Intended Parents | American Surrogacy Blog

How Do Surrogates Feel About Carrying Someone Else’s Baby?

It’s a common question about surrogacy: How do surrogates really feel about carrying someone else’s baby?

For someone unfamiliar with the surrogacy process, it can be confusing as to why a woman would give her time, body and energy to being pregnant for someone else. After all, pregnancy is a huge commitment that does come with certain risks. When a woman spends all that time carrying a child, does she really feel nothing for the little bundle of joy?

Of course surrogates have feelings for the babies they carry. Their emotions are just a bit different than what you might expect.

They Know the Baby isn’t “Theirs”

Most surrogacy processes today are gestational, which means the surrogate is not genetically related to the baby she carries. Instead, the baby is conceived from an embryo of the intended parents’ genetic material (or with the combination of a donor egg or sperm). That embryo is then transferred to the surrogate’s uterus.

When a woman is pregnant with an intended parents’ baby, she knows from the beginning that the baby is not hers. She often views what she is doing as “babysitting” — taking care of the unborn child until they are healthy enough to go home with their parents after birth. Therefore, many surrogates report that they don’t feel the same attachment to a surrogate baby as they do to the children they carried themselves.

A woman must go through certain mental health screenings and evaluations before she can become a surrogate. During these screenings, she is counseled about the feelings she might expect while pregnant, and health professionals must feel that she can properly handle the emotions of surrogacy before she can even begin. With all of this information, surrogates don’t ever feel like the baby they are carrying is “theirs.” While legal protections are in place to prevent a surrogate from keeping the baby after birth, the truth is that it’s extremely rare for a surrogate to have those kinds of maternal feelings toward the baby she carries.

They are Excited to Involve Intended Parents

Surrogates do not try to keep their pregnancy private. They know how important this pregnancy is to the intended parents, so they take steps to actively involve the baby’s parents as much as possible.

From the beginning of the surrogacy process, women who become surrogates must give up a certain degree of privacy when it comes to their medical treatments and procedures. Therefore, a surrogate is often incredibly comfortable with involving the intended parents in intimate moments like ultrasounds and delivery. She would likely be upset if the intended parents couldn’t be present for these moments.

Surrogates are usually thrilled about including intended parents in whatever ways they can, but it’s still crucial that both parties create a contact schedule in their surrogacy contract before starting. A surrogacy agency or professional can also help mediate any contact disagreements that arise during the surrogacy process and aid the creation of a positive, genuine relationship between intended parents and their surrogate.

You can connect with a community of surrogates ready to share their experiences on our Instagram page.

They are Prepared for any Post-Birth Emotions

As part of their pre-surrogacy screenings, surrogates are informed of the conflicting emotions they may feel after they give birth to the baby. These emotions aren’t due to a maternal attachment; instead, they are often products of the pregnancy hormones they can’t control.

Surrogates are prepared for the emotions they may feel, and these emotions rarely affect a surrogate’s adherence to legal custody issues. In fact, many surrogates are overjoyed to give the baby to the parents. A surrogate has often created such a genuine relationship with intended parents that she is thrilled to finally help their dreams come true.

In the case that a surrogate does experience conflicting emotions after birth, she will always have the support of her surrogacy specialist and any other required mental health professionals. Remember, any of these feelings often stem from post-partum hormones, not a genuine desire to “keep” the baby. At American Surrogacy, our specialists work closely to support all surrogates after their delivery to ensure they are adjusting appropriately.

If you want to learn more about how women feel about carrying a child for intended parents, you can always contact our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-2229 for more information about this process.

4 Ways to Cope with Pregnancy Envy During Surrogacy

Intended mothers who pursue surrogacy go through a lot. Often, they have spent months or years undergoing in vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments to no avail, have decided to pursue surrogacy and its additional costs, and are willing to accept the physical and emotional complexities of having another woman carry their child.

For many women, this aspect can be one of the most challenging of their surrogacy. When an intended mother has dreamed of being pregnant and having a baby for years, it can be difficult to watch someone else go through the process she thought she would go through herself.

This experience can often cause confusing emotions. If you are an intended mother considering surrogacy or currently in the surrogacy process, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the pregnancy envy you may feel.

Understand the Positives that Come from this Situation

As much as it may sting to see another woman carry your child, remember the reason you chose surrogacy — to give yourself the genetic child you’ve dreamed of for so long. When pregnancy envy becomes too much, think about all of the positive things this path will give you. You’ll be present for your baby’s birth, raise them from birth, and have a child who shares your genetics. At the end of the process, it will all be worth it.

What should you not do? Focus on the positives of not being pregnant (or let anyone try to convince you of them). If loved ones know you are struggling through pregnancy envy, they may try to make you feel better by mentioning all of the pregnancy experiences you are saved from: morning sickness, bloating, weight gain, etc. However, most intended mothers find that thinking about these things only exacerbate their envy. After all, they would take all of those “negatives” in a heartbeat if it meant they were able to be pregnant with their own child.

