American Surrogacy Blog

Intended mothers who pursue surrogacy go through a lot. Often, they have spent months or years undergoing in vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments to no avail, have decided to pursue surrogacy and its additional costs, and are willing to accept the physical and emotional complexities of having another woman carry their child.

For many women, this aspect can be one of the most challenging of their surrogacy. When an intended mother has dreamed of being pregnant and having a baby for years, it can be difficult to watch someone else go through the process she thought she would go through herself.

This experience can often cause confusing emotions. If you are an intended mother considering surrogacy or currently in the surrogacy process, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the pregnancy envy you may feel.

Understand the Positives that Come from this Situation

As much as it may sting to see another woman carry your child, remember the reason you chose surrogacy — to give yourself the genetic child you’ve dreamed of for so long. When pregnancy envy becomes too much, think about all of the positive things this path will give you. You’ll be present for your baby’s birth, raise them from birth, and have a child who shares your genetics. At the end of the process, it will all be worth it.

What should you not do? Focus on the positives of not being pregnant (or let anyone try to convince you of them). If loved ones know you are struggling through pregnancy envy, they may try to make you feel better by mentioning all of the pregnancy experiences you are saved from: morning sickness, bloating, weight gain, etc. However, most intended mothers find that thinking about these things only exacerbate their envy. After all, they would take all of those “negatives” in a heartbeat if it meant they were able to be pregnant with their own child.

As tough as it can be, remember that there are positives that stem from the situation you are in — and the envy will pass when you meet your little bundle of joy.

Don’t Feel Obligated to Attend Baby Showers

This rule is helpful to both intended mothers who are pursuing surrogacy and hopeful mothers who are struggling with infertility. When you are coping with feelings of jealousy and anger about someone else’s pregnancy, you never have to participate in something that exacerbates those feelings (like a baby shower or baby clothes shopping). You must always do what is best for your own mental health.

If you are invited to an event that you know will only cause difficult emotions, don’t feel guilty in sitting it out. Consider sending a nice card or gift instead; your friends will understand.

Keep Conversations About This Topic Short

When you are an intended mother, people will often have questions for you about your surrogacy experience. Some of these questions may revolve around how you feel having a surrogate carry your baby — questions which can be hard to address when they bring up uncomfortable feelings.

You always have the right to answer or not answer whatever questions you receive about your surrogacy process. Sometimes, when people ask you about the aspects you’re struggling with (like missing out on pregnancy), it can be easier to just move past the topic. Dwelling on how you feel may only cause you more pain.

Fortunately, you can always respond to questions by stating you’re uncomfortable talking about it or that your contract prevents you from talking about it. People will usually pick up on this discomfort and drop the subject, allowing you to share these intimate feelings with only those you trust, like your spouse or your surrogacy specialist.

Be as Involved as You Want to Be in Her Pregnancy

How you cope with your pregnancy envy will always be up to you. What works to alleviate some intended mothers’ feelings may not work for you. This is where honest discussions with your surrogacy specialist can be so beneficial.

For some intended mothers, being involved in their surrogates’ pregnancies can help them overcome the feelings of jealousy and disappointment they feel at not carrying their own children. Surrogacy is a close partnership between intended parents and their surrogate; an intended mother can be there for the embryo transfer, important ultrasounds and the birth of her child. If she creates a close relationship with her surrogate, an intended mother can be updated on all the important moments of the pregnancy and feel like she is not missing as much as she thought she would.

However, some intended mothers might find this contact too much — and that’s completely normal. Still, because surrogacy is a partnership, it’s important that both parties are on the same page about contact moving forward. Only then can it be a positive emotional experience for all involved.

When you work with American Surrogacy, your surrogacy specialist will always be there to support you as an intended parent. If you find yourself struggling with pregnancy envy, your specialist can provide the counseling and guidance you may need to move forward in a positive manner.

Mother’s Day, as exciting as it is for many women, can also be emotionally challenging for those who have not yet achieved their motherhood goals. Whether you are still struggling with infertility, are in the middle of the surrogacy process or have had a child through surrogacy, your motherhood experience will be different from that of many other mothers.

This isn’t a bad thing — it’s just something to recognize when this day of the year comes along. Even long after motherhood is realized, the pain of infertility can rear its ugly head. Therefore, Mother’s Day can be a trigger for even the happiest of mothers.

At American Surrogacy and our partner agency American Adoptions, we celebrate mothers in all stages of their parenting journey. Below, you’ll find some advice for women in all parts of the surrogacy journey to make this Mother’s Day as positive as possible.

If You’re Struggling with Infertility

Women who are not yet mothers can have the hardest time on Mother’s Day. After all, it’s a day that celebrates all that you don’t yet have — but desperately want. When struggling with infertility, it can seem like your body has betrayed you, and being hounded with images of happy mothers and children can be emotionally devastating.

Know this: You always have the right to do what makes you happiest on this day. Your emotional well-being is always the most important thing.

