10 Ways for Intended Parents to “Nest” During Their Surrogate’s Pregnancy

Waiting for your baby to be born is a stressful activity for any parent. But, when you’re an intended parent whose baby is being carried by someone else, it can be even harder. It’s normal to feel like you’re missing out on crucial bonding time in-utero — but that doesn’t mean your prep to be a parent starts the moment your surrogate goes into labor.

As an intended parent, you may find you have just as much of an urge to “nest,” or prepare for your baby’s arrival, as any other expectant parent. And don’t ignore it! This urge is a biological instinct that helps expectant parents prepare a safe and secure place for their baby to live after birth. Of course, you don’t have the dangers of the wild to prepare for — just the ups and downs of your future parenthood journey.

If you’re feeling a bit stuck when it comes to your “nesting” instinct, don’t worry. We’ve gathered some helpful suggestions here to help you get started. Whether you feel the urge to nest or not, following these steps can help you feel more bonded to your parenting experience and your future child.

When your little one does arrive, you’ll feel that much more prepared.

1. Clean your house!

Want a clean slate to start preparing for your baby? Embrace the urge to scrub down every last surface, replace old bedding and clothing, and clean everything within an inch of its life.

It’s all a natural part of the process. During the nesting period, expectant parents want their living space to look and feel like home for their upcoming baby. It can help you take control during a time in your life where you have little of it (intended parents waiting for the call from their surrogate can certainly relate).

2. Baby-proof everything.

If you haven’t already, check off that baby-proof list. Babies are notoriously curious; if you don’t take the proper precautions, they can find themselves in dangerous spots around the house before you even know they’re gone.

Baby-proofing your space can give you a peace of mind you may be lacking during the last few weeks of your surrogate’s pregnancy. While there’s not much you can do during your baby’s development in utero, you can certainly ensure they will be safe and taken care of when you bring them home.

3. Set up the nursery.

Haven’t set up the nursery yet? What are you waiting for?

This can be one of the most exciting nesting activities for intended parents. The room is physical proof that, after all this time, you are finally going to have a baby. Go crazy with your decorating, and make sure you purchase all of the supplies you’ll need for your newborn, too.

4. Take parenting classes.

Parenting classes are never a bad idea, especially when you include important information such as baby CPR and first aid basics. You may be worried about what kind of parent you’ll be (as most new parents do), and a parenting class can help you feel more prepared ahead of your baby’s birth. Sure, parenting will always have a learning curve, but these classes are a great place to start.

5. Spend time with your partner (if applicable).

Surrogacy can be a stressful process and, if you’re not careful, it can alienate you from your loved ones. If you’re going through this journey with a spouse, don’t forget to lean on each other and enjoy your last few months as a couple. Try to plan a few date nights and spend some quality time with each other. They will be much harder to come by when you have a newborn demanding your attention 24/7.

6.  Create a surrogacy memory book.

Another good way to spend your surrogate’s last trimester? Creating a surrogacy memory book! This can look however you want it to, but many intended parents choose to include photos of and letters from a gestational surrogate, as well as typical baby milestones such as a first ultrasound, footprints and more.

Making a baby book will not only keep you busy, but it will give you a head start on explaining your child’s birth story to them. As they grow up, you can refer back to this surrogacy memory book to normalize and explain your family’s surrogacy journey.

7. Talk with your gestational carrier.

We don’t think you will, but we have to make sure you don’t forget one of the stars of the show — your gestational carrier!

If you’re struggling to create a bond with your unborn child, your surrogate should be able to help. She can give you all the details you want to know about her pregnancy and how the baby is developing. She can share with you pictures and ultrasounds and, if convenient, you can plan dates to catch up and try to feel the child moving in her stomach.

Staying in touch with your gestational carrier is also practical; it gives you updated information on when you can expect your baby to be born, so you’re not completely unprepared when you get the call that she’s heading to the hospital.

8. Research childcare options.

If you haven’t already, you should make a plan for what you will do in the months after the baby is born. It’s normal to get caught up in the immediate post-birth planning, but don’t forget that you (or your spouse) will likely need to return to work at some point — and someone will need to watch your child when you do.

There are a lot of good options for childcare today, but it takes time to find the right fit for your family. Don’t procrastinate on this important step.

9. Pack your hospital bag.

When your surrogate tells you it’s time, the last thing you want to be doing is frantically running around the house, throwing together your hospital bag. So, as soon as your surrogate enters her third trimester, put together a bag for the hospital stay. Include necessities such as a going-home outfit, diapers and toiletries for you, too. Don’t forget to keep your surrogacy birth plan in mind, and pack accordingly.

10. Lean on your surrogacy specialist.

Nesting can be an emotional process, but remember that your surrogacy specialist will always be here to help.

At American Surrogacy, we understand how involved the surrogacy process can be. We know you might also experience complicated emotions along the way. That’s why our specialists are happy to talk to you anytime when you call us at 1-800-875-BABY(2229). They can always answer your questions and offer suggestions to help you feel more connected to your surrogacy journey. Anything you need, they’ll be there.

Want to learn more about becoming a parent through gestational surrogacy? Contact our specialists today.

Want to hear more about parenthood through surrogacy? Check out our Instagram to hear from other intended parents who have been able to live out their dreams of becoming parents.

Can You Be a Surrogate if You Are Absolutely Against Termination?

If you didn’t already know, gestational surrogacy often involves complicated medical procedures. Selective reduction and termination of embryos can frequently be a part of the medical process.