As tough as it can be, remember that there are positives that stem from the situation you are in — and the envy will pass when you meet your little bundle of joy.

Don’t Feel Obligated to Attend Baby Showers

This rule is helpful to both intended mothers who are pursuing surrogacy and hopeful mothers who are struggling with infertility. When you are coping with feelings of jealousy and anger about someone else’s pregnancy, you never have to participate in something that exacerbates those feelings (like a baby shower or baby clothes shopping). You must always do what is best for your own mental health.

If you are invited to an event that you know will only cause difficult emotions, don’t feel guilty in sitting it out. Consider sending a nice card or gift instead; your friends will understand.

Keep Conversations About This Topic Short

When you are an intended mother, people will often have questions for you about your surrogacy experience. Some of these questions may revolve around how you feel having a surrogate carry your baby — questions which can be hard to address when they bring up uncomfortable feelings.

You always have the right to answer or not answer whatever questions you receive about your surrogacy process. Sometimes, when people ask you about the aspects you’re struggling with (like missing out on pregnancy), it can be easier to just move past the topic. Dwelling on how you feel may only cause you more pain.

Fortunately, you can always respond to questions by stating you’re uncomfortable talking about it or that your contract prevents you from talking about it. People will usually pick up on this discomfort and drop the subject, allowing you to share these intimate feelings with only those you trust, like your spouse or your surrogacy specialist.

Be as Involved as You Want to Be in Her Pregnancy

How you cope with your pregnancy envy will always be up to you. What works to alleviate some intended mothers’ feelings may not work for you. This is where honest discussions with your surrogacy specialist can be so beneficial.

For some intended mothers, being involved in their surrogates’ pregnancies can help them overcome the feelings of jealousy and disappointment they feel at not carrying their own children. Surrogacy is a close partnership between intended parents and their surrogate; an intended mother can be there for the embryo transfer, important ultrasounds and the birth of her child. If she creates a close relationship with her surrogate, an intended mother can be updated on all the important moments of the pregnancy and feel like she is not missing as much as she thought she would.

However, some intended mothers might find this contact too much — and that’s completely normal. Still, because surrogacy is a partnership, it’s important that both parties are on the same page about contact moving forward. Only then can it be a positive emotional experience for all involved.

Some intended mothers find a comfort in being part of a larger surrogacy community. You can begin connecting to with intended parents going through this same process on our Instagram page.

When you work with American Surrogacy, your surrogacy specialist will always be there to support you as an intended parent. If you find yourself struggling with pregnancy envy, your specialist can provide the counseling and guidance you may need to move forward in a positive manner.

Celebrating Mother’s Day at Different Stages in Your Surrogacy Journey

Mother’s Day, as exciting as it is for many women, can also be emotionally challenging for those who have not yet achieved their motherhood goals. Whether you are still struggling with infertility, are in the middle of the surrogacy process or have had a child through surrogacy, your motherhood experience will be different from that of many other mothers.

This isn’t a bad thing — it’s just something to recognize when this day of the year comes along. Even long after motherhood is realized, the pain of infertility can rear its ugly head. Therefore, Mother’s Day can be a trigger for even the happiest of mothers.

At American Surrogacy and our partner agency American Adoptions, we celebrate mothers in all stages of their parenting journey. Below, you’ll find some advice for women in all parts of the surrogacy journey to make this Mother’s Day as positive as possible.

If You’re Struggling with Infertility

Women who are not yet mothers can have the hardest time on Mother’s Day. After all, it’s a day that celebrates all that you don’t yet have — but desperately want. When struggling with infertility, it can seem like your body has betrayed you, and being hounded with images of happy mothers and children can be emotionally devastating.

Know this: You always have the right to do what makes you happiest on this day. Your emotional well-being is always the most important thing.

Some intended mothers decide to completely sit Mother’s Day out. They know that trying to celebrate this day, even with important maternal figures in their lives, can make things harder — especially if you know you’ll receive endless questions about having children yourself. If this is the case for you, do an activity that is completely unrelated to the holiday and brings you joy. Use your coping mechanisms for your infertility journey to let out your emotions and address how you’re feeling.

On the other hand, you may wish to jump into Mother’s Day and turn your negative feelings into positive energy toward the important maternal figures in your life. Take the attention off of yourself by focusing on your own mother and other family members. Celebrating with your loved ones can sometimes help you forget your sadness and even enjoy yourself on this emotionally complex day.

If You’re in the Surrogacy Process

If you’re in the middle of a surrogacy journey on this Mother’s Day, you are likely feeling some conflicting feelings. You will need to address these emotions in order to have a positive day.

