal septum, bladder and bowel.
  • Symptoms are usually very painful, and can include pain during periods, ovulation, during or after sex; persistent pelvic pain; chronic fatigue; heavy bleeding; and infertility.
  • This condition affects about 1 in 10 women during their reproductive years (approximately 176 million worldwide).
  • Endometriosis symptoms can occur as early as a first period, but menopause may not end the symptoms, especially if scar tissue or adhesions have accumulated as a result of the disease.
  • Surgery is the only option for removing endometriosis lesions and scar tissue, although success rates can vary.
  • There are treatments to help with endometriosis, but there is no known cure.
  • There is no known cause for endometriosis, although genetic predisposition currently seems to be the most consistent factor.

Who Endometriosis Affects and How it Affects Them

Because this is an unfortunately common condition, you or someone you love is likely directly affected. Here’s how lives are changed by endometriosis:

  • Intimate relationships can be a source of physical pain for women who suffer from endometriosis, which can be frustrating and emotionally alienating for both partners.
  • Some women who suffer from endometriosis may grieve aspects of their femininity, as a woman’s menstrual cycle, sexual health and ability to carry children is often part of her self-formed identity.
  • Sufferers often have to spend a lot of time at home, missing work, school or important events due to painful symptoms.
  • In some cases, endometriosis can cause infertility, which primarily affects the woman with the condition but can also affect her spouse or partner and her family.
  • Many people don’t understand the condition, believing endometriosis to be merely “a difficult period,” and women who suffer from the disease are left feeling belittled and having their symptoms dismissed by friends, family, doctors or employers.

How You Can Help Raise Awareness This March (and All Year Long)

Whether you suffer from endometriosis yourself or you want to help raise awareness on behalf of someone you love, Endometriosis Awareness Month is a great time to start. Here’s what you can do this March to spread the word:

Even just sharing facts about endometriosis with others throughout the month of March on social media can reach a surprising number of people. Here are the social media accounts of a few good resources to use (be sure to check out their full websites, too):

What Surrogacy Has to Do With Endometriosis

So, what does American Surrogacy have to do with endometriosis? A number of intended parents choose surrogacy as their way to have a family following a struggle with endometriosis and/or infertility as a result of the disease. For those who are ready to pursue different family-building methods after receiving a diagnosis of infertility, surrogacy can be an amazing way to have the family that they’d always dreamed of. Other families choose to pursue adoption through our sister agency, American Adoptions.

However you decide to have a family, American Surrogacy and American Adoptions supports those who are affected by this condition and joins you in your mission to improve public knowledge throughout Endometriosis Awareness Month and beyond.

Being a Surrogate While Your Spouse is Away

As long as you meet the requirements, you can choose to be a surrogate regardless of your marital status. You can also be a surrogate while your spouse or partner is away for deployment, work, school or for any other reason.

There are a lot of reasons why you might be considering becoming a surrogate and why becoming a surrogate now feels right for you and your family. But, you probably also have quite a few questions and some uncertainties. We can always help you there.

Here are some of the most common questions that women who are considering becoming surrogates while their spouses or partners are away have asked:

Who Might Be a Surrogate With an Absent Spouse?

Women who aren’t married can certainly become surrogates as long as they meet the necessary requirements, but there are also many married women who choose to become surrogates while their spouse or partner is away for an extended period of time. These prospective surrogates have included women whose spouses or partners:

  • are in the military and are away for deployment or basic training
  • travel often as part of their job
  • are incarcerated
  • are away for school or studying abroad
  • or are otherwise gone for part of, or the duration of, the surrogate pregnancy.

As long as you meet the requirements to become a surrogate established by your state and American Surrogacy, becoming a surrogate may be an option for you.

Why is This a Common Trend for Surrogates?

Becoming a surrogate when your spouse is away for deployment is a fairly common occurrence. Why?

