Intended Parents | American Surrogacy Blog

3 Things to Know About Post-Birth Surrogacy Relationships

The relationship created between intended parents and a surrogate during the surrogacy process is a powerful and intimate one. Both parties are actively working toward the miracle of life — adding a child to a family who so desperately wants one. It’s a complicated and, at times, difficult process in which intended parents and surrogates learn to lean on each other for support.

But, what happens to this relationship after the baby is born? Do intended parents and surrogates go their separate ways, even though they are forever bonded with the knowledge that they brought a life into the world together?

Whether you are an intended parent or a surrogate, you may be curious — and even anxious — about what kind of relationship you will have once your surrogacy journey is complete. Only you and your surrogacy partner will determine what this relationship is but, as you’re considering what you want your relationship to be like, think about these three important facts.

1. Your Relationship Will Change

When a baby is born via surrogacy, intended parents and surrogates have often spent a year or more working closely together — being present for important appointments, sharing stories of pregnancy and excitement and genuinely creating a unique friendship. However, once a baby is born, many of those aspects that bond intended parents and surrogates disappear.

It’s normal for your surrogacy relationship to change once the baby is born — and you should be prepared for these changes. You will likely no longer be in as frequent contact when you aren’t bound by the aspects of the surrogacy process. If you are an intended parent, your focus will go from caring for your surrogate to caring for your newborn baby. If you are a surrogate, you will go from being a key player in the surrogacy process to a spectator of the new family you have created.

These changes can be abrupt and, when you factor in the complicated emotions associated with childbirth, it can be a confusing time. Remember, your surrogacy specialist will always be there to guide you through those feelings and help you adjust to your new relationship, as well as mediate contact to ensure both parties are comfortable with the changes.

2. Closure is a Good Idea

It’s true that surrogates do not become emotionally attached to the children they carry for nine months. They understand that they are just “babysitting” the child and are just as excited as intended parents for the new chapter in their lives.

However, an abrupt break from the intended parents and the baby who they have focused on for the last year can be emotionally challenging for a surrogate. A surrogate is an important part of the surrogacy process, and it’s important that she does not feel like her effort has been overlooked or forgotten as soon as the baby is born.

Closure, even if it’s something as simple as letting the surrogate hold the baby and say goodbye to the new family, can go a long way in helping a woman heal from the physical and emotional complexities of her surrogacy delivery. Likewise, intended parents should find the same sense of closure with the woman who has carried their hopes and dreams for the last nine months. Even if you anticipate continuing your relationship moving forward, this step is crucial in creating a positive surrogacy experience for everyone.

It may be uncomfortable to suggest some kind of closure, but take the steps to reach out — even the smallest gestures go a long way.

3. Every Post-Birth Surrogacy Relationship is Different

Determining your post-surrogacy relationship can be tricky, especially after the baby has been born. Therefore, many intended parents and surrogates create an outline in their surrogacy contract of what kind of post-surrogacy contact they would like moving forward.

However, even with this, it’s natural for relationships to ebb and flow as surrogates and intended parents go through certain periods in their lives. Remember, there is no “right” way to have a relationship with your surrogacy partner after the delivery. Every relationship is different, and it’s up to you to determine what kind you want to have after the birth of the child.

Although creating the perfect post-surrogacy relationship can be complicated, take heart in knowing that most surrogates and intended parents find the perfect balance of contact after birth. One study of surrogates in the United Kingdom and their post-surrogacy relationships shows that 84 percent of surrogates were happy with the level of future contact they had with the child born via surrogacy, whatever kind and frequency of contact it was. They reported that “their level of contact felt natural, was comfortable for the surrogate, the child and his or her parents, and fitted into what were, in most cases, busy family lives.”

Many surrogates and intended parents have gone through this journey – you may be able to gain some valuable insights from connecting with them on platforms like Instagram or Reddit.

If you want to learn more about maintaining a positive surrogacy relationship with your intended parents or surrogate after the baby is born, speak with a surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy today. We can mediate your contact and help you create a relationship that meets both of your needs.

To get started, contact American Surrogacy at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) today.

10 Things to Do While Waiting for Your Baby’s Arrival

If you’re an intended parent, the road to your baby has probably been an especially long one. You may have waited for months or years to become pregnant on your own before deciding to pursue surrogacy — only to find that the waiting continued as you completed screening requirements and searched for the perfect surrogate.

Now, months later, your surrogate is finally pregnant — but you still have to wait the length of her pregnancy before bringing your new baby home.

So, how do you get through those last months and weeks of waiting? Here are 10 things you can do to keep yourself busy:

1. Read.

There is no shortage of reading material for new and expectant parents. While traditional pregnancy books may not be the most useful while you’re waiting for your surrogate to give birth, you might want to pick up a copy of What to Expect the First Year or another book about surrogacy or parenting your newborn.