But, what if you are wholeheartedly against the termination of embryos? Can you still be a surrogate and help create a family?

It’s a bit complicated. We encourage any prospective surrogate in this situation to call our specialists at 1-800-875-BABY(2229) for more information. They will discuss with you the possibilities of surrogacy without these procedures and help you determine whether it’s really the right path for you.

In the meantime, learn more about the basics of this kind of journey below.

Can You Be a Surrogate if You are Against Termination and Selective Reduction?

While selective reduction and termination is possible in any given gestational surrogacy journey, these procedures aren’t necessarily completed in every medical process. So, if you are considering being a surrogate — but you’re completely against any kind of termination or selective reduction — there may be a path ahead for you.

The majority of intended parents want a pregnancy with the best chance of success. That often includes accepting the possibility of selective reduction or termination, especially if a fetus develops abnormally or has a condition that makes life outside of the womb impossible. To have the best chance at a healthy child, these intended parents determine exactly in which situations they are comfortable using these procedures.

If you’re a surrogate, you’ll have a say in these situations, as well. If you know you will never be comfortable with termination or selective reduction in any situation, it’s a good idea to speak with a surrogacy professional soon. They can determine whether or not there is a path available for you.

How Your Views May Affect Your Wait for a Match

The good news is that there are intended parents out there who share your views — who are totally against selective reduction and termination, no matter what.

The bad news? It will likely take you much longer to match with intended parents with these views, as they are rare to find.

As mentioned above, many intended parents recognize the important purpose that selective reduction and termination can play in the surrogacy process. While they may be open to creating a contract that details situations in which neither of these procedures may be used, they may be more hesitant to match with a surrogate who is dead-set against both procedures, no matter the circumstances — just in case of the worst.

If you are 100 percent against selective reduction and termination, regardless of the circumstances, it’s important to be honest with your surrogacy professional (and intended parents) from the start. Only that way will you find a partner who shares your views. Your surrogacy professional might have to expand the search beyond their network, or you may find better luck searching for intended parents independently.

Therefore, talking to a surrogacy professional is the best way to learn what to expect from this kind of journey.You can also connect online to other surrogates for support and second opinions.

How to Protect Your Beliefs and Rights During the Process

Remember: As a surrogate, you are an active participant in the surrogacy process. You should never feel forced into a journey you are uncomfortable with, which means you should clearly identify all of your needs and preferences — not just your thoughts on selective reduction and termination.

However, your opinions on these procedures can make a big difference in the journey ahead of you.

There are two main ways you can ensure your beliefs and rights are respected when you become a surrogate:

  1. Be honest about your desires. The last thing any intended parent or surrogate wants is to enter a surrogacy agreement under pretense. You may feel that agreeing to these procedures in certain circumstances is fine; you may doubt that situation ever comes to be, and your beliefs won’t be tested. But, this is a terrible thing to do. What would you do if that situation were to occur? You would need to adhere to your contract, which means following through with a procedure you believe to be wrong. Save yourself and the intended parents the heartache by being honest about your desires from the beginning — even if it means you’ll wait longer for a match.
  2. Don’t let a professional force you into a decision you’re uncomfortable with. As a surrogate, you always have the right to work with the professional you feel is right for you. So, don’t let a professional try to change your mind on selective reduction or termination if you have strong contrary beliefs. They may try to sway you with shorter wait times or try to convince you that you will never find a match with these requirements, but stand strong. After all, is it worth pursuing a surrogacy journey that you will be unhappy with and ashamed of?

We know selective reduction and termination can be a sensitive topic in any surrogacy journey. That’s why we encourage you to contact our specialists anytime for more information. They can help you understand the logistics of your decision and choose the path that is best for your desires moving forward.

5 Tips for Talking to Family About Surrogacy: Surrogates

When it comes to the holiday season, nothing can be as fun as catching up with loved ones you haven’t seen in a while. But, when you’ve recently made the decision to become a surrogate, these family gatherings can hold another purpose — telling your family about your upcoming surrogacy journey.

But, how do you casually drop into conversation that you’re going to become a gestational carrier?

American Surrogacy is always here to help. When you work with our agency, you can always prepare for these conversations with the help of your surrogacy specialist. In the meantime, check out some tips to prepare yourself below.

1. Clear up misconceptions about surrogacy.

First, you should remember that not everyone is as well-versed in the surrogacy process as you are. You’ve likely spent a great deal of time researching gestational surrogacy before you applied with an agency. Remember the confusion and misconceptions you had before? Your loved ones probably have similar thoughts.

If you are planning to share your news with family, you should be prepared to educate them about the process. Don’t just drop your news casually into your conversation; follow it up with a basic explanation of what this journey will mean for you. Explain that you and the intended parents were fully screened before starting, that you will be compensated for your services, and that the baby you will carry will not be related to you.

A basic understanding of the process will go a long way to helping your loved ones get excited about your announcement.

2. Explain your reasoning for becoming a surrogate.

Many times, when surrogates share their news with family members, they are met with the same response: “Why didn’t you tell us you were financially struggling? We could have helped!”

Unfortunately, many people unfamiliar with the surrogacy process believe women choose this path only for the compensation. It’s a myth that persists, despite education otherwise. You can play an important role in teaching your loved ones about the reality of your situation.