A woman’s reasons for becoming a surrogate are unique and vary from one person to the next. Similarly, every couple’s situation is different when one of them is away. But, there may be a few reasons why this is such a popular option for committed couples:

  • If you and your spouse move around a lot, it can be hard to put down roots in the community, but surrogacy gives you an opportunity to feel like you’re giving back regardless of where you live.
  • Compensation for surrogacy is legal in most states, so for many women and their families, it can be a nice financial boost while one provider is away.
  • If you and your spouse travel but you don’t have a career outside the home, surrogacy gives you a fulfilling way to spend your time doing something that’s your own, in addition to being meaningful to you and someone else.
  • The surrogacy process for most surrogates takes roughly a year, which is a short enough commitment that you wouldn’t be locked into something that you couldn’t move away from but is long enough to keep your mind occupied if you worry about your spouse while they’re away, such as if they’re deployed.

There are plenty of reasons why you might be inspired to be a surrogate for someone and plenty of reasons why you might decide to begin this process while your spouse is away. American Surrogacy will support you through that process.

What’s Different About the Surrogacy Process without the Surrogate’s Spouse/Partner?

Very little is different. There are really only three differences of note that may affect you.

Legally, a surrogate’s spouse or partner must sign their consent to her surrogacy decision in some states. Not because you need your spouse’s permission, but because they would need to acknowledge that they have no legal parental rights to the intended parents’ baby; in some states the surrogate and her husband would be legally presumed to be the parents even if they’re not biologically related to the baby. Your surrogacy attorney would be able to tell you whether or not this step would be applicable in your situation, as every legal case is different.

Emotionally, becoming a surrogate without your spouse or partner can be difficult. As you know, pregnancy can be mentally and emotionally exhausting in addition to the physical strain. Not having your primary source of emotional support there with you during a pregnancy, even though it’s not your own baby, can be tough. However, you won’t be alone. In addition to the support system that you have with family and friends, you’ll also have the intended parents and your American Surrogacy specialist to lean on.

Financially, health care coverage is a concern for some women whose spouses are away, particular for women who are part of a military family. This is because some military insurance providers won’t cover the medical costs of a surrogate pregnancy if they find out that you’re pregnant for someone else rather than for yourself. This is something that you’d need to consult with an American Surrogacy specialist about. While our specialists make sure surrogates are never left with any medical costs, insurance policies can complicate matters, and it’s important to be aware of them as early as possible.

Would I Be a Good Surrogate?

Ultimately, that’s up to you. If you meet the requirements of your state as well as your surrogacy professional, then you’re certainly eligible. Of course, that’s not the only consideration you’re probably taking into account.

Ask yourself a few more questions that might be specific to your situation, like:

  • Am I ready for a surrogate pregnancy without my spouse/partner present?
  • Do I have some friends or family who can help me out as my surrogate pregnancy progresses if I need them (emotionally or for practical everyday things)?
  • Can I handle raising kids alone, as well as the commitment of being a surrogate?

It’s not only possible for a woman to become a surrogate while her spouse or partner is away, it’s actually quite common. If you think you might be interested in being a surrogate, you may find talking to other women who have been surrogates while their spouses were gone a helpful resource. You can also talk to a specialist at American Surrogacy for free if you have any questions or if you’d like to begin the process. Call 1-800-875-BABY(2229) today to get started.

How to Get Excited About a Surrogate Pregnancy

When you’re an intended parent, the confirmation that your surrogate is pregnant should be exciting news. This is, after all, your baby — the ultimate goal of the whole process. You may, however, find it difficult to fully take joy in the pregnancy. Sometimes it can be difficult to identify why you’re having a hard time getting excited about such an exciting thing.

Here are four steps to getting you on the path to greater emotional investment in your surrogate pregnancy and to being able to enjoy the experience:

Step 1: Address Infertility-Related Grief

If you’ve experienced infertility, miscarriage, or pregnancy loss, you’ll need to fully grieve those losses before starting your family-building process. Even then, those old emotions can pop back up throughout your surrogate pregnancy, making it hard for you to get excited. Some of the common grief-related experiences that you may have include:

  • Wanting to emotionally distance yourself from your surrogate or the pregnancy for fear of the pain of another pregnancy loss
  • Constantly worrying about what your surrogate is doing that could trigger a miscarriage or other harmful development
  • Re-experiencing grief that you were physically unable to conceive or carry your baby as you watch your surrogate’s pregnancy progress
  • Fearing that you won’t love a surrogacy-born baby as much as a baby you carried yourself

Grief is never easy to shake, and we tend to re-experience it when we least want to. If your emotions about infertility or pregnancy loss are standing in the way of you enjoying your surrogate pregnancy, you owe it to yourself and your surrogate to try to address those emotions so you can experience the excitement you deserve. Talking to a counselor or therapist, your spouse, religious advisor and/or surrogacy professional may help.