On the other hand, now is also a great time to read something totally unrelated to babies, surrogacy and parenting. Do some just-for-fun, light reading to help pass the time.

2. Pamper yourself.

Dealing with the loss of control you might feel during your surrogate’s pregnancy isn’t easy. Do something for yourself to help combat those feelings of stress and anxiety, whether that means unwinding with a bubble bath, treating yourself to a pedicure or going out for an evening with friends.

3. Buy baby things.

If you don’t already have them, now is a good time to start gathering the essential items you’ll need when you bring your baby home. Buy a crib and stroller, and start decorating the nursery.

This step isn’t just necessary for you to practically prepare for your new baby; “nesting” also serves an important purpose in mentally preparing you for parenthood.

4. Pack a hospital bag.

On the same note, make sure you’re ready with everything you’ll need for the big day. You never know exactly when your baby will decide to make his or her debut, so start packing a hospital bag now with all of the essentials. Having your things ready to go can be a lifesaver if you end up needing to travel to the hospital at a moment’s notice.

5. Bond with your surrogate.

As delivery day approaches, don’t forget about your surrogate! Check in with her to ask how she’s feeling and if there’s anything you can do to support her during the final weeks of her pregnancy. Consider sending gifts or scheduling some time to spend with her before the baby is born. Bonding with your surrogate is not only essential to a positive surrogacy experience; it also can help you feel more connected and involved in the final stages of the pregnancy.

6. Prepare your other kids, if applicable.

If you have children already, it’s important to take time to prepare them for the arrival of their brother or sister. Make sure your children understand surrogacy (at an age-appropriate level), and involve them in the preparations for the new baby. Ask them to draw pictures or choose special gifts to give to the baby when he or she arrives. Depending on the relationship you have with your surrogate, you may even introduce your children to her to help them better understand the surrogacy process.

7. Plan ahead.

Life with a new baby will be hectic, so try to think ahead if you can. Consider buying gifts or cards now for any important birthdays or holidays happening within the first few weeks after your baby’s due date. Take care of important errands that will be easier to complete without a newborn in tow. Make some meals that you can pop in the freezer and reheat for a quick dinner once you bring your baby home. You’ll thank yourself later.

8. Start a baby book.

Many expectant parents start a pregnancy journal or baby book before their baby arrives, and there’s no reason why intended parents can’t do this, too. Consider how you’ll incorporate your child’s surrogacy story into his or her baby book. Depending on your relationship with the surrogate, you might ask if she would be comfortable sharing pictures of her pregnancy or a letter about her experience in the baby book, too.

This memory book will be a priceless keepsake for years to come, and it can even help you talk to your child about surrogacy as he or she gets older.

9. Meet up with friends.

Friends can be a great source of comfort and support throughout your surrogacy journey and can keep you busy while you’re anxiously awaiting your baby’s arrival. Spend some time with your friends whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or a fun distraction from the surrogacy process — it might not be as easy to meet up for drinks or coffee once your new baby arrives!

10. Spend time with your partner.

Go on a romantic date, see a movie or spend some quiet time at home, just the two of you. Enjoy each other’s company and, if you don’t already have other children, your last moments as a family of two! Once your baby arrives, date nights will require a sitter, and quiet moments alone will be harder to come by. Parenthood will be an exciting new chapter for both of you, but you should also soak up this special time with each other before welcoming your new arrival.

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Waiting for your baby to get here can be challenging at times. Try to be patient, enjoy the process and think about how far you’ve come in your family-building journey. Your baby will be here when he or she is ready, and it will happen before you know it.

If you are struggling with the wait to become parents through surrogacy, know that your surrogacy specialist is always available to offer the support you need. Feel free to reach out at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) for more tips and support throughout your surrogacy process.

You can also hear from other intended parents about their wait to become parents by checking us out on Instagram.

27 Questions to Ask a Prospective Surrogate

Finding the perfect surrogate to carry your child can be a difficult decision. How do you select the woman who will hold your hopes and dreams in her uterus for nine long months?

While the surrogacy specialists at American Surrogacy can help you find a surrogate who shares your surrogacy goals and preferences, the ultimate decision will be up to you. Before you commit to a prospective surrogate, however, you will have the chance to share a conversation with her to ensure she is the right choice for your family.

You may wonder: “What questions do I ask a surrogate to make sure she’s perfect for my family?”

Know that you and your surrogacy specialist will create a list of questions prior to your conversation with potential surrogates, and your specialist will always mediate your upcoming conversation. While you’ll want to ask the questions that you are most interested in learning more about, we’ve listed a few potential questions below to help you start your list.

About a Surrogate

What are your interests?
What kind of things do you like to do?
How would you describe your personality?
What are your values? What is important to you?
What is your family like? Are they supportive of your surrogacy plans?