Be confident in explaining your reasoning for this path. Talk about your love of motherhood and how you want to help someone else experience that. Mention how much you love being pregnant and how you want to use your healthy uterus to aid someone who can’t have a child on their own.

3. Give your loved ones a chance to ask questions.

When you share your surrogacy announcement at a family get-together, you’ll be able to answer many of our loved ones’ questions at the same time. It can save you from having to answer the same questions over and over again if you tell everyone individually.

However, keep in mind that you may receive some insensitive and ignorant comments and questions during this conversation. It will be likely be stuff that you’ve heard before and will continue to hear, so prepare yourself by doing your research.

Your surrogacy specialist can help by listing some of the most common responses you may get. She can also provide answers that you have ready-to-go when these questions inevitably come up.

4. Protect your intended parents’ privacy.

Some of the questions you get from your family and friends will likely be about the intended parents you’re carrying for. They are naturally curious about the family you are helping to create; in a way, they may seem like extended family to your loved ones.

While their interest is a sweet sentiment, your intended parents’ privacy should always come first. We encourage surrogates to talk with their intended parents prior to sharing news with family members. That way, they can both come up with a list of details they are comfortable telling others. The last thing you want is to break your intended parents’ trust by sharing private information with others.

Don’t be afraid to lean on the old “My surrogacy contract doesn’t let me talk about that” line if your family members won’t stop asking about details you’re uncomfortable sharing.

5. Share only what you’re comfortable with.

And, on that note, think hard about this conversation with family before you have it. What are you willing to tell them? Which details do they need not know?

What you decide to share during this conversation is entirely up to you. Surrogacy is an exciting journey but it is also an intimate one. While you may want to share your announcement with family members, you may not want to share every detail – and that’s OK. Your loved ones should understand and support you, no matter what.

We know the holiday season can heighten family relationships and get-togethers. So, whether you’re dreading or looking forward to this conversation about surrogacy, know that your surrogacy specialist is here to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out today to prepare for sharing your surrogacy news.

You can even share your news to our Instagram community, when you’re ready.

5 Tips for Talking to Your Family About Surrogacy: Intended Parents

The holiday season — a time of family reunions, good food, and catching up after months or years apart.

As much as we love our families there’s one thing we can agree upon — sometimes, they can be a bit nosy. It makes sense; they haven’t seen you in a while, and they want to know what’s going on in your life. But, when you’re an intended parent, you often can’t easily just drop “surrogacy” into a conversation and move onto the next topic.

You may be a bit overwhelmed about the potential surrogacy conversations awaiting you during the holidays. How can you share your surrogacy news without having to answer the same questions and address the same comments over and over again?

Your surrogacy specialist can always help you prepare for these conversations when you call them at 1-800-875-BABY(2229). In the meantime, we’ve created this guide to help you make the most of your family gatherings this holiday season.

1. Only share what you are comfortable sharing.

The first rule of talking about surrogacy with family members? That you are always in charge of the amount of information you want to share.

Surrogacy is an exciting journey, to be sure, but it can also be a very private one. You and your surrogate are taking a path together that few people do. It’s a journey that you will both remember for the rest of your life. It also requires trust in each other, as you will participate in intimate procedures together.

The exact details of your surrogacy journey may be something you want to keep in between you and your surrogate — or, you may be excited to share them with family and friends. The decision will always be up to you. Consider talking to your surrogate prior to the holidays to create a plan of what you will both share with loved ones.

Don’t let any family members or friends try to pressure you into sharing information you’re not comfortable with. If all else fails, falling back on the old “I’ve signed a privacy contract and can’t discuss anything more” should put a pause on your loved ones’ questions.

2. Keep your cool.

Surrogacy can be a complicated topic for many people, especially those who have no experience in or prior knowledge of how it works. When you choose to share details of your family-building journey with your loved ones, you may or may not get the reaction you are hoping for. Either way, you should be prepared for the next steps.

If your family members react negatively to your news, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that this is not their choice to make and that the only one you need to answer to will be your future child. You have to do what is right for you.

Think about what you’ll do if someone questions your decision or responds negatively. Do you have a way to change the topic quickly? Are you comfortable saying something like, “I appreciate your concern, but we’ve already made our decision, and nothing you say will change it”? Talk to your surrogacy specialist for more tips for unsupportive family and friends.

3. Show your pride in your decision.

In many cases, your friends and family will mirror your own emotions about surrogacy. So, if they see you are excited and proud of this path you are taking, they will likely feel the same way. They may have their misgivings about the surrogacy process, but when they see you are so thrilled about this family-building process, they will be excited for you.

While friends and family may be saddened about your path to this decision, especially if you’ve dealt with infertility, try to put a brave face on and tell them everything happens for a reason. Yes, your infertility journey was difficult, but if you can look at it with a positive view, they might, too.

4. Be prepared to answer questions and explain your decision.

Not everyone will be as well-versed in the surrogacy process as you. So, when you announce you are following this path, you should be ready to explain exactly what surrogacy is and how it will work. You’ll likely want to clear up any misconceptions about the process. Explain that your surrogate is heavily screened before being approved, that she will get compensated for her services, and that your baby will not be genetically related to her.

It’s a good idea to research the commonly asked questions about surrogacy so you are prepared with the right answers before this conversation.

5. Set expectations and boundaries early on.

It can be a good idea to prime your loved ones on your surrogacy decision before you even meet in person. That way, you can let them know what aspects of the journey you are comfortable talking about – and save yourself from being bombarded as soon as you walk through the door.