If your surrogate is pregnant, you probably can’t wait until this time next year, when you’ll finally have the little bundle of joy you’ve been waiting for so long. Because of this excitement, Mother’s Day might be easier than you imagine. You may consider including your surrogate in your Mother’s Day mentions; she would certainly appreciate receiving a token of appreciation like flowers or a small gift. After all, she is the reason you will be a mother, and she may be giving up precious time with her own children to help you reach your goals.

At the same time, you shouldn’t shy away from the more negative feelings you may have during this time. Your journey to motherhood is unique; you are missing out on some key experiences like pregnancy and childbirth. It’s important to acknowledge any feelings of jealousy or sadness on this day, or they may come back to haunt you later. Recognize how special your motherhood journey is, and don’t shy away from the realities of your situation.

Remember, if you are struggling with complicated emotions during your surrogacy experience, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy is always available to offer guidance and suggestions.

If You’ve Had a Child Through Surrogacy

Finally, if you’ve successfully had a child through surrogacy, it may seem like your Mother’s Day would be like any other mother’s — full of joy and love. However, there are still some important things to consider after your motherhood goals have come to fruition.

The fact that you have a child now does not erase the months and years you likely spent lamenting your infertility. Don’t be surprised if these latent emotions show up at the most unexpected times, including during Mother’s Day celebrations. Your sadness about not experiencing pregnancy may reappear, especially when your child starts asking questions inspired by traditional Mother’s Day crafts at school.

Along the same line, you might find that your child wants to send a card to his or her surrogate on Mother’s Day. This does not mean that you’re not “mother” enough for him or her; it’s actually a sign of your child’s maturity and understanding of their surrogacy journey. Your surrogate played a large role in bringing your child into the world, and it’s a wonderful gesture to appreciate her on Mother’s Day.

If your child doesn’t suggest it, you may still consider including your child’s surrogate in Mother’s Day to teach your son or daughter gratitude and appreciation from an early age. Your surrogate is an important part of your child’s story, and she should not be forgotten.

No matter where you are in your surrogacy journey, there are others out there just like you. Connect with them through our online communities.

Mother’s Day is a day that celebrates all people who play a maternal role: whether they are female or male, related to the child or not. There’s never an issue with including more love and appreciation on this day.

How to Approach Mother’s Day as a Gay Male Parent

Mother’s Day: A day when hardworking moms get breakfast in bed, flowers and gifts, and a day full of what they want to do. But, for thousands of families across the U.S., Mother’s Day is a bit complicated — because there’s no mother to celebrate.

Male fathers who have used surrogacy know that their child having a mother is in no way more important than having two loving, doting parents who happen to be men. But, when schools and society make such a big deal about Mother’s Day, it’s normal to not know how to approach this topic with their kid.

In most cases, children of two gay dads don’t overthink this holiday as much as their parents do. They accept the roles their fathers play in their lives and don’t feel left out on Mother’s Day.

However, if you’re a gay father concerned about how to address this subject with your child, find some guidance below.

Addressing the Role of an Egg Donor in Your Child’s Life

It makes sense for you to consider your child’s egg donor — their biological mother — when the second weekend of May comes around. After all, this woman is your child’s “mother” in a certain sense, even if she is not involved in their life in the way that a live-in mother would be.

If your child approaches you about celebrating his or her biological mom on Mother’s Day, don’t take it as a sign that you and your partner (if applicable) are not enough for him or her. All children are curious about their biological parents, whether they are born through an egg donation or they have a birth mother through adoption. Mother’s Day can be a great opportunity to open up a conversation about your child’s egg donor that may not have been there before.

You’ll want to always have your child’s egg donor be an open topic of conversation but especially on Mother’s Day, when your child may question why they don’t have a mother of their own to celebrate. If your egg donor is known, suggest that your child write her a card on this holiday — not so much a “Mother’s Day” card as an “Egg Donor’s Day” card. That way, your child can feel included in the holiday even if he or she doesn’t have a mother to celebrate.

To Involve or Not to Involve The Surrogate?

Similarly, many gay male couples use Mother’s Day as a way to celebrate their child’s surrogate. Some even decide to make it “Surrogate’s Day” instead.

However, when doing this, you will want to clarify that your child’s surrogate is no way their mother. Explain that, yes, other children may be brought into the world by their mother, but just because a surrogate gave birth to them does not create the same relationship. If you have properly explained your child’s surrogacy story, this will come as no surprise to them — but don’t be surprised if they ask more questions around Mother’s Day, especially if they are younger.

This can also be a great opportunity for your child to develop a relationship with their surrogate, if both parties are comfortable doing so. You might consider visiting your surrogate on Mother’s Day, or help your child create a card or letter for her, expressing their appreciation and how much her decision means to your family.

You also have the right to not involve your surrogate as you feel comfortable. However, even if you don’t make Mother’s Day completely about your surrogate, teaching your child empathy and appreciation by acknowledging her on this day is important.