About Her Surrogacy Goals

Why did you decide to become a surrogate?
Why do you think you’d be a great surrogate?
Have you been a surrogate before? If so, what were your journeys like?
What were your previous pregnancies like?
When did you start your surrogacy process?
How committed are you to the surrogacy process?
Are you able to travel for surrogacy-related procedures and appointments?
What are you looking for in a relationship with intended parents before, during and after the surrogacy process?
What do you want to know about us as intended parents?
How many embryo transfers are you comfortable with, and how many embryos are you comfortable with in a single transfer?
How do you want your family involved in your surrogacy journey?
What are your husband’s or partner’s thoughts on your surrogacy decision?
How are you going to tell your children about your surrogacy? What kind of involvement do you want from me as an intended parent?
What are your thoughts on selective reduction and termination?
Do you have certain surrogacy, legal or medical professionals in mind?
What would you like us to tell our child about you as they grow up?
What are your expectations from us as intended parents?
What are you most looking forward to about being a surrogate?

Something to note: Questions about surrogate compensation should not be discussed in your initial conversation with a surrogate. Your surrogacy specialist will have already matched you with a prospective surrogate who meets your surrogacy budget, and the details of her surrogate compensation will be decided by your lawyers during the legal contract phase.

Your initial conversation with a prospective surrogate can be both exciting and nerve-wracking. Remember that when you work with American Surrogacy, your surrogacy specialist will be there for you throughout your preparation for and during this important conversation. We will always work with you to help you find the perfect surrogate for your family.

You aren’t alone on this journey. Plenty of other families have gone through this process, and had to face things like meeting a prospective surrogate for the first time. You may find it helpful to join a supportive online community.

To start finding a surrogate with American Surrogacy today, please call 1-800-875-2229(BABY) or contact us online.

10 Things Not to Say to Someone Struggling with Infertility

If you have a loved one who is struggling with infertility, it can be difficult to know what to say when talking about this emotional issue. While you know that not expressing these emotions can be devastating for intended parents, it can seem equally difficult to bring up these topics and emotions without seeming pushy or nosy.

Determining what to say to someone struggling with infertility can be difficult, but knowing what not to say to someone struggling with infertility is easier. To help you in this regard, we’ve gathered some of the most insensitive (purposefully or not) comments and questions that our intended parents have been asked — so you know exactly what not to say to someone coping with infertility.

1. “Are you pregnant yet?”

Trust us — intended parents have asked themselves this question countless times during their infertility struggles. For them, pregnancy is a delicate topic to discuss, and having someone ask them this question only reminds them that they are not yet pregnant. If they were pregnant, you can guarantee they would share their good news as soon as they felt it was possible.

Instead of asking this question, focus on asking them about other aspects of their life. When they are ready to announce their pregnancy (or their decision to pursue another family-building process), they will let you know.

2. “If you stop stressing and thinking about it, it will happen.”

For those for whom pregnancy was easy, it can be tempting to just say “it will just happen.” Unfortunately, for many intended parents dealing with infertility, pregnancy will not naturally occur. In fact, the topic of pregnancy likely consumes most of their thoughts. Telling them to “forget about it” and “relax” is counterproductive and can cause more harm than good.

3. “You should try (insert home remedy here).”

Intended parents struggling with infertility are usually already working with doctors to address their fertility needs. They don’t need a loved one offering up home remedy and medical advice, as well. What may have worked for you in your own journey to conceive likely won’t work for intended parents, especially if it is an unscientific, unproven suggestion. Intended parents are doing everything they can to become pregnant and, as well-meaning as your advice is, it should be kept to yourself.

4. “Really? It was so easy for me to get pregnant!”

While this is great for you, mentioning this fact to those struggling with infertility is just another reminder of the more difficult path they are on to becoming parents. You may think that knowledge of how many people successfully become pregnant would raise their spirits, but it’s actually incredibly hard for intended parents to hear. It won’t be easy for them to get pregnant, and hearing how easy it was for you won’t help them feel better.

5. “Why don’t you just adopt instead?”

Adoption is not as easy as those who are unfamiliar with the process think it will be — and it’s not right for everyone struggling with infertility. It’s easy to quickly suggest alternative family-building processes if you have never struggled with infertility, as you won’t understand how difficult it will be for intended parents to grieve dreams of a genetically related child. Wherever someone is at in their infertility journey, it is not your place to suggest what steps they should take next — just their doctor’s.

6. “You don’t know how lucky you are! Kids are so expensive and a handful to deal with.”

Intended parents would give everything to have a child, and belittling the joys of parenthood will do nothing to help them feel better about their situation. It’s common to try to deflect difficult emotions with jokes, but what may seem like no big deal to you is another reminder to intended parents of what they are missing.

7. “I know exactly how you are feeling.”