Consider sending out a mass email or text: “Hi, everyone! We’re excited to see you at dinner, and we have some exciting news: We’re pursuing surrogacy! We’re happy to answer your questions when we see you, but please keep in mind we cannot talk about (our surrogate/compensation and finances/etc.) per our surrogacy agreement. We look forward to seeing you!”

Not only will this heads-up help your loved ones process your news, but it gives them time to look into surrogacy and complete some basic research, if they so desire.

Want more tips on sharing your news with your loved ones? Contact your surrogacy specialist today.

Can You Be a Surrogate if You Have a Family Member with Disabilities?

Surrogates come from all different types of life circumstances — and why shouldn’t they? The desire to help another person become a parent is one that transcends all demographics, and it’s an admirable choice for every woman who follows this path.

If you are thinking of becoming a surrogate, you probably have a lot of questions about your eligibility. And, if you’ve come to this article, you are probably asking a big one: Can I be a surrogate if my spouse or child has mental or physical disabilities?

There are some important considerations to make with this kind of situation, but it’s not an automatic disqualifier for your surrogacy dreams.

People from all kinds of different backgrounds are able to become surrogates, and many share their unique experiences online.

We’d encourage you to contact our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-BABY(2229) for more information. Our team will be happy to evaluate your situation and answer your questions to help you make the best decision for your family.

In the meantime, if your spouse or child has disabilities, here are a few things you’ll want to consider before moving forward with the surrogacy process:

The Amount of Care Your Family Member Needs

As you probably know, there is a lot of variation when it comes to the severity of disabilities. Ultimately, your ability to become a surrogate will depend on the severity your family is affected by your family member’s special needs.

Being a surrogate requires a lot of time and energy. You will need to attend regular doctor’s appointments and maintain a relationship with your intended parents. And don’t forget how difficult pregnancy can be — you should be prepared to be more physically exhausted than normal during those nine months.

So, how will your family member’s disabilities impact your pregnancy?

It all depends on how much your family member relies on you in their day-to-day life. If their disabilities are minimal, and they can mostly take care of themselves independently, their condition likely won’t cause problems in your surrogacy journey. However, if your daily routine involves 24/7 care (including physically moving or restraining your family member), pregnancy will make those responsibilities much harder.

In general, the more severe your family member’s disabilities, the less likely you will be able to become a surrogate. While your desire to help another family is generous, your own family must always come first.

How Intended Parents May Feel About Your Situation

As you consider the surrogacy journey, remember that intended parents have a say, too. Intended parents are able to choose the surrogate candidate they are comfortable with, and that includes a home environment where their unborn baby will be safe and well cared for.

Understandably, a surrogate whose family member has disabilities may give them pause. They may be concerned about the safety of a surrogate’s pregnancy if she is physically and emotionally caring for her child 24/7. They might also worry about the stability of the household; for example, abrupt changes in a chronic medical condition can put a lot of financial and emotional stress on a family. To have this happen during a surrogate pregnancy would be overwhelming for all involved.

If you are eligible to be a surrogate but care for a child or spouse with special needs, your surrogacy specialist will always be honest about your situation with prospective intended parents. You should be prepared to answer questions from the intended parents about your plans for family care during your journey (more on that below) and how you plan to commit yourself to the surrogacy process with your other obligations.

Finding intended parents to work with may take a little longer but, if you are approved through our agency, our surrogacy specialists will work with you to find the perfect match, however long it takes.

What Preparations You’ll Need to Make

If you are eligible for the surrogacy process and understand the extra requirements of choosing this path with a disabled family member, your surrogacy specialist will be there to help. Before you can be matched with intended parents and create a legal surrogacy contract, you will need to make a plan for your upcoming surrogacy journey.

Because of your unique situation, you will need to consider how your spouse or child with disabilities will get the care they need during your pregnancy. As a surrogate, you will need to be committed to the partnership with intended parents; you can’t be solely focusing on your family member when you’re carrying someone else’s baby.

So, before you get started, you and your surrogacy specialist will make a plan based on these questions:

  • Who will care for your spouse or child when you attend doctor’s appointments?
  • What will happen if you are placed on bedrest during the last few months of your pregnancy?
  • Who will care for your family member if you have to travel overnight to the intended parents’ fertility clinic?
  • What steps will you take if your family member has a health scare during your surrogacy journey?
  • Who will take over your personal responsibilities when pregnancy makes it difficult or dangerous to carry them out?
  • Who will be your support system should you need last-minute assistance?

Just because your family member has certain disabilities doesn’t mean you are automatically disqualified from surrogacy. To find out if gestational surrogacy is right for, please reach out to our specialists today.

Grief and Loss: A Common Thread for Alternatively Created Families

When it comes to adding a child to a family, many hopeful parents look forward to the day when they see that positive pregnancy test. They dream about going through every up and down of the pregnancy process and being a part of the beautiful delivery journey bringing their little one into the world.

But, for many hopeful parents, having a child is not that easy. They may find themselves dealing with unknown fertility issues — a hard journey full of medications, doctors and schedules. After months or years of this, many hopeful parents choose another, alternative way to build their families.

It’s often not the path that intended parents originally wanted but, for many, it’s the only way they can build their family.

Here at American Surrogacy, we’re very familiar with the grief and loss that many intended parents go through before coming to our agency. Choosing an alternative family-building method can be an emotionally exhausting journey. Fortunately, our specialists are knowledgeable of both the gestational surrogacy and adoption processes (thanks to our sister agency, American Adoptions), but we know that it can still be a tough decision for many.