Step 2: Let Go of the Need to Control

When so much is out of your hands, feeling in control of even small things can bring a sense of comfort. The feeling of a lack of control can make it hard for you to get excited about a surrogate pregnancy. Some common experiences that waiting parents have are:

  • Worrying about what their surrogate is eating, what medications she’s taking or other factors beyond their control instead of enjoying their surrogate’s pregnancy
  • Trying to micromanage their surrogacy professionals rather than connecting with their surrogate and getting excited about their baby
  • Overburdening themselves with planning baby showers, designing the nursery, or throwing themselves into work instead of acknowledging the emotional realities of the pregnancy

Sometimes it can be helpful to control whatever small things we can, especially when major things are not under our control. In other situations, trying to control details can be harmful. For example, micromanaging your surrogate or your surrogacy professional won’t help anyone, and it’ll only emotionally distance yourself from truly enjoying the experience of a surrogate pregnancy.

Do your best to relax and to embrace the unknown as much as you can. Talking to former intended parents may help soothe some of your anxieties about this.

Step 3: Connect with Your Surrogate

There are a lot of emotions at play that can leave you feeling a little reluctant or nervous to talk to your surrogate about her pregnancy. Some common irritations that intended parents have that may hinder excitement about the pregnancy include:

  • Jealousy toward the surrogate for being able to carry their baby
  • Not being able to experience her physical sensations of pregnancy and feeling a sense of disconnect
  • Physical distance in a long-distance surrogacy match that makes it hard for them to feel emotionally connected to their surrogate and their baby
  • Fearing that they’re bothering their surrogate

It’s important to prioritize your relationship with your surrogate. Not every surrogate and her intended parents are going to be best friends, and that’s perfectly fine. But getting to know your surrogate as a person and not just as “your surrogate” will help you feel more invested if you’re feeling a little disconnected right now.

Try to spend some time together, when she’s available. Even if you have a long-distance surrogacy match, try to talk on the phone or video chat. Talking to her about her pregnancy is a great way to build your own excitement about her experiences, but talking to her about her family, her interests and more will help you to build an overall stronger connection.

Step 4: Spend Time with Your Loved Ones

The surrogacy process is time-consuming and can be emotionally exhausting. Sometimes relationships can feel the strain of this. But the people you’re closest to aren’t just your best source of emotional support — they’ll also help you to get excited about your surrogate pregnancy.

Some of these common feelings that waiting parents experience might make it hard for you to get excited about the pregnancy:

  • Feeling out-of-sync with your spouse or partner, who may be more (or less) excited than you are about the pregnancy
  • Frustrations with friends or family who have very different emotional responses to the pregnancy than your own current feelings
  • Emotional exhaustion from talking about the pregnancy and surrogacy process so often with well-meaning friends, family or coworkers

This can be a great opportunity to spend some quality time with your spouse or partner, as well as your older kids, if you have children. After all, these are the last few months you’ll have together before the welcome chaos of a new family member. Take some time to go on a small weekend trip together, go to the movies, or even just spend time doing the normal, non-surrogacy-related things you love doing.

The surrogacy experience can be an emotional time, and spouses can process their feelings in different ways. Spending time together to talk, reconnect and focus on your relationship will benefit everyone, and you can get one another more excited about your baby’s upcoming arrival in the process.

If you’re having a hard time getting excited about your surrogate pregnancy, try not to feel frustrated. Instead, try to identify why you might be struggling to enjoy the pregnancy and work to build an emotional connection to the experience. Pregnancy is an exciting time, and surrogacy is uniquely wonderful. You deserve to enjoy all the emotions that come with it.

How Long Are Your Surrogate Medical Bills Covered?