How to Involve Your Child in Mother’s Day Celebrations

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a big deal in a household with two fathers. The amount to which these kinds of families celebrate this day varies greatly; some deem this day another Father’s Day, while some don’t acknowledge it at all.

However, whatever you choose for your own household, recognize that your child will likely complete Mother’s Day activities at school and at other activities. It can be awkward for them to not be involved in these arts and crafts, so make sure to inform your child’s teachers about their situation prior to these activities and suggest alternatives for your child.

One of the most popular paths gay fathers take? Using Mother’s Day to celebrate the women in their child’s life who play an important maternal role.

Instead of ignoring Mother’s Day, use it as an opportunity to appreciate women like your child’s grandmother, aunts, close family friends and more. Suggest that your child create cards and put together small gifts for these women instead of focusing on the “mother” aspect of the day. Consider taking any childless women who play a role in your child’s life out to a nice meal or spend some quality time with them. They will appreciate it, and your child won’t feel left out of the Mother’s Day activities.

More than anything else, don’t stress about Mother’s Day if you are a gay dad. It can be tempting to overthink a holiday that has such significance in society today, but know that the lack of a mother has not been proven to harm a child. With proper foresight and preparation, you can create a Mother’s Day for your child that is meaningful and that works best for your family.

4 Ways to Respond to Infertility & Surrogacy Shaming

If you are an intended parent struggling with infertility or in the middle of the surrogacy process, you are well familiar with the difficulties of the path you are on. You know the sacrifices and tough decisions you made to get to where you are. That’s why it can be so frustrating and infuriating when someone else comments upon your personal life: a growing trend called parent shaming.

For some reason, with the power of social media, people feel compelled to hide behind their computer screens and judge other parents for their choices — whether that’s adoption, IVF, surrogacy or simply their parenting styles. When you’re going through the difficult process of assisted reproduction, these comments can be grating, especially when the commenter doesn’t really understand what your personal journey involves.

These are just a few of the comments you may have received or heard:

Why didn’t you just adopt? There are so many waiting kids.

Why did you spend all that money on IVF if you can’t even get pregnant?

Well, maybe if you just relaxed and didn’t stress about having a kid, you’ll actually get pregnant.

We’re sad to see the trend of IVF- and surrogacy-shaming become normalized online. So, what can you do as an intended parent to combat this shaming and judgement?

1. Think before you respond.

When someone comments harshly about your choice to pursue IVF or surrogacy, it can be tempting to quickly respond, fueled by the hurt and anger you’re feeling. However, take a deep breath and think about what you’re saying. Sometimes, to defend themselves, intended parents deflect by shaming the commenter for their parenting decisions. However, responding with judgmental comments will do nothing to solve the online-shaming problem.

2. Respond politely and with kindness.

Instead of lashing out, be considerate. Just because you are not speaking to the person face-to-face does not mean they don’t deserve the same kind of respect you would give in an in-person conversation. Politely thank them for their comment, but respectfully agree to disagree.

3. Educate them about IVF and/or surrogacy.

Often, judgmental comments about assisted reproductive technology come from a place of misunderstanding. For example, some people may believe that surrogates are “giving up” their own baby, which can inspire hateful comments. Take this opportunity to educate the commenter about the realities of the path you’ve chosen. Explain how you came to this decision, and emphasize that it was the right choice for your family.

4. Politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

Unfortunately, many people don’t come to social media to have an open, productive conversation. They don’t wish to have their mind changed but to instead reiterate their own points over and over. Therefore, it can sometimes cause more harm than good to engage them in a lengthy discussion. Instead, remind them that how you build your family is no one’s business but your own. You can also say you aren’t comfortable discussing your intimate family decisions with them. If they continue to engage you, ignore them or take steps to block them.

Remember, your emotional well-being is what really matters — not the opinion of someone on the internet.

Taking Steps to Stop the Cycle in Your Everyday Life

To stop infertility- and parent-shaming, consider your own life. Do you find yourself being critical of other parents, whether you express those opinions or not? Odds are, you have at some point — you’re only human.

But, when those thoughts arise, take a minute to remember that everyone’s situation is different. What you see as a breakdown in parenting may be a parent dealing with an impossible situation, like financial troubles or a death in the family. No parent is perfect all the time, and it’s not productive to criticize things that a parent is likely already self-conscious about.

There is no “right” way to be or become a parent, and it’s not your place to tell someone what they are doing is “wrong.” Instead, show a little kindness and support, especially of people who might share different beliefs than you. We could all use a bit of understanding in this day and age.

If you’re looking for a positive online space, check in with our Instagram community. We would love to have you.

5 Secrets to a Successful Surrogacy

It’s no secret — surrogacy can be an overwhelming and complicated but equally rewarding family-building process. So, are there any tips for making it as successful a process as possible?

Whether you’re an intended parent or prospective surrogate, there are a couple of rules to live by if you want to have a surrogacy that meets all of your dreams and goals.