That’s why we’re here to support you every day. We know infertility loss is an experience that stays with hopeful parents forever, even after they’ve successfully created their families.

We recognize that there are many kinds of pregnancy and infant loss that affect parents all over the world. In this blog post, we’ll specifically tackle the experiences that many families created through surrogacy and adoption go through. You can also connect to families like yours through our Instagram.

The Prevalence of Infertility

Infertility and pregnancy loss is surprisingly still a taboo subject for many to discuss, but these are topics that affect more people than you may know.

You are not alone in experiencing infertility or pregnancy or infant loss. In fact, 1 in 8 couples (or 12 percent of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. This leads to 11.9 percent of women receiving infertility services during their lifetime.

Although it is rarely discussed, pregnancy loss is common, too. About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s a common experience, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The Isolating Effects of Infertility and Pregnancy Loss

Even though these situations are so common, they are still isolating experiences. For many reasons, they continue to be taboo topics — circumstances to be borne quietly and on your own.

Many intended parents feel ashamed of their pregnancy loss and infertility, even though it’s not their fault. With so many of their family and friends (seemingly) getting pregnant with no troubles, they often feel like no one understands the struggles they go through. This can dissuade them from sharing their experience with others. And, thus, begins the self-fulfilling prophecy: No one talks about infertility, so those who experience it are less likely to share their experience, and on it goes.

Even when a family chooses an alternative method to build their family, the isolation and sense of “difference” doesn’t go away. While adoption and surrogacy are wonderful ways to bring a child into a family, they are still viewed as “alternative” ways to build their family. The processes invite questions from friends and family members, and many intended parents are made to feel like their family is not “normal” because of these paths.

Infertility loss leading to adoption or surrogacy is not something that just affects parents; it affects children, too. Adoptees and children born through surrogacy are also subjected to questions and comments from friends, family members and peers about the way they came to be with their parents. Even when children are instilled with a sense of pride in their birth story, it can be tough to answer the same insensitive questions and be made to feel “other” because they were not brought into a family in a traditional way.

Ways to Cope with Emotions of Infertility and Pregnancy Loss

While infertility and pregnancy loss can be a lifetime journey, it’s not one that you have to suffer through alone. There are many ways that you can cope with the emotions you have, but it’s up to you to determine which methods are best for you and your spouse.

To help you through this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, here are a few options to consider:

  • Talking with an infertility counselor: If you haven’t already, talking with an infertility counselor can help you and your spouse move forward from your experiences in a positive way. An infertility counselor can help you choose an alternative family-building method and prepare you for the ups and downs of the path that you choose.
  • Sharing your experiences with others: While your friends and family may not understand what you are going through, there are plenty of others who do. See if your fertility clinic or infertility counselor can connect you with local infertility support groups. There, you can share your emotions with those who have been in your shoes.
  • Taking time for yourself: Infertility and pregnancy loss emotions can be overwhelming. Sometimes, it’s best to try to forget about them for a bit by indulging in some self-care. Take yourself and your spouse out on a date night, go for a walk or run in nature, or simply watch that movie you’ve been dying to see. Remember: You are more than just your infertility struggles.
  • Talking with your surrogacy specialist: If you are pursuing the surrogacy process with our agency, our specialists will always be here to support you. Whether that’s answering questions about the next steps in your journey or simply needing a shoulder to lean on, we are here to help. Don’t hesitate to call us anytime at 1-800-875-BABY(2229) to get the support you need.

7 Questions You May Get from Your Kids When You’re a Surrogate — And How to Answer Them

When you’re considering becoming a gestational carrier, you may be unsure of how your children will respond to your news. You may be hopeful that they will share your excitement to help bring a child into the world — but explaining to them that child is not their sibling can get a bit confusing.

Don’t worry, because American Surrogacy is here to help. When you work with our agency, our surrogacy specialists can help you prepare for this conversation with tips and suggestions. We know having the support of your entire immediate family is important — kids included.

Remember, you can always talk to your surrogacy specialist anytime by calling her at 1-800-875-BABY(2229). But, in the meantime, here are some common questions you might get from your child during your surrogacy journey — and how to respond to them in an age-appropriate way.

1. “What is surrogacy?”

This will likely be the first question you receive from your child as you inform them of your surrogacy decision. Your answer will vary based on your child’s understanding of the reproductive process and how much information you want to give them.

Our suggestion? Try something short and simple. Most children will accept complicated concepts easily; over-explaining might only make things worse.

“Surrogacy is a way that Mommy can help someone else become parents. The people who I’m working with really want to have a baby, but they can’t because the mom’s tummy is broken/the dad(s) can’t carry a baby like I can. So, they’re going to make the baby themselves, and put it in Mommy’s tummy until the baby is old enough to be born. Then, the baby will go home with his or her parents!”

2. “Why can’t the baby be in their mommy’s tummy?”

Infertility can be a tough conversation for any adult to have. Explaining it to children can be easier or harder, depending on your child’s level of understanding.

“Sometimes, some women’s tummies don’t work the way Mommy’s does. They want really badly to be pregnant with their baby, but sometimes they need a little help from people like me.”

