There’s something special about those first moments that you spend with your baby —their laugh, their smile, and all the little things that make them so unique. We know that you’ll want to soak up as much time as you can with your little one. But there’s one small thing to worry about: getting time off from your job.

Every parent deserves to have time to bond with their child after birth. If you’re an intended parent, you’re probably wondering if surrogacy is included in your employer’s  parental leave policy. You might even be worried about how to broach the subject with them in the first place or about how they will react.

These fears are common, but there is some important information you should know to put your mind at ease.

What Kind of Benefits Can Intended Parents Receive?

Both surrogates and intended parents can receive FMLA, also known as the Family and Medical Leave Act. This protection includes 12 weeks of unpaid leave for various reasons, including the birth of a child. However, please keep in mind that FMLA does not include paid leave. It also comes with certain restrictions. For example, only covered employers offer FMLA. Employees are also required to work a certain length of time before they’re able to receive it.

Before taking leave, please check with your employer or HR to understand all of their policies. Ultimately, it will be up to your employer to decide whether or not you can receive leave.

You can also take this time to see if your employer offers paid parental leave, if any. If that option isn’t available, you might have to work out a flexible schedule with your spouse that includes working from home or working part-time.

Don’t forget to ask your employer what kind of options are available and to create a plan with them before leaving.

How to Talk to Your Boss

At some point, you’ll need to tell your boss about your surrogacy journey. Depending on your employer, you may or may not be the first employee to share  surrogacy news  — so they might not know what to expect.

Below, you’ll find some tips for navigating this conversation:

• Talk to them early: It’s important to specify when you plan to take leave, so that your employer can plan ahead. If you don’t give them enough heads up, they might not be able to help as much. Or, even worse, you might find that you’re already scheduled for that time off. It never hurts to be early, but it can hurt to start too late, so plan ahead.
• Try to talk face-to-face: This is the best way to have a conversation with your employer. Try to plan for when they’re free and set some time aside to talk about your parental leave plan. This is also a good time to go over what arrangements are available to parents pursuing surrogacy.
• Determine what your maternity leave will look like: Some parents decide to take the whole 12 weeks of FMLA available to them, while others need less. Read through your employee handbook to see what your company’s policy is regarding maternal and paternal leave.

Keep in mind that, for many, surrogacy is still a relatively new concept. There are some employers who won’t be understanding if an intended parent asks for leave. Unfortunately, this means that intended parents could face some challenges in the workplace.

If this turns out to be the case, or your workplace doesn’t offer arrangements for parents pursuing surrogacy, you might be at a loss wondering what to do next. If you face any discrimination at all, don’t be afraid to get HR or a lawyer involved to advocate on your behalf. It might even be a good idea to talk to them first for some more tips.

Remember: You deserve to have as much time as any other parent to bond with your baby.

What’s Next?

Navigating parental leave as an intended parent can be confusing, but we’re here to help. If you have any other questions about parental leave as an intended parent, don’t hesitate to reach out to your surrogacy specialist for more information.

Gay individuals and same-sex couples are subjected to plenty of weird and invasive questions and comments. For some reason, you’re often seen as the ambassador for all things LGBTQ+.

Now that you’re beginning the surrogacy process, you’ll likely start receiving the “gay surrogacy” questions and comments, too.

This can be extra irritating when you’re setting out on one of the most important journeys of your lives — becoming parents! Instead of everyone’s focus being on that exciting news, you may find yourself answering the same insensitive questions over and over. It can be frustrating, but remember that you are not alone.

To help you prepare, here are five things same-sex intended parents are sick of hearing:

1. “Is the surrogate the mother?” “Who was the father?”

The biggest difference between opposite- and same-sex couples pursuing surrogacy is that same-sex couples need a gamete donor. That’ll be pretty obvious to anyone who hears your good news. So, naturally, they’ll be curious. But there’s a lot to explain when you get this question.

First, a gestational surrogate isn’t the biological mother. She’s just an amazing person who is willing to carry someone else’s baby! Second, even if the donor is known, that information isn’t always going to be shared, largely for privacy reasons. Third, and most importantly, the people who are up all night with their crying baby, who give out kisses and time-outs — they are the only parents that matter, regardless of biological ties.

2. “Which of you is the biological mom/dad?”

Again, because the need for a donor is fairly obvious, people are often overly-focused on biological ties. It’s usually what they’re most familiar with. But the answer is always, “Both of us are the mom/dad.”

The two of you love your child equally, regardless of genetics. This question is frustrating because it places emphasis on blood over love, which, as you know, is an outdated way of defining “family.”

3. “So, who is ‘the dad’ and who is ‘the mom’ in your family?”

Get out of here with your weird gender roles, OK? It’s concerning that people have this image of “the male role” and “the female role” in LGBT relationships — and even in opposite-sex relationships! That’s an unhealthy construct for any family.