1. Be Open.

More than anything else, surrogacy is an intimate partnership between not only intended parents and their surrogate but also the surrogacy and medical professionals that guide them through the process. Because surrogacy can be so complicated and cause so many different emotions, it’s important that intended parents and surrogates are open with each other and their professionals from the start.

For intended parents, this may mean opening up about past infertility struggles that are difficult to talk about. For surrogates, it means being willing to share intimate medical information about their body every step of the way. Many times, surrogacy is a new experience for both, so it’s important to be open to those new experiences in order to do what is best for your personal journey.

2. Be Honest.

Similarly, it’s important to always be honest about what you are feeling at different points in your surrogacy process. It’s normal to encounter difficult emotions along the way — like jealousy, discomfort and more — but the only healthy way of coping with them is by addressing them honestly, either with your surrogacy partner or your surrogacy professional.

Trying to hide what you are feeling — either because of your own discomfort in revealing your emotions or in attempting to save someone else from discomfort — will only cause more problems further along in your surrogacy process. In fact, your surrogacy professionals are often trained to detect dishonesty or other similar issues, and your surrogacy process could stall until you resolve those emotions.

3. Be Prepared.

There are many moving parts involved in a successful surrogacy, and one of the secrets to making yours as positive as possible is by knowing what to expect. All intended parents and surrogates should fully understand the logistics of the surrogacy process before starting, but you should also speak with your surrogacy professional so you are aware of potential complications that could arise. Even if you don’t believe these circumstances will arise, you should always be prepared, just in case.

The better prepared you are, the smoother your surrogacy will progress.

4. Be Flexible.

On the same note, in the case of unexpected developments, flexibility is key. Your surrogacy may not go as you expect; you may experience delays in screening, failed transfers or even a miscarriage. As discouraging as these situations are, they are completely normal aspects of a surrogacy — and you should be prepared for the possibility of them occurring.

Being flexible under non-ideal circumstances will not only help save your mental health but it will also help you grow a strong relationship with your surrogacy partner, who will also be going through the same situations.

5. Be Realistic.

When you finally begin your surrogacy journey, you will be incredibly excited for the progress to come! However, as mentioned, surrogacy can come with unexpected delays and complications, and not everything will go perfectly the first time.

An average surrogacy journey takes about 12–18 months. Of course, all surrogacy journeys are different, and you may hear about other people’s journeys on both extremes of the spectrum. However, don’t expect to be matched within days and have a confirmed pregnancy the next month. Surrogacy takes time, and it will all happen based on what’s best for your individual journey. You may not see it while you are in the process, but you will look back later and know that everything happened when it did for a reason.

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If you’re looking for more tips on having a successful surrogacy, look no further than American Surrogacy. Our surrogacy specialists can provide the case management and support services you need during every step of this complicated journey to help you achieve your personal surrogacy goals.

Learn more by contacting us today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

Connect with a community full of compassionate, supportive surrogates and intended parents on our Instagram.

7 Tips for Making a Surrogacy Memory Book

Many parents-to-be love creating a memory book documenting their child’s journey into the world — and just because your child is being carried by a surrogate doesn’t mean that you can’t also create a memento for this important time in your life.

But, how exactly do you create a surrogacy memory book? Won’t it be complicated when a surrogate is involved?

Absolutely not! When you have a positive, genuine relationship with your surrogate, making a surrogacy memory book will be easier than you think. While it’s true that your child’s memory book will be slightly different because of the way they were brought into the world, a surrogacy memory book doesn’t need to be incredibly different from a memory book for those born traditionally and those brought into a family through adoption.

Hear more about surrogacy as an intended parent from intended parents who have become parents through surrogacy on our Instagram.

Here, find a few tips to help you if you are considering creating a surrogacy memory book:

1. Design it chronologically.

If you’ve never made a surrogacy memory book, it can be intimidating to start. However, when you decide to frame your book chronologically, this will give you an easy beginning, middle and end to work around.

When starting your surrogacy memory book, remember that this should be a happy document, so it may not be best to dwell upon the infertility struggles and other challenges that made you choose surrogacy. Instead, simply mention that you decided on surrogacy at a certain point in time, and then move forward with the rest of your book from there. You can use the important dates in your surrogacy journey as a starting point, and then include any other fun moments or mementos as fillers.

2. Include a table of contents.

Children often grow to love the memory books of how they came to be, and they may enjoy reading it over and over. They will usually fixate on different aspects of your surrogacy journey at different times in their life, so you may consider a table of contents to aide that. This way, your child (and anyone viewing the surrogacy memory book) can quickly flip to the section that they want to read about most.