Some intended mothers decide to completely sit Mother’s Day out. They know that trying to celebrate this day, even with important maternal figures in their lives, can make things harder — especially if you know you’ll receive endless questions about having children yourself. If this is the case for you, do an activity that is completely unrelated to the holiday and brings you joy. Use your coping mechanisms for your infertility journey to let out your emotions and address how you’re feeling.

On the other hand, you may wish to jump into Mother’s Day and turn your negative feelings into positive energy toward the important maternal figures in your life. Take the attention off of yourself by focusing on your own mother and other family members. Celebrating with your loved ones can sometimes help you forget your sadness and even enjoy yourself on this emotionally complex day.

If You’re in the Surrogacy Process

If you’re in the middle of a surrogacy journey on this Mother’s Day, you are likely feeling some conflicting feelings. You will need to address these emotions in order to have a positive day.

If your surrogate is pregnant, you probably can’t wait until this time next year, when you’ll finally have the little bundle of joy you’ve been waiting for so long. Because of this excitement, Mother’s Day might be easier than you imagine. You may consider including your surrogate in your Mother’s Day mentions; she would certainly appreciate receiving a token of appreciation like flowers or a small gift. After all, she is the reason you will be a mother, and she may be giving up precious time with her own children to help you reach your goals.

At the same time, you shouldn’t shy away from the more negative feelings you may have during this time. Your journey to motherhood is unique; you are missing out on some key experiences like pregnancy and childbirth. It’s important to acknowledge any feelings of jealousy or sadness on this day, or they may come back to haunt you later. Recognize how special your motherhood journey is, and don’t shy away from the realities of your situation.

Remember, if you are struggling with complicated emotions during your surrogacy experience, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy is always available to offer guidance and suggestions.

If You’ve Had a Child Through Surrogacy

Finally, if you’ve successfully had a child through surrogacy, it may seem like your Mother’s Day would be like any other mother’s — full of joy and love. However, there are still some important things to consider after your motherhood goals have come to fruition.

The fact that you have a child now does not erase the months and years you likely spent lamenting your infertility. Don’t be surprised if these latent emotions show up at the most unexpected times, including during Mother’s Day celebrations. Your sadness about not experiencing pregnancy may reappear, especially when your child starts asking questions inspired by traditional Mother’s Day crafts at school.

Along the same line, you might find that your child wants to send a card to his or her surrogate on Mother’s Day. This does not mean that you’re not “mother” enough for him or her; it’s actually a sign of your child’s maturity and understanding of their surrogacy journey. Your surrogate played a large role in bringing your child into the world, and it’s a wonderful gesture to appreciate her on Mother’s Day.

If your child doesn’t suggest it, you may still consider including your child’s surrogate in Mother’s Day to teach your son or daughter gratitude and appreciation from an early age. Your surrogate is an important part of your child’s story, and she should not be forgotten. Mother’s Day is a day that celebrates all people who play a maternal role: whether they are female or male, related to the child or not. There’s never an issue with including more love and appreciation on this day.

Mother’s Day: A day when hardworking moms get breakfast in bed, flowers and gifts, and a day full of what they want to do. But, for thousands of families across the U.S., Mother’s Day is a bit complicated — because there’s no mother to celebrate.

Male fathers who have used surrogacy know that their child having a mother is in no way more important than having two loving, doting parents who happen to be men. But, when schools and society make such a big deal about Mother’s Day, it’s normal to not know how to approach this topic with their kid.

In most cases, children of two gay dads don’t overthink this holiday as much as their parents do. They accept the roles their fathers play in their lives and don’t feel left out on Mother’s Day.

However, if you’re a gay father concerned about how to address this subject with your child, find some guidance below.

Addressing the Role of an Egg Donor in Your Child’s Life

It makes sense for you to consider your child’s egg donor — their biological mother — when the second weekend of May comes around. After all, this woman is your child’s “mother” in a certain sense, even if she is not involved in their life in the way that a live-in mother would be.

If your child approaches you about celebrating his or her biological mom on Mother’s Day, don’t take it as a sign that you and your partner (if applicable) are not enough for him or her. All children are curious about their biological parents, whether they are born through an egg donation or they have a birth mother through adoption. Mother’s Day can be a great opportunity to open up a conversation about your child’s egg donor that may not have been there before.

You’ll want to always have your child’s egg donor be an open topic of conversation but especially on Mother’s Day, when your child may question why they don’t have a mother of their own to celebrate. If your egg donor is known, suggest that your child write her a card on this holiday — not so much a “Mother’s Day” card as an “Egg Donor’s Day” card. That way, your child can feel included in the holiday even if he or she doesn’t have a mother to celebrate.

To Involve or Not to Involve The Surrogate?

Similarly, many gay male couples use Mother’s Day as a way to celebrate their child’s surrogate. Some even decide to make it “Surrogate’s Day” instead.

However, when doing this, you will want to clarify that your child’s surrogate is no way their mother. Explain that, yes, other children may be brought into the world by their mother, but just because a surrogate gave birth to them does not create the same relationship. If you have properly explained your child’s surrogacy story, this will come as no surprise to them — but don’t be surprised if they ask more questions around Mother’s Day, especially if they are younger.