Unless you have struggled with the same infertility issues to the same degree as the intended parents you’re speaking to, you do not understand what they are feeling. Taking a couple of months to conceive naturally is nowhere near the same as struggling through a year of infertility treatments with no success. Always offer your support and empathy but do not pretend that you are in the same situation that those intended parents are in right now.

8. “You have one/two children. Isn’t that enough?”

Everyone has the right to have as large or as small a family as they want. Just because parents are dealing with infertility issues does not mean that they lose that right. As always, be empathetic, not judgmental, when it comes to someone struggling with infertility. While it’s normal to try to point out the blessings parents already have, remember that people often have a desired family makeup, and asking why the children they have aren’t “enough” can put intended parents in a difficult emotional spot.

9. “You can have my children if you want!”

Again, while you may intend this as a well-meaning joke, it’s not appreciated by intended parents. Joking about the importance of your children will not make them feel better but remind them that other people in the world are lucky enough to have as many children as they want naturally.

10. “Maybe it’s a sign that you’re not meant to be a parent.”

Everyone has the right to be a parent, no matter their fertility situation. When intended parents hear this phrase, it’s an embodiment of their deepest fear — that they may never have the child they’ve dreamed of for so long. Even if intended parents can’t conceive naturally, there are many family-building options available to them to bring a child into their lives — and you should always support them in whatever path they choose, rather than make them question their dreams and desires.

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If your loved one is struggling with infertility and you don’t know what to say, make sure to support them and be empathetic above all else. If you are unsure of how to provide the empathy your loved one needs, consider reaching out to a local infertility support group and inviting your loved one to join you.

You can also find community through our Instagram.

The surrogacy specialists at American Surrogacy are always available to provide counseling for intended parents struggling with infertility, whether it’s emotional or a discussion of their options. To learn more today, please call 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

Failure of Frozen Embryo Storage — What’s the Next Step?

Like many in the assisted reproductive technology world, American Surrogacy was extremely shocked and saddened to hear about the recent failure of two embryo cryopreservation and fertility clinics this week — putting more than 500 families’ dreams of having biological children at risk.

The Associated Press reported that a clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, and a clinic in San Francisco — both of which were storing thousands of frozen embryos — experienced failures in their storage tanks on March 4. Low amounts of liquid nitrogen in certain tanks may have damaged the cryopreserved embryos and eggs inside, and officials from the clinics are still investigating. It’s being reported as a “bad, bad, bad coincidence.”

For the families affected by these damages, it’s more than just a loss of the thousands of dollars they’ve spent on the in vitro fertilization process — it’s the loss of their opportunities to have a biological child. Knowing their loss will implement new backup measures and safety procedures for other couples may not be much of a comfort.

So, what is left for these families after their frozen embryo storage fails, and all the work they’ve put into freezing their embryos or eggs is for naught?

Fortunately, there are a few alternative family-building options still available.

Surrogacy with a Donated Gamete

Infertility is a tricky issue. While two-thirds of cases can be traced to reproductive issues from either the man or the woman in a couple, one-third of cases are either a combination of factors or un-diagnosable.

Intended parents who go through IVF and freeze embryos due to one partner’s reproductive problems could conceivably still have a biological child if their frozen embryos are compromised. They can create fresh embryos with a donated gamete. If an intended mother cannot carry a pregnancy safely to term (or if there is no intended mother), an intended parent can pursue surrogacy with that fresh embryo.

While surrogacy with fresh embryos is rarer than surrogacy with frozen embryos, medical professionals can still complete this process for those in need — such as intended parents whose plans of pursuing IVF with frozen embryos are compromised. If an egg or sperm donor is needed, a fertility clinic or donor bank can be used, and medical professionals will guide intended parents through this process.

So, why should those moving forward from the failure of freezing embryos choose surrogacy with a donated gamete?

It allows one intended parent to be genetically related to the baby.
It allows LGBT intended parents to have a genetically related child.
It protects an intended mother who cannot carry a pregnancy to term safely.
It allows intended parents to be involved with the development of their unborn baby, such as being there for ultrasounds and the birth of their child.

If you are interested in pursuing a fresh cycle transfer surrogacy with an inability to use your cryopreserved embryos, please contact American Surrogacy today. Our surrogacy specialists can discuss your situation and your options in depth to help you find the path that is right for you. Recovering from losses due to improper embryo freezing can be a difficult emotional and financial time, but our specialists and our community are here to support you through it.

Adoption

Surrogacy is not the right family-building option for everyone, especially for intended parents who have spent thousands of dollars previously freezing embryos and are cautious about spending more on assisted reproductive technologies. It’s a valid concern. While our surrogacy program guarantees you will have a baby, there is unfortunately no guarantee as to how many rounds this at-times-tricky process can take before success is found.

However, failed freezing of embryos does not mean a couple cannot become parents. After all, parenting is less about biological connection than it is about genuine care and proper raising of a child. This is why so many great potential parents turn to adoption — knowing that love is what truly makes a family, not genetics.