3. Include the surrogate.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but there are many ways you can choose to include your surrogate in your child’s surrogacy memory book. In addition to including a page about who she is and how she was involved throughout the journey, you may also wish to let a surrogate add to the memory book, as well. You might suggest that she write a letter to your child about her experience, any fun moments she had, and why she chose to be a surrogate. Your surrogate can be instrumental in providing photos and other mementos that you can use in the memory book. For this reason, it can be a good idea to inform the surrogate of your plans to make a memory book as early as possible. Many surrogates are excited at this opportunity to document their experience!

4. Include other important people in your surrogacy journey.

Your surrogate isn’t the only one who was involved in bringing your child into the world, so consider including people like your surrogacy specialist, fertility professional and the doctor who delivered your baby. You can include photos and names and, depending on your relationship with these professionals, ask them if they also want to contribute to the memory book.

5. Make sure to explain certain aspects of the surrogacy experience.

Remember that the people who will eventually read your child’s surrogacy memory book may not understand how surrogacy works. Therefore, when you include important parts of the surrogacy process (like finding a surrogate or the embryo transfer), you should consider explaining them, as well. Not only will this help your child understand their surrogacy journey from an early age, it will also help spread awareness about the beauty — and truth — of surrogacy.

6. Leave room for future pages.

Surrogacy is not just a one-time process; your child’s surrogacy story will impact the rest of his or her life. Therefore, leave blank pages or pages with certain prompts for different times in your child’s life. For example, if you anticipate your child meeting your surrogate one day, create a page for that, leaving open spots for photos and other mementos.

7. Protect your surrogacy memory book.

Often, a surrogacy memory book can become a treasured item for a child. But, knowing how messy (and forgetful) children can be, take the steps early on to protect this book from future damage. Consider laminating any homemade scrapbook pages or placing them in protective sleeves, or work with a professional bookbinding and creation company like Shutterfly to include scanned documents, rather than precious, sentimental originals.

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More than anything else, when you’re creating your child’s surrogacy memory book, don’t forget to make it your own! There is no “right” way to make a memory book; instead, just focus on including what is important in your surrogacy story and what you want your child to know growing up. The best surrogacy memory books aren’t always the most creative ones; they are the ones in which intended parents have taken the time and effort to create something special.

You can always contact our surrogacy specialists at American Surrogacy for more tips and suggestions when creating your surrogacy memory book. To learn more today, please call 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

40 Questions All Intended Parents Should Ask Surrogacy Agencies

First-time intended parents often choose to work with a surrogacy agency when they decide to pursue this family-building process. After all, a surrogacy agency like American Surrogacy can provide all of the services they need to safely and efficiently add a child to their family, allowing intended parents to focus on creating a bond with their surrogate and preparing for the arrival of their little bundle of joy.

But, with so many surrogacy agencies out there, how do you decide which one is best for you?

Different surrogacy agencies have different focuses, and not all surrogacy agencies will work for every intended parent’s surrogacy goals and preferences. That’s okay — what’s important is finding the one that works best for you. If you are trying to decide which surrogacy agency is right for you, we encourage you to start by listing your personal goals and preferences. This list will inform the rest of your decision.

When you have identified a few surrogacy agencies you are interested in, you should always take the time to speak with their professionals and ask any questions you may have. Choosing a surrogacy agency is a commitment that will guide the rest of your surrogacy experience, and it should only be done when you are 100 percent confident that a given professional is right for you.

Here, we’ve gathered some of the important questions you should consider asking a surrogacy agency if you are an intended parent:

About the Agency

What is your agency’s history?
How many successful surrogacies have you completed?
What do you define as a “successful” surrogacy?
How are your staff members trained or certified?
How many staff members do you have?
How many intended parents are you currently working with?
What kind of support do you offer intended parents and surrogates?
Is your support available outside business hours?

About Their Services

What services do you offer intended parents and prospective surrogates?
What is your screening process for intended parents and prospective surrogates?
What are your requirements for intended parents to work with your agency?
What are your agency costs for surrogacy?
How are payments broken down throughout our surrogacy process?
Do you provide escrow services for our surrogate’s compensation and medical expenses?
How long will your services be available to us after our surrogacy is complete?

Experience is the best teacher and you can hear from fellow intended parents who have been through the process to make their dreams of parenthood a reality. Follow us on Instagram to learn more from the intended parents we’ve worked with.

About Finding a Surrogate

How many surrogates do you have waiting to be matched?
How do you match intended parents and prospective surrogates?
How many experienced surrogates and/or repeat surrogates work with your agency?
What if we have already identified a surrogate to use in our surrogacy?
How do you identify and advertise for prospective surrogates?
Will you help us create an intended parent profile?
What characteristics can we choose when selecting a surrogate?
How long does it typically take for intended parents to find their surrogate with your agency?

About Contact Mediation

How will you prepare us for our initial conversation with the surrogate?
Will this conversation take place in person or over the phone?
Once we have found a surrogate, will you provide contact mediation during our surrogacy?
If so, what kind?
How will you resolve difficult situations between us and our surrogate, should they arise?