On the other hand, if you are carrying for an LGBT couple or a single man, you can take this opportunity to explain to your child about alternative ways people build families, if they can’t conceive naturally:

“You know how I’ve told you how people who want a baby very much can have one together? They don’t have to be just a mom and a dad. I’m carrying for two men who really want to have a baby, but they don’t have a woman to be pregnant for their baby. So, I volunteered!”

Similarly, you can say: “Even though the dad I’m carrying for hasn’t found someone to have a baby with, he still wants to be a dad very badly. So, I’m stepping in to help him! The doctors take a little bit from him and from another woman to make the baby, and the baby will live in my tummy until they are strong enough to go home.”

3. “Will the baby be my brother/sister?”

It can be complicated to explain in vitro fertilization and genetics to young children. As awkward as it may be, keep in mind that openness with your children about the reproductive process is proven to be much better than using euphemisms. Try to explain this process in an age-appropriate way, like so:

“No, the baby will not be your sibling. See, in surrogacy, doctors take a little bit from the woman who wants to be a mom and a little bit from the man who wants to be a dad. They put it together to make a baby, and they put that tiny baby inside of me. I’m just a babysitter; I’ll carry them until they’re big and strong enough to go home with their parents!”

4. “Why can’t the baby stay with us?”

If you’ve done your proper work to educate your child, they will understand that the baby you’re carrying is not your sibling — and will go home with their parents after birth. But that doesn’t mean you won’t get some pushback from your child if they really want a sibling. So, be honest with them:

“Your mom/dad and I decided that our family is complete the way it is! We just want to give all of our love to you (and your siblings)! The baby’s parents are very excited for him/her to come home; I’m just helping out by babysitting for a little bit.”

5. “Will you give me up like you’re giving this baby up?”

Sometimes, the idea of surrogacy can make your older children jealous. Knowing that you are not keeping the baby you carry, they may wonder if the same will happen to them. Reassure them with love and empathy:

“Of course not! Your mom/dad and I love you very much. We wanted you just as badly as these parents want their baby. I’m just babysitting until this little one is ready to go home. While I love them, I love them like I love your friends. At the end of the day, you’re my child, and I’m going to always be your mom and love you very much.”

6. “Will I get to meet the baby?”

Before answering this question, it’s important that you talk with the intended parents. Most intended parents would be thrilled about letting your children meet their child; after all, it can be tough for a child to visualize the end of the surrogacy process without seeing it firsthand.

If it will be too complicated for your child to meet the baby you’re carrying, offer some alternatives:

“You know, I don’t know if that will be possible, but I’ll tell you what — why don’t you and I put together something for the baby when he/she goes home? How about drawing a picture, writing a letter or picking out a special toy?”

Following these steps can help your child work through their feelings and bring a sense of conclusion to the surrogacy process.

7. “I hate the baby! Why can’t they just go home with their parents now?”

While some children can get too attached to the child in their mother’s bellies, others go the other direction. It’s totally normal for children of surrogates to feel jealousy and other conflicting emotions about the intended parents’ baby. After all, they are likely seeing less of their mother as she attends to her surrogacy duties — and that can be jarring for a child who has never experienced that before.

If your child lashes out or expresses negative emotions about the intended parents’ baby, you need to quickly and seriously tell them their anger is not appropriate.

“Listen to me: Hate is a very strong word. Are you sure you mean that? Or are you just upset that the baby is taking up more of my time than you’re used to? Remember, as soon as the baby is strong enough, he/she will be going home with their parents, and I’ll be all yours again. In the meantime, remember that it’s our job to keep this baby safe and loved — and I will not tolerate any kind of comment like this again, do you understand?

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At first, kids and surrogacy can seem complicated — but many of our gestational carriers have successfully navigated this journey with the support of all of their immediate family.

You can connect with other families on our Instagram.

Have more questions about explaining surrogacy to your kids or the surrogacy process in general? Reach out to your specialist anytime at 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

What to Consider Before Using a Family Member’s Gametes

Thinking about using a family member’s sperm or egg to create your embryos? It may seem like an easy and obvious solution in a long and complex journey to become a parent.

There are a number of reasons you might be considering partnering with a family member as part of the surrogacy process. Maybe:

  • you’d rather talk to someone you know and trust about an intimate genetic donation.
  • you hope that by using gametes from within the family gene pool, the baby will look more like the intended parents.
  • you want to cut costs by not having to pay gamete donor fees.
  • you worry about working with a donor you don’t know.

However, this type of gamete donation requires more thought than an outside-the-family donation. The Ethics Committee of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) advises that “programs that choose to participate in intra-familial arrangements should be prepared to spend additional time counseling participants and ensuring that they have made free, informed decisions.”

Fertility clinics and professionals such as American Surrogacy take extra care to educate people who are considering using a family member’s gametes as part of the surrogacy process. You can always contact our specialists anytime to learn more about this kind of surrogacy journey.

In the meantime, learn about a few unique aspects to this type of gamete donation.

Emotional Considerations

Gestational surrogacy and gamete donation within the family can be an intimate experience that brings family members closer together forever. But, despite the potential for benefits, these experiences can also be emotionally challenging and put strain on even the strongest family bonds.

Family members should be counseled about the ways in which gamete donation could affect their relationships, including how to prepare and work to preserve their bonds. The emotional implications of gamete donation should not be downplayed. Remember:

  • Your family relationships will be permanently changed.
  • The relationship of your child with some family members will change because of unique biological connections.
  • Existing insecurities, jealousies and tensions are often heightened, possibly permanently.