Hopeful parents can either choose a foster care adoption, an international adoption, or a private domestic infant adoption to add to their family. Many who desire to adopt a baby end up choosing the last path, and our sister agency American Adoptions can guide them through this process.

Adoption involves a pregnant woman choosing an adoptive family for her baby and, typically, maintaining some kind of open adoption contact as the baby grows up.

So, why do hopeful parents choose adoption after failed embryo cryopreservation?

They are comfortable having no genetic connection to their child.
They do not wish to spend thousands more dollars on assisted reproductive technologies.
They want to give a child in need a loving home with their family.
They are comfortable with and excited to have a relationship with their baby’s birth mother.

Many adoptive families have gone through infertility struggles before deciding on adoption, and adoption specialists are trained to counsel these families through the grief of the infertility process. To talk to a specialist about whether adoption is right for you, call 1-800-ADOPTION today.

Moving forward from a loss of frozen embryos — such as in the two notable clinic failures listed above— can be an emotionally difficult thing to do. Remember, just because you don’t have any frozen embryos does not mean you can’t be a parent.

There is a family-building path out there for you. Let us help you find it.

3 Things to Know About Surrogacy Insurance

Insurance can be a tricky thing to navigate during any pregnancy — and surrogacy further complicates the issue. Whether you’re a surrogate or intended parent, you’re not alone if you’re wondering exactly how surrogacy insurance works.

Fortunately, the specialists at American Surrogacy are familiar with the intricacies of surrogacy insurance and can help answer your questions when you contact us at 1-800-875-2229(BABY). In the meantime, here are three things you need to know about insurance coverage for surrogate pregnancies.

1. Coverage varies from company to company.

As surrogacy has become increasingly common, insurance companies have become more selective regarding the types of pregnancies they will cover. Whether a surrogate’s pregnancy will be covered by her health insurance today depends entirely on her individual policy.

As part of our surrogate screening process, American Surrogacy will conduct an insurance review for every prospective surrogate who joins our agency. If her insurance includes a surrogacy exclusion (as many policies today do), the intended parents she is matched with may need to purchase a supplemental insurance policy to cover the costs of her pregnancy.

It’s important to note that if you are a surrogate, your pregnancy costs will always be covered for you, regardless of your insurance situation.

2. In vitro fertilization costs may be covered.

Even in cases where a surrogate’s medical expenses cannot be covered by insurance, some insurance companies will cover infertility treatments up to a certain amount. This means that for some intended parents, insurance will cover the costs of the in vitro fertilization (IVF) process to create embryos.

Intended parents should check with their insurance company to learn whether IVF treatments may be covered by their plan. In some states, this coverage is mandated — but only for employers with certain plans and of certain sizes.

If you live in a state where infertility coverage is not mandated, or if your state’s mandate doesn’t apply to your specific situation, whether IVF will be covered by your insurance depends entirely on your individual policy.

3. A supplemental plan may be necessary.

Because many insurance plans today do not cover surrogate pregnancies, it is common for intended parents to purchase a supplemental surrogacy insurance policy. Companies like ART Risk Financial and New Life Agency offer surrogacy insurance plans that can be purchased to cover a surrogate’s medical costs.

While these additional surrogacy insurance costs can be expensive, they can also offer great peace of mind throughout the medical process and pregnancy — both for surrogates and intended parents. Hopeful parents should carefully research surrogacy insurance (as well as other surrogacy financing options) so they can be fully prepared for the costs ahead.

For more information about surrogacy insurance, contact your insurance representative or a financial advisor. You can also learn more about how our program addresses surrogacy insurance issues by calling 1-800-875-2229(BABY) or contacting us online.

Do you have experience with surrogacy insurance that may help other surrogates or intended parents? Share your story on our Instagram.

5 Places to Find Intended Parent Support Groups

Whether you’re waiting to be matched with the perfect surrogate, you’re dealing with the stress of screening processes and legal contracts, or you’re anxiously waiting for the next pregnancy update from the woman carrying your baby — it can sometimes feel like no one quite understands what you’re going through as an intended parent.

Even the most supportive friends and family members probably don’t have a lot of experience with surrogacy, and sometimes you just want to talk to someone who is (or has been) in the same position you’re in right now. Getting support from other intended parents can be extremely valuable — but finding that support isn’t always easy.

Fortunately, surrogacy is becoming an increasingly popular way for hopeful parents to add to their families, which means there is a growing community of intended parents worldwide. Thanks to the magic of the internet, you can connect with all of them online.

However, it’s important to use caution when joining an online support group. While these groups can have tremendous value, you can’t always trust everything you read online. Remember that some information posted in surrogacy support groups may be inaccurate or inapplicable to your personal surrogacy situation.