About Other Professionals

What kind of legal assistance do you provide?
What other surrogacy professionals will we need to hire separately if we work with your agency?
Will you provide references to trusted professionals for this decision?
Or will we be required to work with a professional of your choosing?

About The Hospital Stay

How will you help us prepare for our hospital stay?
Which professionals will be present when our child is born?
How will you help us obtain appropriate insurance for our surrogate?
What are your policies on doulas or nontraditional births with our surrogate?

7 Questions Intended Parents Have for Surrogacy Lawyers

For first-time intended parents, the surrogacy process can seem overwhelming and confusing. When you consider the practical, emotional and legal aspects of having a child via surrogacy, it can seem like a completely different world than what you’re used to.

Because surrogacy can still be a controversial family-building process, you may wonder about the legal aspects involved. It’s incredible important to understand the legal process of surrogacy before beginning to determine whether it’s really the right choice for your family.

Below, you’ll find some of the most common questions intended parents have about the legal process of surrogacy. Remember, the best way to answer these is with a local surrogacy attorney, as state surrogacy laws vary greatly and will impact your personal surrogacy journey.

However, to help you start your legal research, we’ve provided some basic answers to these questions below.

1. Is surrogacy legal in the U.S.?

There are no federal surrogacy laws in the United States. Instead, each state has either enacted its own surrogacy legislation or stayed silent on the matter. Therefore, your individual surrogacy situation will depend greatly on the state where your surrogate lives and plans to deliver your baby.

There are varying degrees of legality to surrogacy in the United States. Certain states completely allow the practice and have set laws for protecting surrogates and intended parents, while other states have no surrogacy laws and the practice is one largely regulated by local professionals. There are also certain states — like New York and New Jersey — where surrogacy contracts are unenforceable and a surrogate cannot be compensated for her services.

Before you begin a surrogacy journey with a certain surrogate, you should speak with a local surrogacy attorney in your state and in your surrogate’s state to determine what the laws are in your area.

2. Do I have to pay a surrogate for her services?

While there are no laws saying a surrogate must be paid, it is certainly recommended by surrogacy professionals and surrogacy attorneys. Surrogacy is a complicated process and will require a great deal of time, energy and sacrifice from a surrogate. If she is not appropriately compensated for her services, she may develop feelings of vulnerability and being taken advantage of. Intended parents may also feel incredibly in debt and feel guilt in never being able to pay her back for what she has done for them.

Regardless of whether you pay a surrogate a base compensation, you will always need to pay for all of her medical and pregnancy expenses. Surrogacy should always be free to a prospective surrogate, and your surrogacy attorney will make sure the proper financial compensation is detailed in your surrogacy contract.

3. How do I know a surrogate won’t take my baby after birth?

If you are completing a gestational surrogacy, your surrogate will not be biologically related to the child she carries — which means she will have no inherent maternal rights to the baby. That being said, the laws regarding a surrogate’s rights to a baby she bears vary by state, and the steps you will need to take to terminate any such rights will be unique to your situation.

If you choose a traditional surrogacy where the surrogate is related to your baby, there will be more legal risk involved. Therefore, the safest path for intended parents asking this question is gestational surrogacy.

Again, your assisted reproductive technology attorney will work with your surrogate, her doctor and the hospital where she delivers to ensure that you are the one who can legally take custody of your child after birth.

4. How do I protect my parental rights and have my name placed on the birth certificate?

There are a few methods used to help intended parents establish parental rights: a pre- or post-birth order, a parentage order after birth, or an adoption. Which one you use will depend upon several factors, like your genetic relationship to your child, your marital status and your state’s laws. A surrogacy attorney will help you determine which path is best for you, complete the legal steps to protect your rights and obtain a new birth certificate with your name on it.

5. Why do my surrogate and I have to have separate lawyers?

Because surrogacy is complicated, each party to a surrogacy contract must have separate legal representation. This way, you can ensure that your rights and interests are being properly protected by someone who has no stake in the other party’s rights. After all, a lawyer who is trying to obtain the best surrogate compensation possible for a prospective surrogate cannot simultaneously try to limit expenses on the intended parents’ part.

Some state laws even require that surrogacy contracts be drafted with two separate lawyers to be finalized, and many surrogacy professionals will not work with intended parents and surrogates who improperly draft their surrogacy contract.

6. Why do we need a lawyer to draft a surrogacy contract?

You may wonder why you can’t just use an online template to create a surrogacy contract. Because every surrogacy is so different, a “one-size-fits-all” approach will undoubtedly leave you and your surrogate open to legal risks. Only a surrogacy attorney knows all of the potential risks and liabilities of the surrogacy process and can protect you and your surrogate from them.

In addition, because state laws and personal situations vary so greatly and determine what your surrogacy process is like, you cannot trust a generic contract to give you the legal safety you need should something unexpected occur.