With proper counseling from a surrogacy professional, family members can decide if they’re ready for the benefits and challenges they may face with this specific type of gamete donation. They can also learn how to appropriately prepare themselves.

Financial Considerations

Using a family member’s donated gametes rather than selecting a donor from a cryobank, for example, may save you some time and money. This is one reason why intra-family gamete donation is often considered.

The costs of working with a donor through a gamete donor bank will vary, so ask your fertility clinic if they have an in-house gamete donor program or if they offer discounted rates when you work with a certain donor bank. Often, fertility clinics will have at least one donor bank that they frequently work with. They can provide advice about minimizing costs if you’re interested in that route.

If you do decide to work with a family member, remember that intended parents should cover the costs of the necessary procedures. This usually includes screening for health concerns, the cost of egg harvesting and the related fertility medications (if applicable), and more.

Legal Considerations

You already know and trust your family member, so why would you need to involve a lawyer?

The fact is many custody disputes in surrogacy occur when an extended family member is the biological parent of the child involved and the participants fail to receive proper legal counseling or contracts.

The ASRM recommends that “participants in these arrangements, including partners of donors and surrogates, should seek independent legal advice from attorneys with specific expertise in third-party reproduction to determine their legal rights and duties in entering into these relations.”

Surrogacy professionals, including American Surrogacy, also always encourage everyone involved in these arrangements to retain separate attorneys experienced in assisted reproduction law. Even when you’re entering into a donation agreement with a loved and trusted family member, it’s important that you establish a legally binding donor contract, just like you would with anyone else. This protects everyone involved (including the child) from future legal complications.

In family gamete donations, the donor is literally closer to home. Therefore, there should be additional discussions in the legal contract regarding inheritance, biology and the donor’s social role in the child’s life.

Always remember: Third-party reproduction laws vary by state and situation, so it’s even more necessary that you consult an experienced ART lawyer about this type of gamete donation, regardless of family ties.

The Takeaway

At first, using a family member’s gametes to create your embryos for surrogacy may seem like the obvious choice. But you should spend some time talking with an American Surrogacy professional about it to make sure that everyone involved is truly ready.

The ASRM agrees: “Providers should be prepared to spend more time screening and counseling participants compared to anonymous or unrelated known collaborative reproductive arrangements.” It goes on to say that, “Programs should strongly recommend that prospective participants, including partners of donors and surrogates, undergo psychological counseling by a professional experienced in surrogacy or gamete donation. These visits should focus attention on how participants will cope with the unique aspects of the proposed arrangement and on the consequences for the prospective child.”

American Surrogacy is equipped to talk to you and your family member about gamete donation, so you can mutually decide whether or not it’s right for you. If you decide against family member gamete donation, we can talk to you about finding a gamete donor from outside your family to help you complete your surrogacy journey.

Connect with other intended parents like you on our Instagram page.

Call us now at 1-800-875-BABY(2229) to learn more.

5 Support Tips for Spouses of Surrogates

When your spouse first told you of her plans to be a gestational carrier, you may have felt a lot of emotions. Now that she’s in the middle of her journey, you likely share her excitement – and you’re proud of her selfless decision to help create a family.

But, being the spouse of a surrogate can sometimes seem like a passive job. After all, she’s the one doing all the work, and you might have no idea what you can do to help out as she brings a miracle into the world.

Fortunately, American Surrogacy is here to help. Below, we’ve gathered a few tips for spouses of surrogates like yourself. Next time you find yourself wanting to help out your spouse during her gestational pregnancy, remember these suggestions:

#1: Make a Game Plan Early On.

The worst thing a spouse of a surrogate can do is wait until she is in the middle of her pregnancy to start helping her out. While your spouse will be the one carrying the intended parents’ child, her surrogacy journey will affect your entire family. You must all make a plan for this journey before you even get started.

When your spouse first mentions her desire to be a surrogate, you should sit down with her and think hard about how this journey will go. She won’t be able to handle her usual responsibilities at certain points, so how will you cover those as her spouse? Who will take care of your children while she attends doctor’s appointments? What would you both do if she were put on bedrest during the end of her pregnancy?

Your spouse’s surrogacy specialists can always assist you in this conversation, but it’s important that you and your spouse can make a plan that works best for your family as early as possible. That will make the journey ahead that much easier.

#2: Don’t Wait to Be Asked.

When a woman is a gestational carrier, she has a lot on her mind: maintaining a healthy pregnancy, cultivating a relationship with her intended parents, and taking care of her everyday responsibilities. She shouldn’t have to make her spouse a chore list, too.

As a spouse, you need to identify the areas in which your wife or girlfriend may need help. Don’t wait for her to ask you to do the dishes or cook dinner; take initiative and be the first to step in to handle those responsibilities.

Offering to help her with certain things – “I’ll take the kids to baseball practice” – instead of asking her what she needs help with will relieve some of her stress. She’ll be grateful.

#3: Take On Her Everyday Duties.

What exactly can you help your spouse with? Think hard about the everyday responsibilities she has a mother. Whatever tasks you typically see her do, take those on for yourself.

Remember that pregnancy is hard work; your spouse will likely be physically and emotionally exhausted at certain times in her journey. Give her the chance to relax by taking care of her duties before she gets home or starts them herself. It will be a pleasant – and welcome – surprise.

Not sure what your spouse usually handles? Ask your children; they will likely know exactly what responsibilities their mom handles in their everyday lives.