Some prospective surrogates worry that once the baby is born, they’ll be saddled with part of the bill. Know this: When you’re a surrogate, your pregnancy costs are always covered. Your postpartum health care is also covered, so the only thing you’ll be responsible for after delivery is getting back on your feet.

Here are some of the most common questions and concerns surrogates have about their postpartum expenses, as well as the answers to those questions:

Who Is Responsible for the Surrogate’s Medical Costs Once the Baby is Born?

Generally, when it comes to surrogacy, any cost that’s related to the pregnancy is the responsibility of the intended parents. This will include your postpartum pregnancy-related care.

The intended parents will have money in escrow, which can be used for up to six months of postpartum payments for things such as pregnancy-related medical expenses. So, you can know you’ll be safely covered for six months.

These specifics will all be carefully discussed in detail in your surrogacy contract, so you’ll have financial protection and everyone involved knows what to expect after the baby is born.

How Does Insurance Work?

Although it would make things simpler, the intended parents’ health insurance rarely covers any medical treatments for surrogates. Usually, this is because you are the one who’s pregnant — not the policy-holder (the intended parents).

Along with the costs of your pregnancy, your health insurance may cover some or all of your postpartum health care costs. This all depends on your insurance plan and your postpartum needs. If there are out-of-pocket costs or other health care expenses that your insurance won’t cover, the intended parents will cover these costs.

Your individual insurance coverage is something that’s taken into consideration when creating your surrogacy contract and working out finances with your intended parents. Your surrogacy professionals will be able to help you navigate this, so that your insurance can carry the costs whenever possible.

Whenever there’s an out-of-pocket cost like a co-pay at the doctor’s office, you will likely need to pay that up front. You will then  be reimbursed for any of these costs through the aforementioned escrow account.

Bottom line — we’re here to make sure that you don’t pay for the pregnancy you’re carrying for someone else.

What Does Postpartum Recovery Usually Include?

Every pregnancy is different, so one woman’s postpartum health care needs will be different from another woman’s. If your past pregnancies have been pretty consistent, then you may know what to expect during your postpartum recovery and what your recovery needs may cost.

If the postpartum phases of your previous pregnancies have been more varied, here’s what you can usually expect after the average healthy pregnancy and complication-free vaginal delivery:

  • Your doctor will ask you to come in for a postpartum follow-up appointment, typically two to six weeks after your delivery, to make sure you’re physically and emotionally well.
  • Your doctor may recommend that you have a pap smear, typically six weeks after your delivery.

If you have any complications with your pregnancy — such as a cesarean section, hemorrhaging, or other medical issues — you’ll have more appointments with your doctor as needed to check on any sutures or bleeding and to monitor your overall healing.

Because your recovery needs will depend on your body, the time that it takes for you to recover and the costs of your postpartum care (as well as what your insurance will cover) will vary.

How Much Does Postpartum Care Cost?

Again, everyone’s postpartum recovery is going to be a little different. Your past pregnancies may be a good indicator of how long it’ll take for you to recover and what the costs may be like for your intended parents.

The best way for you to get a rough estimate of what your insurance will cover and what the intended parents will be responsible for is by contacting your insurance provider. You’ve probably done this before with your past pregnancies, but if you’re not sure what specific questions to ask your insurance provider, especially for a surrogacy situation, you can talk about it with your American Surrogacy specialist first. They’ll be able to offer you some tips.

As tiresome as handling health insurance always is, there are two key takeaways to keep in mind:

  1. Your American Surrogacy specialist is always there if you have any questions or if you need help figuring out health insurance and sorting out finances as you prepare for the surrogacy process.
  1. Surrogates are never presumed responsible for the pregnancy-related expenses in surrogacy. The intended parents are presumed responsible for whatever your insurance won’t cover, and your surrogacy contract will be designed to reflect that, so that you won’t have to pay for things like postpartum health expenses.

If you have any more questions about how the coverage of your medical costs works in surrogacy, call an American Surrogacy specialist now at 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

Getting a Social Security Card for Your Surro-Born Baby

Anyone who’s ever applied for a new driver’s license, a passport, birth certificate or other government-issued document knows that bureaucratic processes can be painfully slow, there are sometimes mistakes, and the application process itself can seem unnecessarily confusing. When you add a surrogacy-born baby into the equation, there are even more opportunities for snags.