7. Can’t a surrogate just use our health insurance?

Unfortunately, because you are not the one who is pregnant, intended parents’ health insurance policies will rarely cover any medical treatment to your surrogate. You may have coverage for IVF and other fertility treatments, but actual pregnancy costs will either be covered by the surrogate’s health insurance or an additional insurance policy that you purchase specifically for the surrogacy.

Your surrogacy specialist and attorney will help review the terms of the surrogate’s insurance to determine whether her policy has surrogacy exclusions and, if so, help you find an appropriate additional policy for your needs. Again, this will be determined in your legal contract.

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Have more questions for a surrogacy attorney or questions about the surrogacy process in general? Contact American Surrogacy’s specialists at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) to learn more or be referred to a trusted ART attorney near you.

To hear directly from intended parents and surrogates about the surrogacy process, check out our Instagram.

3 Things to Know About Post-Birth Surrogacy Relationships

The relationship created between intended parents and a surrogate during the surrogacy process is a powerful and intimate one. Both parties are actively working toward the miracle of life — adding a child to a family who so desperately wants one. It’s a complicated and, at times, difficult process in which intended parents and surrogates learn to lean on each other for support.

But, what happens to this relationship after the baby is born? Do intended parents and surrogates go their separate ways, even though they are forever bonded with the knowledge that they brought a life into the world together?

Whether you are an intended parent or a surrogate, you may be curious — and even anxious — about what kind of relationship you will have once your surrogacy journey is complete. Only you and your surrogacy partner will determine what this relationship is but, as you’re considering what you want your relationship to be like, think about these three important facts.

1. Your Relationship Will Change

When a baby is born via surrogacy, intended parents and surrogates have often spent a year or more working closely together — being present for important appointments, sharing stories of pregnancy and excitement and genuinely creating a unique friendship. However, once a baby is born, many of those aspects that bond intended parents and surrogates disappear.

It’s normal for your surrogacy relationship to change once the baby is born — and you should be prepared for these changes. You will likely no longer be in as frequent contact when you aren’t bound by the aspects of the surrogacy process. If you are an intended parent, your focus will go from caring for your surrogate to caring for your newborn baby. If you are a surrogate, you will go from being a key player in the surrogacy process to a spectator of the new family you have created.

These changes can be abrupt and, when you factor in the complicated emotions associated with childbirth, it can be a confusing time. Remember, your surrogacy specialist will always be there to guide you through those feelings and help you adjust to your new relationship, as well as mediate contact to ensure both parties are comfortable with the changes.

2. Closure is a Good Idea

It’s true that surrogates do not become emotionally attached to the children they carry for nine months. They understand that they are just “babysitting” the child and are just as excited as intended parents for the new chapter in their lives.

However, an abrupt break from the intended parents and the baby who they have focused on for the last year can be emotionally challenging for a surrogate. A surrogate is an important part of the surrogacy process, and it’s important that she does not feel like her effort has been overlooked or forgotten as soon as the baby is born.

Closure, even if it’s something as simple as letting the surrogate hold the baby and say goodbye to the new family, can go a long way in helping a woman heal from the physical and emotional complexities of her surrogacy delivery. Likewise, intended parents should find the same sense of closure with the woman who has carried their hopes and dreams for the last nine months. Even if you anticipate continuing your relationship moving forward, this step is crucial in creating a positive surrogacy experience for everyone.

It may be uncomfortable to suggest some kind of closure, but take the steps to reach out — even the smallest gestures go a long way.

3. Every Post-Birth Surrogacy Relationship is Different

Determining your post-surrogacy relationship can be tricky, especially after the baby has been born. Therefore, many intended parents and surrogates create an outline in their surrogacy contract of what kind of post-surrogacy contact they would like moving forward.

However, even with this, it’s natural for relationships to ebb and flow as surrogates and intended parents go through certain periods in their lives. Remember, there is no “right” way to have a relationship with your surrogacy partner after the delivery. Every relationship is different, and it’s up to you to determine what kind you want to have after the birth of the child.

Although creating the perfect post-surrogacy relationship can be complicated, take heart in knowing that most surrogates and intended parents find the perfect balance of contact after birth. One study of surrogates in the United Kingdom and their post-surrogacy relationships shows that 84 percent of surrogates were happy with the level of future contact they had with the child born via surrogacy, whatever kind and frequency of contact it was. They reported that “their level of contact felt natural, was comfortable for the surrogate, the child and his or her parents, and fitted into what were, in most cases, busy family lives.”

Many surrogates and intended parents have gone through this journey – you may be able to gain some valuable insights from connecting with them on platforms like Instagram or Reddit.

If you want to learn more about maintaining a positive surrogacy relationship with your intended parents or surrogate after the baby is born, speak with a surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy today. We can mediate your contact and help you create a relationship that meets both of your needs.

To get started, contact American Surrogacy at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) today.