When in doubt, you can always talk to the specialists at American Surrogacy by calling 1-800-875-2229 (BABY). They can recommend good support resources for intended parents like you and can verify (or correct) the information you read online. Your surrogacy specialist is also always available to provide the counseling, support and accurate information you need.

In the meantime, here are a few places you can go to find intended parent support groups online:

1. All About Surrogacy

All About Surrogacy is an online community of intended parents, surrogates and egg donors where members can pose questions, share their personal experiences and connect with each other through surrogacy forums.

2. All Things Surrogacy

This private Facebook group gives intended parents, surrogates and egg donors the chance to connect with each other and swap stories and advice in a confidential way.

3. BabyCenter Community

There are several surrogacy-related groups within the BabyCenter Community, including groups specifically for intended parents seeking advice and support from other IPs.

4. RESOLVE

RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, offers a directory of local, peer-led support groups for parents who have struggled with infertility. While many of these groups are not specific to surrogacy, intended parents may still find them helpful.

5. Meetup.com

Intended parents may also be able to find in-person support through Meetups groups. In addition to intended-parent-specific Meetups, you may find a sense of community through general surrogacy, infertility and LGBT parenting groups.

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Remember, you don’t have to go through the surrogacy process alone. If you need help finding intended parent support, contacting your surrogacy specialist is a great place to start. Call 1-800-875-2229(BABY) any time you need surrogacy information, counseling or help finding additional support resources.

If you want to hear from other intended parents, you can also follow our Instagram!

10 Things Intended Parents Wish They Knew Before Their Surrogacy

If you’re an intended parent considering surrogacy, you have a big decision to make. Surrogacy can be complicated, and it’s important that you completely understand what you are signing up for when you commit to this kind of family-building process. While your surrogacy professional can always provide the information you need to start, it may be helpful to speak to other parents who have gone through the surrogacy process, as well.

When you contact the surrogacy specialists at American Surrogacy, they can help connect you to parents who are either in the surrogacy process or have already completed it. That way, you can learn the ins and outs of the process and know what to expect if you choose to pursue this path.

To help you better understand what your surrogacy may be like, here are 10 things that other intended parents wish they had known before they started the surrogacy process for the first time.

1. A surrogacy agency can be invaluable, especially if this is your first experience with surrogacy.

Surrogacy involves many different parts, legalities and professionals, and navigating that all on your own can be incredibly complicated. It’s a great idea to work with a surrogacy professional for at least your first surrogacy, as they can guide you through every step and let you focus on what’s really important — getting to know your surrogate and preparing to bring home your new baby.

Even if you think you may want to pursue an independent surrogacy, we encourage you to speak with a surrogacy agency before making this important decision.

2. Surrogacy laws vary widely by state and will determine what your surrogacy journey will look like.

When you’re researching surrogacy laws in the U.S., it can be frustrating to see that many states don’t have any surrogacy laws at all. However, even if a state has no surrogacy laws, you can often still complete your surrogacy there. You’ll need to work with a professional experienced in that state to make sure you’re following the proper legal and practical steps for a safe surrogacy journey. In many cases, the surrogacy laws where your surrogate lives will determine exactly how your surrogacy will proceed.

3. It can take a long time to find the perfect surrogate.

A surrogate who meets your expectations and who you feel comfortable with will determine the whole progress of your surrogacy. If you choose a surrogate that you don’t feel is 100 percent right for you, you likely will not have the positive, genuine relationship you need for a successful surrogacy.

When you’ve been waiting so long for a child, it can be tempting to choose the first surrogate that comes your way, in order to speed up the process. However, you should take the time to find the woman who is perfect for you to have the best surrogacy possible. You always have that right, and you can take as long as you need to find the perfect surrogate for your family.

4. You should have your finances in line before starting surrogacy.

It’s a well-known truth: Surrogacy is expensive. When you’re considering this family-building process, it’s important to think about how you will budget for and afford the various costs of surrogacy, especially for the miscellaneous, unexpected fees that may arise along the way.

Rather than save just enough to cover the surrogacy process, it’s a good idea to account for unexpected costs (and the ordinary costs of raising a child after birth) before you even begin your surrogacy. That way, rather than stressing about your finances, you can focus on building a relationship with your surrogate.

Your surrogacy specialist and a personal financial advisor can help you learn more about affording surrogacy.

5. You and your surrogate must have separate lawyers.

Even if you and your surrogate have a great personal relationship and agree on every aspect of your surrogacy, you both must hire separate lawyers for your surrogacy contract process. This better protects both parties’ interests and makes sure that every potential detail is accounted for in your legal contract. Remember, you will need to pay for your surrogate’s legal fees in addition to her pregnancy-related expenses.

6. It’s not unusual to have a failed embryo transfer or miscarriage the first time.

When you’ve been waiting for a child for so long, it can be devastating if the surrogacy medical process doesn’t work the first time. But this is completely normal, and many intended parents have to overcome this hurdle before they achieve a successful pregnancy. If this happens to you, it can be helpful to reach out to infertility support groups or other intended parents who have gone through this process for guidance and advice.