#4: Be There for Emotional Support, Too.

Supporting your spouse means more than just handling the practical details of a household and family. Pregnancy and surrogacy can be emotionally draining, even in the best situations, and your spouse will likely want someone to talk (or vent) to when she’s feeling overwhelmed.

It can be tempting to try to fix the situation that is making her upset, but your spouse is likely looking for validation – not solutions. Let her know you are happy to listen to her at any time, and emphasize with her emotions, even if you can’t relate to them. She likely just needs someone to lean on in the hard times and, once she’s worked through her emotions, she’ll probably be ready to move forward with a positive attitude.

#5: Be a Distraction From the Journey.

As much as your spouse is excited for her journey as a surrogate, there will be certain times where she wants a distraction. As great as surrogacy is, it can be overwhelming – and all surrogates reach a point where they want to go about their everyday life without including a conversation about surrogacy into everything they do.

If you can tell your spouse is stressed or overwhelmed, plan something to take her mind off of her troubles. A date night with a nice dinner and movie may be just what she needs. Remind her that, even though she is carrying someone else’s baby, she is still your spouse – and her identity is more than just “someone’s surrogate.”

When she’s ready to get back to her relationship with the intended parents or her next doctor’s appointment, be there to support her. But don’t be afraid to take time for yourself as a couple – without her surrogate pregnancy hanging over your heads.

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Want more advice on supporting your spouse through her gestational pregnancy? You can always connect with other surrogates and even spouses of surrogates online through our Instagram page.

Additionally, her surrogacy specialist will always be here to help. Give our team a call anytime at 1-800-875-BABY(2229) for personal suggestions to get your spouse through the next nine months.

Can You Be a Surrogate if You’ve Smoked Marijuana?

With the recent legalization of marijuana across many states in the U.S., prospective surrogates are increasingly asking: Will a history of marijuana use impact my chances of becoming a surrogate?

It’s certainly a complicated question. Where recreational marijuana is legal, adults over 21 can indulge in this substance in very much the same way they can with alcohol. And women who have drunk alcohol aren’t disqualified from being a surrogate, so is it the same when it comes to using marijuana recreationally?

Not exactly. There is still some unknown when it comes to marijuana’s effect on pregnant women, and many physicians are hesitant to completely clear marijuana use during pregnancy. The previous use of marijuana before surrogacy, however, is a different story.

If you are curious how a history of marijuana use may impact your eligibility to be a surrogate, we encourage you to contact our surrogacy specialists today. We can evaluate your personal situation and help you start your medical screening process — which will be the ultimate decider of whether or not you can continue on your surrogacy journey.

Follow us on Instagram to hear directly from surrogates about their experience with the process.

In the meantime, there are some important things we want all prospective surrogates to know about this topic.

How Intended Parents’ Preferences Play a Role

Even if marijuana is legal in a surrogate’s state, that doesn’t mean that potential intended parents will be okay with a historical or current use of the substance. Ultimately, intended parents will have the right to choose what medical and personal history they are comfortable with in a surrogate candidate.

If you are a surrogate who currently uses marijuana, you will likely be hard-pressed to find intended parents who are comfortable with this — even if you plan to stop using during your pregnancy. If someone in your family uses marijuana, this could also disqualify you from the process. Remember that you will need to provide a safe home environment for the intended parents’ baby; marijuana odor or presence could make intended parents uncomfortable, and they can decline to work with you if this is detected during your home visit.

The time and frequency of your marijuana usage will likely be the deciding factor for intended parents. If you used marijuana once as a teenager, you’ll probably be able to proceed with the surrogacy process, no problem. Intended parents know that was a long time ago; as long as you are not using it at the moment, they should be comfortable with a short, distant history.

However, if you used marijuana frequently in the past, it will be the intended parents’ prerogative to decide their comfort. Some will be okay with moving forward with you; others will request another surrogate candidate.

Talking to your surrogacy specialist honestly about your substance use history will give you a better idea of how likely you will be to match with intended parents.

What About Prior Convictions?

During your application to be a surrogate, our surrogacy specialists will complete criminal background screenings. If you have a prior conviction for possession of marijuana, you may be worried that will prevent you from surrogacy.

However, surrogacy professionals and intended parents are increasingly forgiving of these kinds of convictions. With marijuana being legal in so many states now, previous marijuana convictions don’t hold the weight they used to. Some cities and states are even clearing previous convictions in the best interest of their citizens.

The bottom line? If you have a previous marijuana conviction on file, don’t let it dissuade you from applying to be a gestational carrier. In most situations, American Surrogacy will be able to work around this record and help you reach your surrogacy dreams.

Remember: You Will Be Medically Screened for Eligibility

If there’s one thing we want you to learn from this article, it’s that honesty is important. Marijuana can be a complicated subject, whether or not it’s legal in your state, but it should never be something you hide. Surrogacy is an intimate partnership based on trust. Being honest about your history is the first step.

After you have matched with intended parents, you will undergo medical screening at their fertility clinic. Drug tests will be inevitable, either at this step or before. Surrogates must refrain from substance use during this journey, and drug screenings are just a normal part of this process.

If you want to learn more about the process to become a surrogate, we encourage you to contact our surrogacy specialists anytime. We know determining eligibility can be a complicated conversation, especially when marijuana use is involved. We are happy to answer your questions and set you on the path that is right for you.

Call our specialists at 1-800-875-2229(BABY) to learn more.