Besides all that, you and your partner are both equally “the mom” and “the dad,” if that’s what people need to call it. You’ll both take care of your children, love and nurture them, and you’ll both work to make sure your family is provided for. That’s just what good parents do.

4. “What will your child call you?”

Having two dads or two moms means you don’t have opposite-sex parent names of “Mom and Dad,” and people quickly realize this. So, they’ll want to know how your child won’t get confused — as if kids can’t tell the difference between his or her parents somehow.

Whether you’re a “Dad and Papa” kind of family, or you’re both “Mommy,” your child won’t care what you’re called — you’ll both be their favorite people in the world.

5. “I’m so glad you’re finally getting a baby.”

Whether through adoption or surrogacy, same-sex couples are often congratulated on “getting” a baby, not “having” a baby — as if a baby was something easily and casually picked up at the store instead of painfully fought for.

Additionally, the phrase “getting” a baby depersonalizes the whole process. It makes it sound as if the baby isn’t yours — which, again, whether through adoption or surrogacy, your child is always “yours” — because you’re the ones who will love and raise him or her for life. You’re not babysitting; you’re becoming a parent. That deserves all the celebration and respect that opposite-sex couples who are able to biologically have children receive.

What are some of the things people have said to you and your spouse during the surrogacy process as an LGBT family? Let us know in the comments!

Surrogates and intended parents form a special bond during the surrogacy process, one that will last a lifetime. Naturally, every intended parent wants to find the best way to express their feelings and heartfelt appreciation. After all, a surrogate spends all of her time and energy to give you the greatest gift of all: the chance to become a parent.

It’s important to show your surrogate how much her decision, and your relationship, means to you — and a thoughtful gift is the perfect way to do that! But, there’s probably one question on your mind: “What exactly is the perfect gift for our surrogate?”

There aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to gift-giving during your surrogate’s pregnancy. So, don’t be afraid to think outside of the box. You also shouldn’t feel pressured to give a certain amount that you’re not comfortable with. With any present, the most important qualities are thoughtfulness and sincerity. If you have those, then we know that your surrogate will love whatever you pick.

Below, you’ll find five of our suggestions for gift ideas.

1. Start Your Search Online

There are plenty of great places, like Etsy.com, where you can easily find surrogacy-themed gifts. There’s so much to look at on this site that you might even have a hard time narrowing down your options. Shirts, mugs, and handmade cards are just some of the few great ideas that you might decide to go with.

If you’re thinking about going the extra mile, you could also get a piece of jewelry engraved from stores that specialize in personalization like Things Remembered.  A personalized gift is a great way to give your surrogate something that she’ll cherish for a lifetime.

2. Personalized Gift Boxes

Gift boxes and baskets aren’t exclusive to the holidays. A basketful of surprises tailored especially for your surrogate could be just what she needs after a stressful day. You could either look for a curated one online, or you could pick out the items yourself. Think about where she’s at in her pregnancy while you’re looking for the right items. For example, a heating pad, pregnancy pillows and a book she’s been dying to read are the perfect way to pamper her after a long, stressful day. If you know your way around a kitchen, you could add some delicious homemade sweets to the box, including what she’s craving, too.

3. Delivery!

Who wouldn’t be happy with a surprise delivered to their front door? A delivery gift can help take some of the stress off of your surrogate’s shoulders. A handpicked bouquet with some of her favorite flowers would be the perfect pick-me-up after a stressful day. You can also take advantage of meal kit delivery services from companies like Blue Apron or HelloFresh. This way, your surrogate won’t have to worry about meal prepping on top of everything else. A fruit basket, like one from Edible Arrangements, can also be a great way to add some fun colors to their home. Of course, any surprise delivery can make your surrogate’s day, so don’t be afraid to try out any other ideas you have.

4. Gift Cards

Gifts cards are the perfect way to let your surrogate treat herself! Massages to help her relax and relieve some stress, a movie night, a mani-pedi, or a night out at her favorite restaurant are all great options. If your surrogate is looking for some new maternity clothes or other pregnancy-related items, you could also give her a gift card to her favorite store. Remember that any amount you give, even if it’s not a large amount, is a great way to make her feel special.

5. Handmade Gifts

If you’re thinking of taking a page out of Etsy’s book, you might make your own handmade gift. Not everything has to cost money, and it will mean so much more to your surrogate for her to know that you made it yourself. A hand-knitted scarf, quilt, or a blanket are just a few of the great ways to show your surrogate how much you’re thinking of her. You could even make themed items for Christmas and Halloween! When your surrogate holds your gift, she’ll always remember how much thought and care you put into making it special. This is a great opportunity to get creative and make something memorable that will last for years to come.