7. The difficult emotions don’t go away once your surrogate is pregnant.

Once your surrogate is pregnant, you may think that everything will be happy and easy until your child is born. And, while you will be relieved of the anxiety and disappointment of waiting for a successful pregnancy, your surrogate’s pregnancy will bring all kinds of new emotions. You may feel jealousy and a lack of control at not being involved in your unborn child’s development, and some of these feelings can be difficult. Fortunately, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy will always be there to discuss these emotions and help you obtain any additional counseling that may be necessary.

8. You will get insensitive comments or questions.

When you begin surrogacy, you will receive questions and comments from friends, family and even strangers about your family-building process. While most of these will be well-meaning, some may be insensitive or ignorant, leaving you to clear up misconceptions. You will always have the right to discuss your surrogacy in as much detail as you desire, but you can take advantage of this situation to spread awareness and education about the realities of the surrogacy process.

9. You will create a deep personal connection with your surrogate.

As an intended parent, you will know how important your surrogate is to your family-building process. What you may not expect, however, is just how close you will become with her throughout your year or more of the surrogacy process.

Surrogacy is a partnership, and many intended parents and surrogates create a genuine relationship during this time that extends long beyond the birth of the baby. You may even create a lifelong friendship with your surrogate. This is a totally normal — and wonderful — outcome of the surrogacy journey.

10. You may have to explain your surrogacy long after the process is complete.

Just because your child is born doesn’t mean that your surrogacy journey is over. Surrogacy is a lifelong process, and you will need to think about how you will explain your child’s birth story to them as they grow older, as well as how your surrogate may or may not be involved in their life.

Even long after your child is born, you may find yourself explaining their birth story to friends, family and strangers, or being asked questions that have to be explained with your surrogacy story. Having pride in this story is important; you can’t simply pretend your surrogacy didn’t happen once your baby is born. And who would want to?

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If you’re an intended parent who is either in the middle of or has completed the surrogacy process, what do you wish you had known, or what do you still want to know? Comment on this post, connect through Instagram or contact a surrogacy specialist today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) to learn more.

Taking Surrogacy Delivery Photos — What to Know

If you’re considering surrogacy as a way to build your family, you’ve probably come across beautiful photos of intended parents and surrogates sharing in the delivery experience together. Just as women giving birth to their own children hire photographers to capture this life-changing moment, intended parents whose child is being born via surrogate also use this method to commemorate the moment they’ve been waiting for forever.

But, you may wonder: What is the process of delivery photos like when the woman giving birth is not the mother, and how do you suggest this to your surrogate, who is already giving so much to help you reach your parenthood dreams?

Fortunately, most surrogates will be thrilled at the idea of having delivery photos taken. Having already had children themselves, they will understand how important this moment is and, more than likely, will be completely on board with this process.

Why Delivery Photos Can Be So Special

If you have not yet started the surrogacy process or been matched with a surrogate, the idea of taking photos of another woman giving birth to your child may seem odd and even intrusive. But surrogacy delivery photos are much more than that.

Photos taken during the time that your surrogate gives birth will capture everyone involved in the process — not only her but also you, your spouse (if applicable), your surrogate’s spouse and your doctor. Surrogacy is a partnership, and delivery photos of a surrogate pregnancy capture that relationship perfectly.

By the time your surrogate gives birth, she will not be a stranger. Instead, she will likely be a close friend who you have created a genuine relationship with. Therefore, the intimate photos taken during delivery will seem natural. They will capture that unique relationship you have and both your and your surrogate’s emotions while she is giving birth.

For many intended parents, these photos are priceless, no matter who is the one giving birth — you are all working toward the same end goal.

How to Broach This Idea to Your Surrogate

Whether you know you want delivery photos taken when you first start your surrogacy process, or whether it’s an idea that you have during your surrogate’s pregnancy, it’s important that you discuss this openly and honestly with your surrogate. After all, the photos will feature her as much as you, and she will need to be comfortable with this process before you start scheduling a photographer for her delivery.

If you know you want surrogacy delivery photos early on, this can be discussed in your contract when you initially match with a surrogate. However, if you are unsure of how to bring this topic up after you have been matched with a surrogate, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy can help mediate a discussion of this idea.

Your specialist can also offer suggestions on how to make the process as comfortable as possible for all involved. As intended parents, you will be responsible for the costs of hiring a photographer for the delivery, and you’ll need to speak with them and your surrogate to create a photography plan that everyone is comfortable with.

As mentioned before, most surrogates will be happy to have delivery photos taken — but taking the time to ask her about her preferences and her comfort level before moving forward will mean a lot to her. If your surrogate is uncomfortable with this idea, you should never try to pressure or force her into changing her mind.