Fortunately, things usually go pretty smoothly for new parents via surrogacy, but it always helps to be prepared.

Here’s what you need to know about getting your baby’s Social Security card as an intended parent:

Gather What You’ll Need

You’ll need a series of documents to verify your identity as well as the details of your baby’s birth. Sometimes, if you run into an issue for whatever reason, someone at the Social Security Administration may want additional documentation from you. Typically, you’ll at least need these:

According to the Social Security Administration, all documents “must be either originals or copies certified by the issuing agency.” They can’t accept “photocopies or notarized copies of documents.”

Fill Out the Standard Social Security Card Application

Next, print and fill out the application for your baby’s Social Security card. This is the same process for any parent, but if you have questions about the form, don’t hesitate to call your surrogacy professional.

The Social Security Administration has a guide for parents who are applying for their child’s Social Security number, which you’ll probably find helpful. You’ll likely find some answers to your questions there, so be sure to read through that before you begin.

Mail or Hand-Deliver the Application

In surrogacy situations, it’s sometimes just best to go into the office yourself if there’s a location nearby. If not, mailing your application is fine.

The benefit of hand-delivering the application is being able to show an employee the required documents and have them (hopefully) be able to tell you whether or not there’s anything else you might need as a parent of a child born via surrogacy. Mailing the application will take a little longer, of course, but again, this option works just fine.

After You Receive Your Child’s Social Security Card

Once you get it, it’s possible to get a replacement, but it’s a pain. Store your important documents like Social Security cards, birth certificates and more in a locked, waterproof, fireproof home document safe or a security deposit box at your bank.

Remember to leave the card unsigned. Your child will sign it when they get their first job or when they turn 18, whichever happens first. Pretty exciting, right?

FAQs about Obtaining a Social Security Card for Surro-Babies

The Social Security Administration website has answers to most general questions, but here are a few of those that are most commonly asked by intended parents:

“The hospital offered us the ability to sign up for Newborn Automatic Number Assignment (NANA). Should we do that?”

No. This almost always automatically links your child’s newly issued Social Security number to your surrogate, and this is extremely difficult to reverse. Just apply for your child’s SS number/card after he or she is born rather than opting for the hospital’s automated route.

“When can I apply for my baby’s SSN?”

That depends — usually, once you receive his or her birth certificate. Depending on what state you live in, getting the birth certificate can take a few weeks. You’ll need either that or your baby’s hospital record to apply for his or her SSN.

Because some surrogacy situations will involve an amended birth certificate, it’s best to wait for the amended version of the birth certificate (if applicable in your case) before you apply for your baby’s SSN. Again, how long it’ll take for you to receive that amended birth certificate will largely depend on the state you live in. Your surrogacy attorney can give you advice based on your state laws and individual circumstances, so contact them if you have questions.

“Is there a fee?”

No. There’s never a fee for a SSN/card.

“My friends had a baby through surrogacy and they didn’t need a certain document, but someone at the Social Security office said I did — what’s the difference?”

None, really. Unfortunately, there’s not a truly standardized process for birth certificates and SSNs, mostly because of variance in state laws. Additionally, your local Social Security office may do things a little differently. Someone different might be working that day. The hospital where your baby was born may have sent them the wrong information.

There are a lot of variables involved. It can be frustrating, but stay in touch with the Social Security office, stay flexible and try to stay patient.

“How and when will I receive the card?”

You will receive your child’s number and card by mail or by pick-up at your local Social Security office. This can take several weeks depending on where you live. If you haven’t received anything in a month, go to the nearest Social Security office in person, or give them a call to see if there were complications with your processing.

You can always reach out to your American Surrogacy specialist if you have any questions about how to get a Social Security card for your baby born via surrogacy by calling us at 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

Should I Go Independent to Save My Intended Parents Money?

You probably really like your intended parents. We certainly hope so, anyway! You’re rooting for them. You know the surrogacy process can be expensive and — because you’re becoming a surrogate, we know you’re an empathetic and generous person — so you likely want to help the intended parents out in whatever way you can.