This can also be a great opportunity for your child to develop a relationship with their surrogate, if both parties are comfortable doing so. You might consider visiting your surrogate on Mother’s Day, or help your child create a card or letter for her, expressing their appreciation and how much her decision means to your family.

You also have the right to not involve your surrogate as you feel comfortable. However, even if you don’t make Mother’s Day completely about your surrogate, teaching your child empathy and appreciation by acknowledging her on this day is important.

How to Involve Your Child in Mother’s Day Celebrations

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a big deal in a household with two fathers. The amount to which these kinds of families celebrate this day varies greatly; some deem this day another Father’s Day, while some don’t acknowledge it at all.

However, whatever you choose for your own household, recognize that your child will likely complete Mother’s Day activities at school and at other activities. It can be awkward for them to not be involved in these arts and crafts, so make sure to inform your child’s teachers about their situation prior to these activities and suggest alternatives for your child.

One of the most popular paths gay fathers take? Using Mother’s Day to celebrate the women in their child’s life who play an important maternal role.

Instead of ignoring Mother’s Day, use it as an opportunity to appreciate women like your child’s grandmother, aunts, close family friends and more. Suggest that your child create cards and put together small gifts for these women instead of focusing on the “mother” aspect of the day. Consider taking any childless women who play a role in your child’s life out to a nice meal or spend some quality time with them. They will appreciate it, and your child won’t feel left out of the Mother’s Day activities.

More than anything else, don’t stress about Mother’s Day if you are a gay dad. It can be tempting to overthink a holiday that has such significance in society today, but know that the lack of a mother has not been proven to harm a child. With proper foresight and preparation, you can create a Mother’s Day for your child that is meaningful and that works best for your family.

If you are an intended parent struggling with infertility or in the middle of the surrogacy process, you are well familiar with the difficulties of the path you are on. You know the sacrifices and tough decisions you made to get to where you are. That’s why it can be so frustrating and infuriating when someone else comments upon your personal life: a growing trend called parent shaming.

For some reason, with the power of social media, people feel compelled to hide behind their computer screens and judge other parents for their choices — whether that’s adoption, IVF, surrogacy or simply their parenting styles. When you’re going through the difficult process of assisted reproduction, these comments can be grating, especially when the commenter doesn’t really understand what your personal journey involves.

These are just a few of the comments you may have received or heard:

Why didn’t you just adopt? There are so many waiting kids.

Why did you spend all that money on IVF if you can’t even get pregnant?

Well, maybe if you just relaxed and didn’t stress about having a kid, you’ll actually get pregnant.

We’re sad to see the trend of IVF- and surrogacy-shaming become normalized online. So, what can you do as an intended parent to combat this shaming and judgement?

1. Think before you respond.

When someone comments harshly about your choice to pursue IVF or surrogacy, it can be tempting to quickly respond, fueled by the hurt and anger you’re feeling. However, take a deep breath and think about what you’re saying. Sometimes, to defend themselves, intended parents deflect by shaming the commenter for their parenting decisions. However, responding with judgmental comments will do nothing to solve the online-shaming problem.

2. Respond politely and with kindness.

Instead of lashing out, be considerate. Just because you are not speaking to the person face-to-face does not mean they don’t deserve the same kind of respect you would give in an in-person conversation. Politely thank them for their comment, but respectfully agree to disagree.

3. Educate them about IVF and/or surrogacy.

Often, judgmental comments about assisted reproductive technology come from a place of misunderstanding. For example, some people may believe that surrogates are “giving up” their own baby, which can inspire hateful comments. Take this opportunity to educate the commenter about the realities of the path you’ve chosen. Explain how you came to this decision, and emphasize that it was the right choice for your family.

4. Politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

Unfortunately, many people don’t come to social media to have an open, productive conversation. They don’t wish to have their mind changed but to instead reiterate their own points over and over. Therefore, it can sometimes cause more harm than good to engage them in a lengthy discussion. Instead, remind them that how you build your family is no one’s business but your own. You can also say you aren’t comfortable discussing your intimate family decisions with them. If they continue to engage you, ignore them or take steps to block them.

Remember, your emotional well-being is what really matters — not the opinion of someone on the internet.

Taking Steps to Stop the Cycle in Your Everyday Life

To stop infertility- and parent-shaming, consider your own life. Do you find yourself being critical of other parents, whether you express those opinions or not? Odds are, you have at some point — you’re only human.

But, when those thoughts arise, take a minute to remember that everyone’s situation is different. What you see as a breakdown in parenting may be a parent dealing with an impossible situation, like financial troubles or a death in the family. No parent is perfect all the time, and it’s not productive to criticize things that a parent is likely already self-conscious about.

There is no “right” way to be or become a parent, and it’s not your place to tell someone what they are doing is “wrong.” Instead, show a little kindness and support, especially of people who might share different beliefs than you. We could all use a bit of understanding in this day and age.