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If you’ve found something that you think your surrogate will really like, go for it! As long as it’s something that you picked out from the heart, we’re sure that she’ll love it. Knowing that you’ve been thinking of her during their pregnancy will mean more than you know.

Don’t forget that you can also reach out to your surrogacy specialist if you’re having trouble picking out the perfect gift. Happy searching!

When your child’s peers hear his or her surrogacy story for the first time, there are bound to be some questions. This may be the first time many of them have ever heard of surrogacy or even of families being created in a different way from what they’re used to.

The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about surrogacy often enough at home that he or she will have plenty to draw from when asked questions. Giving them the tools and terms they need to answer questions honestly and simply will satisfy curious kids and keep your own kid from feeling the heat of the spotlight.

Here are eight commonly asked questions from kids and some responses you can use to help your child prepare:

1. “What’s a surrogate?”

Explaining surrogacy to children for the first time always seems tough, but it can be done! The answer can be adjusted to suit your family dynamic, but keeping the answer short and simple is usually best. Suggest something along the lines of:

“When two people aren’t able to have a baby together, a surrogate carries the parents’ baby for them in her tummy until the baby is born.”

2. “Do you know who your surrogate is? Do you know your egg/sperm donor?”

If you used donors, other kids may be curious if your child knows their identity as well as the surrogate’s. Answer honestly for your family’s situation.

“Yes, I know my surrogate. Her name is (First Name). I don’t know my sperm donor, but that’s okay.”

3. “Is your surrogate your ‘real mom’?”

Like adoptees, kids born via surrogate will likely get the “real parents” questions, and they’ll be preoccupied with biological connections. So, teach kids the correct terminology:

“My mom is a ‘real mom.’ I have an egg donor that I’m biologically related to. Ellen, my surrogate, isn’t related to me — she just carried me until I was born because my mom wasn’t able to. I know that’s a lot of people, but my mom is my only mom.”

4. “Are you related to your brother/sister?”

Again, kids will be hung up on “blood” connections, because it’s what they’re familiar with and they’re trying to put it in a context they understand. However, it’s important that they understand that biological ties are less important than family ties.

“My brother and I are both biologically related to our mom and dad, but even if one of us wasn’t, he’d still be my brother.”

5. “How did your parents make a baby with your surrogate, then?”

Sometimes, even younger kids will have a very basic understanding of how babies are made. When a surrogate is added to the mix, it’s understandably confusing, because they don’t know anything about IVF or embryo transfers. So keep it simple, and adjust it for your family:

“Doctors took a little bit of my mom and a little bit of my dad, and it became a baby. Then they put the tiny baby inside of a surrogate, so she could carry the baby until it was ready to be born.”

6.“Why did your surrogate give you away?”

It’s hard for kids to wrap their heads around the idea that the person who gave birth to your child was not your child’s mom, in any way. Reassure them:

“She gave me back to my dads — she was just helping them for a little while by carrying me because they couldn’t do it themselves. Like a babysitter. After I was born, she went home to take care of her own kids, and my dads took me back home to take care of me.”

7. “Isn’t that just like adoption?”

If children have an understanding of adoption, you can see where they’d notice similarities. Talking about adoption with your child is important, so they can explain other types of “alternative” family-building in a positive way to their peers. It’s tricky, but help them explain the similarities and differences in a simple way:

“It’s a little different. Kind of like in adoption, my parents didn’t give birth to me. But I’m not biologically related to the surrogate who gave birth to me. In adoption, kids are biologically related to their birth mothers, who gave birth to them.”

8. “Can you go live with your surrogate?”

Most kids likely have some experience with blended families or kinship arrangements. Or maybe they think your child has some fantasy about running away from home and living with their surrogate. But they probably don’t realize that your child’s surrogate isn’t as active in your family as a birth family would be in an adoption triad. Clear that up:

“No, my surrogate has her own kids, husband and house. She lives in another state. She’s nice, but she’s not my mom.”

Some Other Tips

Your child will likely find that when kids ask questions, they’re worried for him or her. It’s hard for kids to imagine something so different from how their own family was created. It helps to reassure the questioner that everything is okay! Surrogacy is a normal, happy thing — not a source of sadness.

The answers you help your child provide can be adjusted to suit age and level of understanding, but in general, keeping it simple is always best. It’s also good to practice answering some of those common questions together at home, so your child never feels put on the spot when they’re inevitably met with curiosity regarding their surrogacy story. Your child may already have good ideas for how to respond! This is another reason why it’s so important to keep surrogacy as an ongoing topic of conversation in your home rather than a one-time discussion.

It’s natural for other kids to be curious about your child’s surrogacy story — this is likely the first time they’ve heard of this family-building path. As long as normal curiosity and questions don’t turn into teasing, let your child handle it themselves as much as possible. You’ll likely be proud of how well they respond.

What questions has your child received about their surrogacy story? How did he or she respond? Let us know in the comments!