But will skipping the surrogacy agency route to save your intended parents money help or hurt you both? Here’s an honest look:

The Pros of Going Independent with Your Intended Parents

Pursuing surrogacy independently means that you’re not working with an agency. This is also sometimes called “private surrogacy.” You would still work with attorneys and medical professionals, so you’re not truly independent, but you’d be cutting out the agency that usually coordinates with those professionals on your behalf. In that sense, going independent is sort of like DIY-ing your wedding versus working with a wedding planner. Is it the right route for you?

Here are some of the benefits of going independent:

  • It may save your intended parents money, because they won’t have to pay any agency fees, although there will still be costs associated with medical and legal expenses and the professionals who handle those procedures.
  • It can give intended parents greater control over the process, as they’ll be responsible for overseeing and planning everything.
  • If you and your intended parents already have experience with surrogacy, you might not need guidance from a professional.

Who should pursue surrogacy independently?

  • Intended parent-surrogate partnerships that are already matched, know and trust each other
  • People who have extensive experience with the surrogacy process in their state
  • People who are prepared to coordinate all of the necessary services with the required professionals and who fully understand the risks and responsibilities of doing so on their own

The Cons of Going Independent with Your Intended Parents

Wanting to save your intended parents some money is a noble thought, but going independent may not actually be helpful to either of you. Not only would you both be missing out on important services, but everyone involved could be put at risk without the protection of an agency. Ultimately, what agencies do is protect intended parents and surrogates.

Here are some of the drawbacks of going independent:

  • You and the intended parents would be responsible for: coordinating with lawyers, fertility clinics; talking about tough topics like finances and potential pregnancy situations such selective reduction or termination; and more.
  • Screening, counseling and case management services that agencies provide might seem less important than the bare-bones legal and medical services, but surrogacy situations that didn’t have those safety measures are where surrogacy horror stories like unenforced contracts or the intended parents not accepting the baby come from. Counseling and case management ensures that both parties are communicating well, adhering to the agreement and considering both sides of situation.
  • Agencies have experience partnering with reputable legal and medical professionals, as well as navigating the surrogacy processes of various states. If you pursue surrogacy independently, you can’t take advantage of an agency’s connection to high-quality attorneys and fertility clinics and their ability to coordinate easily with those providers to get you through your surrogacy process smoothly, safely and quickly.

Who should pursue surrogacy with an agency?

  • People who don’t already have a match and want to find a surrogate or intended parent(s) who is safe and who shares their goals for a surrogacy experience
  • People who don’t have much experience with surrogacy and who want the guidance and protection of a professional
  • People who would feel more comfortable having an experienced professional coordinate the necessary processes on their behalf, facilitate communication with other professionals and provide all the services needed to complete the surrogacy process in full

The Takeaway

When you go interdependent, there is no guarantee the intended parents will actually be saving money, and you could all be put at an increased amount of risk. Your relationship with the intended parents could be jeopardized without proper counseling throughout the process and you could all be legally endangered if you don’t understand the complex surrogacy processes of your state from the very start.

Remember that skipping an agency doesn’t mean that surrogacy is free, either. There are still legal and medical expenses that’ll need to be paid, but without an agency, there’s no one to advise your intended parents about ways to minimize those costs or about how to avoid working with fraudulent legal and medical professionals. You would be cutting out the fees paid to an agency, but the other costs can add up for your intended parents. Remember: Even if you work with a surrogacy agency, you, as a surrogate, will never be expected to pay for any of your surrogacy journey.

In most situations, surrogates and intended parents are advised to work with an experienced surrogacy agency for everyone’s protection. This is even true (and sometimes especially so) in identified surrogacy situations where you’re very close to the intended parents, such as when you’re becoming a surrogate for close friends or family members. An agency will provide you both with the counseling necessary to make sure your relationship with the intended parents will be just as good, if not closer, than before you started your surrogacy journey together.

If you’re interested in learning more about working with a surrogacy agency, contact American Surrogacy now at 1-800-875-2229 for free information. You and the intended parents can ask questions and decide if going through an agency is what’s safest for you.