A Note to Surrogates

If you are a surrogate who is interested in delivery photos at the hospital, your situation is a bit more unique than if an intended parent suggested this idea to you. While you will be included in any surrogacy delivery photos, you will need to be respectful in suggesting this idea to your intended parents — as they have just as much say in the decision as you.

If you have a good relationship with your intended parents, you may suggest this idea in a light-hearted and no-obligation way. If you are unsure of how to suggest this to your intended parents, your surrogacy specialist can always help mediate this conversation. You may even suggest splitting the fee of a photographer at the hospital if these photos are incredibly important to you.

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As always, remember that both intended parents and surrogates have a say in this process, just like with shooting maternity photos. By respecting each other’s wishes and determining what you are both comfortable with, you can come up with a plan for photography at the hospital that produces photos you will cherish forever.

If you’d like, you can even share your photos on our Instagram page. Your photos and the story they tell may be the bit of encouragement some other intended parent out there needs to see today.

To learn more about how the delivery process works for a surrogate pregnancy, please contact our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) today.

5 Things Everyone Should Know About Male Factor Infertility

When it comes to babies, family-building, adoption and surrogacy, the conversation tends to revolve around women. It’s easy to assume that because mothers are the ones carrying the pregnancy, they are also the ones who care most about having children — and, when efforts to conceive naturally fail, it’s easy to assume that women are the ones with the fertility problem.

But the truth is that male factor infertility plays a role in 30 to 50 percent of infertility cases, according to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), and it can be just as emotionally challenging to overcome as female infertility.

If male infertility has played a role on your path to surrogacy, you’re not alone. To open up the conversation about male factor infertility, here are five important things everyone should know about the condition:

1. There are many different causes of male infertility.

There are many factors that can contribute to male factor infertility. According to RESOLVE, the national infertility association, some common causes include:

A blockage or other structural abnormality that affects the flow of sperm
Low sperm count or quality caused by a sperm production disorder
Ejaculatory issues that prevent the sperm from ever reaching the egg
Immunologic disorders that prevent fertilization
Azoospermia, a condition in which the testicles do not produce any sperm
Obstructive azoospermia, in which sperm is produced but blocked by an obstruction
And more

Some of these infertility issues are caused by underlying health problems, like hormonal imbalances. Prior surgeries and radiation from cancer treatments can also damage reproductive organs and sperm.

2. Seeing a doctor should always be your first step.

If you and your partner have been trying to conceive for one year without success, it’s time to see a doctor about possible infertility issues. Both partners should schedule a consult and have a workup done to determine the potential cause of their infertility (and identify any other underlying health issues). Of course, you should also always see a doctor if you notice any lumps, swelling, pain or other abnormalities affecting the groin area.

Some men are reluctant to take this step, but when it comes to your reproductive health, it’s important to be proactive. Seeing a doctor is the only way to get to the bottom of what’s causing your fertility problems — and to make a plan for how to move forward. Your doctor will assess your medical history and perform a semen analysis and other medical tests to diagnose your fertility problems.

3. There are options for overcoming male infertility.

With rapid advances in reproductive medicine and technology, there are now more options available to couples struggling with infertility than ever before. Depending on the type and cause of your infertility, there are several courses of treatment your doctor may recommend, from in vitro fertilization (IVF) to sperm washing and intrauterine insemination.

There are also more family-building options today than ever before. If fertility treatments aren’t right for you, you might consider other family-building options, like surrogacy or adoption. While it’s important to remember that these options are not “cures” for infertility, they will allow you to finally bring home the child that you’ve dreamed about for so long.

4. Male infertility can have emotional implications.

Just like for women, an infertility diagnosis and treatment can be an emotional rollercoaster for men — even if they’re not willing to admit it. Society often links manliness and fertility, which can lead men to experience shock, anger, sadness, guilt and low self-esteem following a male factor infertility diagnosis.

Talking about these feelings can be difficult, but it’s important to acknowledge the emotional pain of infertility in order to fully heal and move forward with your family-building journey. Infertility counseling may help you in coming to terms with your infertility diagnosis, communicating with your partner and deciding what steps to take next.

Sometimes it helps to know you are not alone- you can connect with the surrogacy community through our Instagram.

5. Infertility isn’t one partner’s problem.

Whether you’re dealing with male factor, female factor, unexplained or combined infertility issues, this condition doesn’t just affect one partner — it affects both of you. Pinpointing the cause of your issues to male factor infertility isn’t about “blaming” one partner; it’s about getting to the root of the problem so you can move forward with the family-building option that’s right for both of you.

Remember to communicate openly with your partner and support each other through this journey. It takes two (or more) to build a family, so you should both be on the same page when it comes to the next steps following an infertility diagnosis.

If you are considering surrogacy as a family-building option, or if you would like to learn more about moving from infertility to surrogacy, contact us today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).